


All I Ask

by leia_scott



Category: MGSV - Fandom, Metal Gear, Metal Gear Solid
Genre: AU, Childbirth, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Gun Violence, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Major Original Character(s), Pregnancy, Rhodesian Bush War, Torture, Unplanned Pregnancy, Violence, congrats Kaz you're a dad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-21
Updated: 2016-07-19
Packaged: 2018-06-03 16:46:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 49,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6618433
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leia_scott/pseuds/leia_scott
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rhodesia, 1978. In the thick of the Bush War, Commander Emmaline Ross becomes unexpectedly pregnant with Kazuhira Miller's child. Kaz finds himself caught between his responsibilities to her and his responsibilities to Big Boss as his world begins to crumble. The mysterious Ocelot, claiming to be a friend of Snake's, approaches him with a spot as commander of a new private military force that he has been building up for the past three years, insisting that dropping his failing efforts in Rhodesia is the only way to fulfill Big Boss' plans. Kaz is forced to make some of the most important decisions of his life as he is torn between his duty to Big Boss and the life he has established in Big Boss' absence.</p><p> </p><p>*Please note: This fic is undergoing major rewrites, so most of the chapters are being deleted and rewritten, as well as having new chapters added*</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Emma Ross is my OC, and this AU runs parallel to the events of MGSPW and MGSV. Everything Kaz does in this story (being a part of the SAS and residing in Salisbury, etc.) all came from my imagination and a lot of research (because Konami didn't tell us anything other than that he was most likely in Rhodesia during this time); I've put a lot of hard work into shaping the man he is in Rhodesia and what he has been up to in Big Boss's absence. 
> 
>  
> 
> Check out my blog at kazuhiradarling.tumblr.com for more Emma and Kaz!

 

 

 

 _September 1978. Salisbury, Rhodesia._  

 

 

 

    
   
        Emma stared vacantly down the long hall, the sunlight reflecting almost blindingly off of the polished linoleum, the air conditioning humming steadily as the late summer heat crept into the building. The hall seemed to go on for an eternity, and she would have been fine with it if it did; as long as she didn’t have to reach the end. SAS soldiers bustled about with their stacks of papers and squawking radios. Some of them recognized her and greeted her cheerfully as they passed. She attempted a weak smile and returned their salutations half-heartedly, her mind elsewhere.  
        She couldn’t help but remember the same cold linoleum of the doctor’s office and the tears that had streamed down her cheeks as her heart broke in two… The unfeeling expression on the doctor’s face and the papers that had been thrust into her shaking hands. Ever since that moment all of her thoughts swirled around two choices. The only two choices.  
        Keep it… or get rid of it.  
        Emma sniffed quietly and held her head up higher as she slowly made her way down the hallway, feeling none of the bravery she was trying so hard to show. She would put on the air that she didn’t care if he left her, that she could do it alone. But deep inside she knew that was far from the truth. She needed him now more than ever.  
        She was scared out of her mind.  
        They had never discussed what would happen in this situation. No, they had always spent those hot afternoons and humid evenings when they had the spare time tangled in eachothers arms, without forethought or any concern that perhaps something might come of it. That perhaps while they made love, their hearts fluttering from both the passion and sweet impetuousness of the moment, they were really making something much more… _cataclysmic_. The concern had crossed her mind only once or twice in the past two years, but she had never brought it to his attention; she had relied on him to never let it happen to her, as he had so adamantly promised her it wouldn’t.  
        And suddenly, there it was. The door was slightly ajar, sunlight casting off of the brass plaque upon it. _Maj. Miller, C Squadron_. She could hear the radio quietly playing from inside, the clicking of his typewriter as he tackled the large stack of papers that was inevitably sitting on his desk at the moment. She stood outside the door for a few moments with her eyes closed, listening to his absent-minded humming as he probably thought about such trivial things like what to eat for dinner or what time he would give her a call. She wasn’t even supposed to be in Salisbury for another week; as of late their attention had been claimed by their efforts in their separate outfits, leaving little time to actually see each other. The five-hour drive from Selukwe to Salisbury was always daunting, despite how badly Emma wanted to be with him… Until today, of course, when all she wanted to do was to get as far away from him as possible. She took a deep breath and gently pushed the door open, trying her best to smile.  
        A cigarette dangled from Kaz’s lips, the smoke curling lazily upwards towards the slowly-spinning ceiling fan. His brow was furrowed in intense concentration but it relaxed when he looked up and smiled, taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes tiredly.  
        “Hey, kiddo. Aren't you a sight for sore eyes,” he said, putting the cigarette out in the ashtray. His smile was genuine, his eyes bright. He stood, taking a moment to stretch before moving around the desk, sliding a stack of papers out of his path with his foot and pulling her into a tight embrace. Emma closed her eyes, savoring the feeling of his arms around her and the smell of his aftershave that now enveloped her in its familiar scent. She was already saying goodbye, well aware that with a single word he could discard her, and may as well have already done so as far as she was concerned. He pulled away and gently placed a hand on her cheek.  
        “What are you doing in Salisbury? I thought you weren’t coming up until next weekend… Not that I’m complaining, of course.” He tilted her chin upwards and kissed her sweetly, his thumb tracing circles on her cheek. Emma’s lips trembled against his, but only slightly, and he didn’t seem to take notice. He pulled away and nodded in the direction of the his desk. “I’ll be off in a bit, I just have to finish up these reports. You’re more than welcome to stay until I’m done.” He turned back to the desk and began organizing the papers that were strewn about upon it in a hasty attempt to tidy up.  
        Emma wanted nothing more than to be able to sit around with him, laughing and joking about everything and absolutely nothing at the same time… To be able to tell each other everything that had happened since the last time they had seen each other. She wanted things to be like they were yesterday, and the day before, and the week before. It was already too late for her, but it wasn’t too late for him yet. She could still turn on her heel and leave without a word, letting him believe that she didn’t care about him anymore, that she had moved on to bigger and better things. It would break her heart, and surely it would break his, too… wouldn’t it? If only he could be spared the blow of knowing the truth.  
        “Major…” she began quietly. He didn’t hear her.  
        “Captain Beckett was just asking about you today. He thinks you should come in and meet the recruits one of these days. I think it’s a great idea.” He finished sorting the papers into neater stacks and turned back to her, leaning against the desk and tilting his head to the side. “Whaddya say? Maybe before I clock out for the night.”  
        She looked up at him silently, her mind on anything but the damn SAS. Against her best efforts, her smile began to slip from her face as she realized this was the point of no return.  
        Kaz took notice and his expression fell with hers. “Everything okay?”  
        Emma grit her teeth and felt tears threatening to spring to her eyes seemingly out of nowhere. She was sorry. _So sorry._  
        “Kaz…” Her eyes met his, trying not to let her fear show. “I saw a doctor today.”  
        He frowned, a look of concern crossing his face. “Emma…” he said quietly, his tone solemn. “What’s going on? Is everything alright?”  
        She bit her lip and tried to tear her eyes from his, not wanting to watch as she single-handedly tore down everything he had worked so hard to build. But his eyes pulled her into the depths of his soul, wrenching the words from her mouth before she knew what was happening.  
        “I’m pregnant.”  
        For a moment the only movement in the room was the fan that slowly circled above their heads, stirring the eerie stillness that those words had created. The radio continued to play quietly, filling the room with its uncharacteristically lighthearted music. His eyes searched hers for some sort of punchline to the joke that he was missing, some explanation that she knew she couldn’t provide. His expression changed on a dime when his silent search for answers came up empty-handed.  
        “Emma,” he warned. “For the love of god don’t fuck around with me like this…” He watched her expression carefully, waiting for her laugh and confirmation that it was all just a joke, a cruel joke that they would surely laugh about later when his heart rate had finally returned to normal. She didn’t laugh, however, and she felt her stomach churn as she watched the impact of her words finally hit him full force. “Emma…” His voice grew quiet. “Are you really…”  
        She remained silent, unable to move her head in even the slightest nod. But there was no need; he already knew. He needed no confirmation.  
        Kaz clenched his jaw and turned away, placing both palms sturdily on the desk. His silence wasn’t what she had expected. She reached out to him cautiously, her fingers just barely brushing his shoulder. He tensed under her touch and she instantly drew back, finding herself suddenly afraid that he would lash out. This wasn’t like him.  
        “You’re getting rid of it, right?”  
        She blinked, shocked by the direction in which the exchange had gone. She struggled to find the right words. “Kaz, I know you’re upset-”  
        “Emma, _you’re getting rid of it._ ” This time he said the words with a harsh finality, leaving no room for argument. It was apparent that he wanted to distance himself from this sickening reality, and she couldn’t blame him.  
        “How? Who do I go to? You know as well as I do that they won’t…” She could sense her tone growing more frantic and she willed herself to hold it together just a little longer despite the sheer hopelessness of it all.  
        He shook his head slowly, as if doing so would free him from the situation he had been so inconveniently thrust into. “No, no, _no…_ ” he mumbled under his breath. Suddenly he spun around to face her, his eyes flashing with an anger she had never seen before. His face was a ghostly white, his teeth bared. She shrunk back, terrified of the change in him. _“How did this happen?_ ” he growled.  
        Emma barely felt the tears running down her cheeks as he advanced on her slowly, like a predator waiting for the right opportunity to sink its teeth into the jugular of its prey. She found herself suddenly petrified, her feet firmly rooted below her when she wanted nothing more than to make a break for the door. “I don’t know, Kaz, I swear-” In an attempt to back away she stumbled backwards slightly and in a flash he took hold of the front of her shirt, pushing her against the wall and knocking the breath out of her.  
       “You told me you were on birth control, Emma.  _You lied to me_.” He spoke between his clenched teeth, the brightness now absent from his irises. In those once darling blue eyes was now a look of utter betrayal, and Emma wholeheartedly believed it was her fault. _All of it was her fault._ Her tears flowed freely down her cheeks and dripped onto his hand, the hand that had only ever touched her with delicate reverence, the hand that now so implacably pinned her to the wall, pressing unforgivingly against her windpipe.  
        “I _was_ , Kaz! Please… I don’t know what to do,” she choked, looking up at him helplessly, her voice breaking. “What do I do?”  
        He breathed out sharply through his nose, letting go of her and slowly stepping back, shocked by his own actions but still teetering on the ragged edge. He looked down on her with disdain and her heart ached when she heard the pure disappointment in his voice.  
        “Why would you push this on me, Emma?”  
        “Wh… what? You know I would never-”  
        “You can’t do this to me, Em. I can’t just…” His voice petered out as a look of disgust crossed his face.  
        _“HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?_ I never wanted this-”  
        “It’s me or the baby, Emma.”  
        She gasped slightly, the words like a dagger in her heart. She looked up at him pleadingly, wanting him to take back his words. She could only try to reason with him so much before he turned his back on her completely, and she knew they were already reaching that point.  
        “Kaz, maybe… Maybe in Zambia or Botswana- maybe there’s a doctor who will do it… Please don’t make me do this by myself-”  
        He looked down at her with contempt, yet the pain still shone through his eyes despite how much he tried to hide it. Those eyes told her everything, halting her pleas in their tracks. She could feel her heart breaking, leaving her completely stunned as warm tears slid down her cheeks.  
        _So this was it._  
        Emma bit her lip and tried her best to hold herself together, not wanting him to see even the slightest manifestation of the weakness she so strongly felt. She brushed past him in a daze, heading silently towards the door in defeat.  
        “No,” he said, his abrupt interjection halting her in her tracks. She turned back to face him, hope rising in her chest. He looked away, not allowing her eyes to meet his. “You’re not leaving until we set a few things straight.”  
        Emma felt her knees suddenly give out on her, and she slowly sunk to the floor. “ _Kaz-_ ”  
        “The baby isn't mine.”  
        “Kaz, _please,_ ” she sobbed.  
        “You never knew me.” He crouched down to her level, and she could see in his eyes that he meant every word. “You’ve never seen me before in your life.”  
        Emma buried her face in her hands, sobbing quietly into them. “Why…? I thought you…”  
        Kaz stood and turned away, leaning over the desk once more. His head was hung low, his expression unreadable.  
        “I do,” he said, quietly.  
         A heart-wrenching wail rose from her throat and she cried like she had never cried before, ashamed that he should have to see her like this. She doubled over, resting her forehead against the rough carpet as her tears fell onto it, soaking it and turning the red fibers to an even darker shade of scarlet. Her shoulders shook with her sobs and her hands curled into fists. “ _Kaz,_ ” she whimpered quietly, unable to catch her breath between sobs. “ _Please…_ ”  
        “Leave, Emma.”  
        She looked up at him helplessly, wanting him to turn around one last time, dying to see the light in his eyes just once more before her life plunged into darkness. But he didn't allow her that. Instead he stayed with his back to her, gripping the edge of the desk with white knuckles as he listened to her forlorn cries with the same cold expression. Still struggling to regain her composure, she slowly rose to her feet and reached into her pocket with shaking hands, withdrawing the folded papers the doctor had given her earlier that day.  
         Suddenly anger filled her chest, consuming her as it swirled together with the fear and hurt that had already taken root in her. What he was asking of her… to forget the moments, the memories, the feelings they shared... Perhaps he had never really changed, and for the past two years he had played her for the fool she had always been, continuing an act he had established ever since they met. Perhaps everything was a ruse and he had never felt anything for her other than his lust for a young, innocent cunt to fuck without consequence, playing the part of a lover who cared. She didn’t know what to believe anymore.  
        She held out the papers and let them fall to the floor.  
        _“Bastard,”_ she said quietly, for lack of any more eloquent phrase to part on. It seemed fitting, however, and he flinched as the scathing word met his ears. With one final glance in his direction she opened the door and left, wiping the tears from her cheeks in shame as she brushed past the small gathering of recruits in the hallway who had paused their daily tasks to see what the commotion was about.  
        She wanted to find herself wishing for a demotion or a discharge on his part, perhaps ill health or even a horrible death, bleeding out slowly and fittingly, all alone in the wide expanse of the African bush. But there was still a portion of her heart that ached for him, begging her to turn back and try once more to make amends. It just wasn’t possible, and in those moments as she made her way back towards the lobby she stifled the last bit of hope inside her, mentally cutting ties with the man she had trusted, even _loved_. The man that had backed her into this nightmare with promises of devotion and commitment, failing to make good on those promises now that it mattered.  
        Emma pushed through the front doors and walked back out into the intense heat, which began to unforgivingly suck the last bit of life she had out of her. She had no idea where to go, what to do. A quiet sob escaped her lips as another wave of despair crashed over her, and she brushed the tears away before they had the chance to fall.  
        Rhodesia hadn’t killed her in the way she thought it would. She thought she would go out in an honorable way, fighting for her brothers-in-arms and their right to make their country something better. But now she saw herself inevitably dying in a pool of her own blood, her own bullet embedded in her skull in an attempt to free herself from this hell on earth. She craved that death now, that final act of defiance.  
        Rhodesia _had_ killed her, and what was left of her lay scattered on that worn red carpet, at the feet of the man who had led her astray. 


	2. Tickets

_Easter_ _Sunday_ _1968_. _Soho_ , _New_ _York_ _City_.

 

        “Emma! Emma, come inside. Our company will be here soon!”  
        Emma put down the frog she was holding and stood, turning her face upwards towards the rain that fell from the dull grey clouds. She felt raindrops trickle down her legs and into her rain boots, forming little puddles where her feet were.  
        “EMMA!” She recognized the tone in her mother’s voice, and without further hesitation ran towards the door, splashing through every puddle on the way. Her mother waited by the door, looking disapprovingly out at the rain before looking over her shoulder back into the parlor. “Mark, they’re all going to get wet when they come inside! Where is our canopy?” She turned back to Emma. “Oh, Emma. You’ve gone and ruined your hair. And you’re all wet. Go upstairs and fix your hair, please. Change your stockings, too, while you’re at it.”  
        Emma sighed, shedding her soaking raincoat and boots on the hardwood floor and sprinting up the stairs. As she was pulling on her socks she could hear her relatives arriving. Her father’s booming laugh echoed through the halls and she could hear her mother chatting up a storm. She looked in the mirror and picked up her brush, slowly brushing it through her damp auburn hair.  
        “Emma!”  
        She set the brush down at the sound of her Aunt Barbara’s voice and skipped down the stairs into her open arms. Her fur coat smelled like cigarette smoke and strong perfume, but together those two scents made up the most comforting smell in the world.  
        “Aunt Barbara!”

        “It’s good to see you, Emma. How old are you, eleven already?” She pulled a small pink box from her coat pocket and handed it to Emma. “I’m sorry I missed your birthday. I heard your parents threw you quite the party.”  
        Emma shrugged. “It was alright. I wish you could have come.” She looked at the box. “Can I open it now?”  
        “It’s your present, open it whenever you want, dear.”  
        Emma ran into the living room and plopped down on the couch, undoing the pink ribbon that held the lid on. She took the lid off to reveal a piece of paper resting on a little silk pillow.  
        “What is it?”  
        Aunt Barbara sat down next to her. “Read it.”  
        Emma picked up the strip of paper and turned it over, gasping. “A plane ticket!” She read excitedly. “To Italy!” She threw her arms around Aunt Barbara’s neck. “Oh thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!”  
        Aunt Barbara laughed. “You’re ever so welcome, dear. I feel like it’s time for you to see the world, just like I did when I was your age.”  
        “And you think mother will let me?”  
        “Oh, we’ve already talked it over. She’s fine with it.”  
        Emma could barely believe what she was hearing. She wanted to leave tomorrow. No, right now.  
        “Emma,” her mother called. “Come sit down for supper!”  
        “You’d better go,” Aunt Barbara said.  
        Emma tucked the ticket into the pocket of her jumper and headed to the dining room, a smile plastered across her face. She took a seat at the table, across from her grandmother and grandfather. She figured they would be the least likely to engage in conversation at this end of the table. The old vet could barely hear and her grandmother wasn’t wearing her false teeth. Emma considered her self safe from prying conversation.  
        Her plan was going well until the cook brought out the second course, and the ever-so-chatty Aunt Cathy turned her attention to Emma.  
        “So, Emma,” she said, sipping her wine daintily, as if it wasn’t her third glass. “You’re growing up so fast. What are your plans for the future?”  
        “Well,” Emma began. She could see her mother watching her closely from across the table. “I want to be an explorer.” The table erupted in laughter. Emma’s mother chimed in.  
        “Emma wants to study law.”  
        “No I don’t.” The laughter died down and the table grew silent except for the sound of forks hitting the plates as her relatives nervously poked at their food. She could feel her mother’s glare burning into her skull. “I want to be like Aunt Barbara. She’s always seeing new places. In fact, I’m going to Italy this summer-”  
        “Well, not if you have your summer tutoring,” her mother interrupted. “If I don’t see good marks then you won't go. Yale doesn’t accept poor students.  
        “But mother, you said-”  
        “Get your A’s and you won’t have to worry about a thing.”  
        Emma’s eyes stung. She willed the tears not to fall and waited until the table wouldn’t notice before she slid out of her chair and ran up to her room, jumping on to her bed and crying into her pillow. Summer tutoring. She pushed the pillow into her face and screamed as loud as she could and as long as she could. She wanted to leave this God-awful place. Forever.  
        There was a knock at her door.  
        “Yes?” she said, expecting her mother’s stern voice to answer.  
        “Can I come in?” Aunt Barbara said softly.  
        “I guess.”  
        She heard the door creak open and felt someone sit down on the end of her bed.  
        “I’m sorry, Emma. I had forgotten about your summer tutoring. If you get it done early enough-”  
        “Mother still won’t let me,” Emma said, tears staining her white pillow. “I know it.”  
        Aunt Barbara gently stroked Emma’s hair. “Don’t worry, Emma. Soon enough, you’ll get to see the world. Who knows where you’ll end up? You’re still so young.”  
        “It’s not fair. Why won’t she let me do what I want to do?”  
        “Well,” Aunt Barbara said, sighing. “Some parents are like that. Our mother was very strict with us, too. Your mother was quite the troublemaker when we were growing up.”  
        “Mother? No, not her.”  
        “You would be surprised. A lot of the mischief we got into was her idea. She just took less of the blame when we were caught.” Barbara shook her head, smiling sadly. “And then she got married, and had you. We didn’t have much fun anymore after that. People just… change when they become parents. They have someone else’s interests to look out for. She loves you very much, and just wants the best for you. It’s important to remember that.”  
        Emma thought for a moment. “Well, then I’m never getting married. OR having children. I always want to be fun.”  
        Aunt Barbara laughed. “It’s your life to live, dear.” She looked at her wristwatch. “Well, I bet they’re going to be serving desert soon. I’m sure you wouldn’t like to miss the cake. Whoever gets downstairs first can get the bigger piece.”  
        Emma jumped up and bolted for the door, laughing giddily, her tears already dry. Sure, she could wait just a little longer. Then she would see the world.


	3. Truth or Comfort

_September_ _1978_. _Salisbury_ , _Rhodesia_.

 

        Kaz knew what he did wasn’t right. He could pinpoint the moment her heart broke and he hated himself for being the one to cause that. The baby was his. Nothing could change that. That couldn’t be covered up or forgotten, no matter how hard he tried. He wanted this all to be a bad dream. Next weekend Emma would drive up from Selukwe, just as she always had, and they would spend every minute of the weekend together. Everything would be as it always had been, right?  
        Dammit, he just wanted things to be normal again.  
        He sat on the edge of the bed, his towel wrapped around his waist as the shower ran, warm and inviting. If only the events of the day could be washed away, and he could watch them go swirling down the drain.  
        Was it over? Was this it? Two whole years they had been together. Longer than he had ever been with anyone. He wasn’t ready to let go of her. He wanted to run after her when she left, to take hold of her and tell her everything would be alright. But he couldn’t promise that. So he had dug his fingernails into the hardwood desk as she walked out the door, resisting the urge to call after her, to bring her back.  
        He regretted that.  
        He wondered where she was now. Was she asleep back in her bed in Selukwe, or was she dead on her bathroom floor with a bullet in her head? The thought made him feel sick and he rubbed his eyes and stood, slowly heading towards the bathroom. He let his towel fall to the floor and stopped when he passed the bathroom mirror. He hated himself. He hated the man he had become. Ever since the day Mother Base fell… He shook his head. Snake would be ashamed of him.  
        He pulled the shower curtain back and stepped in, sighing as the warm water ran over his skin, causing the slight sunburn on his shoulders to sting. He tipped his head back and closed his eyes as the water trickled down his neck.  
        How could this have happened? He had always been careful. She had been on birth control the whole time. He thought back to the last time they were together, and the time before that, and the time before that, trying to remember where they might have gone wrong. His mind was drawing a blank. But it wasn't his fault. That, he was sure of. He had to be sure of it.  
        He knew she needed him. Now more than ever. But he couldn’t be there for her the way she wanted. He came to Rhodesia to fight, to do the only thing he was good at. He never asked for this.  
        He began to scrub the soap into his skin, watching as the suds slid down his arms and legs with the sweat and dirt he had accumulated throughout the day. The bar of soap skimmed over his scars, a constant reminder of what he had lost that day three years ago. His friends, his comrades, their home… A constant reminder that he would never let his guard down the same way twice.  
        He finished rinsing off and turned off the water, grabbing a fresh towel from the towel rack and drying himself. He walked back into the bedroom, half expecting to see her sleeping silhouette in his bed, framed by the moonlight that passed through the window and into the dark room. But she wasn’t there.  
        He went to the dresser and pulled on a pair of boxers before collapsing on the bed, the tears that he had been holding back all day threatening to escape. He rolled over and buried his face into the pillow. It still smelled like her, like that lavender shampoo she would use. A single tear made a break for it and he quickly wiped it away before it slid down his cheek. He closed his eyes as he breathed in her scent, wishing she were here to tell him everything would be okay. That’s all he wanted. Everything else was unimportant.  
        As soon as he closed his eyes flashes of her face filled his mind. He could hear her pleading cries and the way her voice broke when she said his name. She saw her, broken, at his feet, begging for him to change his mind.  
        He was a monster.  
        Hours passed like minutes as he struggled to fall asleep, the memories of her cries waking him every time he would slip into a restless slumber. It was only when he had given up on sleep altogether that he finally managed to doze off, his energy completely drained and his mind finally tired of torturing him.


	4. Dear Colonel Miller, My Name is Kazuhira

_March_ _1957_. _Tokyo_ , _Japan_.

        “Hey, boy!”  
        There was a sharp whistle and Kaz turned in the direction from which the sound had come. Three American GI’s leaned against the counter, their guns laid out on it. One of them beckoned him over. Kaz closed the cigarette case he was stocking and stepped down from the stool, making his way over to the soldiers. The GI struck a match and started to light his cigarette.  
        “I’m sorry, sir, you can’t smoke in here.”  
        The GI let the match burn for a bit, looking down at the blond boy with curiosity. Finally he shook the match out and tucked his cigarette back into his breast pocket. “What’s your story, kid?” He looked around at the shop. “You run this place by yourself?”  
        “Yes, sir.”  
        The GI nodded, impressed. “You got a name?”  
        “Kazuhira, sir.”  
        “You were born here?”  
        “Yes, sir.”  
        “Hm.” The GI tossed a few coins on the counter. “I’ll take a Coke. And make sure it’s cold.”  
        “Yes, sir.” Kaz scooped the coins into his hand and deposited them in the register before heading to the cooler.  
        “How old are you, kid?” The GI pulled up a stool and folded his arms on the counter.  
        “Eleven, sir.” Kaz popped the cap off the bottle and pushed it towards the soldier. “But if the police ask, I’m sixteen.”  
        The soldiers laughed, startling the cat that was asleep on top of the shelf. The GI took a swig of his drink and set it back down on the counter, still chuckling. “We’re not going to tell anyone. Where are your parents?”  
        “My mom is at home. My dad…” He reached into his oversized military surplus jacket and pulled out an old photo, showing it to the troops. “This is him, have you seen him before?”  
        The GI leaned closer and the other two soldiers gathered around, squinting at the picture.  
        One of them spoke up. “Hey, is that Colonel Miller?”  
        Kaz’s heart skipped a beat. They recognized him?  
        The GI took the picture and looked at it closely. “Well I’ll be damned,” he said, smiling. “That’s old Miller. Wait. You’re telling me-” He looked from Kaz to the picture and back again. “Son of a gun, I see it now.”  
        “You know him?” Kaz could barely contain his excitement.  
        “I used to, yeah.” He turned to the other to soldiers. “Who would have thought the Colonel had a kid over here?”  
        “Please, sir.” Kaz came out from behind the counter and stood before the GI. “Do you know where he is? How I can find him?”  
         The GI slid down from the stool and placed a hand on Kaz’s shoulder. “Calm down, kid. I’m sure we can figure it out.” He stood and looked at the other two soldiers. “I’m gonna take the kid back to headquarters. They might know about Miller’s whereabouts. I’ve always wondered what he's been up to.” He turned back to Kaz. “Can you close up shop for a bit?”  
        Kaz looked at the clock. It was still a bit early to be closing. They would be losing the after-work business if he closed now. But this was worth it. The chance to find his father…  
        “Sure.” He ran behind the counter and locked the register, then followed the soldiers out of the shop. He locked the doors behind them and turned the sign around so it read “closed”.  
        The GI walked over to the jeep and started it up, motioning for Kaz to get in. Kaz slid into the hard leather seat, unable to believe he was actually sitting in a real army jeep. The GI put the jeep into reverse. “I’ll meet you guys back at HQ,” he called to the others, before putting into gear and lurching forward. Kaz watched as the buildings flew by, unaware that his mouth was hanging open. The GI laughed. “Sit back in your seat, kid. You don’t want to fall out.”  
        Kaz slid back into his seat. “Yes, sir.”  
        “And you can call me George. You remind me of my kid brother. No need to ‘sir’ me. That’s what I call my old man.” He laughed and reached behind the seat, pulling out an army helmet, and set it on Kaz’s head. It was a bit too big, but Kaz was too happy to notice. “You’re gonna need that when we go past the training field. Never know where those stray bullets are gonna hit.”  
        As they drove George told him all about Kaz’s father. George was a student of his back during basic training. He was a stern man but had a heart of gold. And he was “one hell of a soldier”. When they drove past the airfield Kaz watched the B-29’s taking off, each one in succession. They lifted slowly into the sky, the sunset reflecting off of their shiny metal hulls as their engines droned on. He watched their wings dip as they banked gracefully, heading off to their destinations and slowly disappearing from view. He wanted to be in one someday.  
        George pushed him back down in his seat before Kaz had even realized he was standing to get a better look.  
        “We’re pretty close. There it is.” He gestured towards a large concrete building, surrounded by tents, soldiers bustling about. He stopped at the gate and presented his ID to the guard. “Just a civilian. He’s not going to cause any trouble. And if he does, its on me.” The guard nodded and motioned for them to proceed. As they drove towards the building, George turned to him. “Listen, you don’t seem like the type to cause a ruckus, but if you do you’ll be kicked out, and I’ll never hear the end of it. So just be on your best behavior. And don’t touch anything.”  
        Kaz nodded, entranced by the massive tanks they passed, the American flag painted boldly on the sides.  
        They pulled up to the building and parked. “Follow me,” George said, leading Kaz into the building.  
        Soldiers bustled about inside, and Kaz could hear the sound of laughter rising here and there amongst them as some old Glen Miller tunes played through a shining new radio. A group of female secretaries approached, smiling and wiggling their fingers at him in a wave as they passed.  
        George led him up the stairs and down the hall until they reached an office with a frosted glass door. George knocked.  
        “What is it?” A voice spoke up from inside.  
        “It’s Lieutenant Temple, sir. I’ve got someone to show you.”  
        “Come in, then.”  
        George pushed the door open and led Kaz inside. A middle-aged man sat at the desk, a thick mustache gracing his upper lip. He was poring over papers as a woman typed away on a typewriter behind him.  
        “This had better be important, Temple, I’m very busy.”  
        “Sir, does this kid look familiar to you?” George grinned as the man stood and came around the desk to get a better look at Kaz. The man scrunched up his nose.  
        “No, not really. Is he supposed to?”  
        George looked down at Kaz proudly. “He’s Colonel Miller’s son, sir.”  
        The man squinted before a look of realization washed across his face.  
        “My God, he is!” He laughed a deep laugh that bounced off the walls and filled the room. He bent down and tousled Kaz’s hair. “You really are Robert’s son, aren’t you? Look at this hair!” He straightened up. “You found him here in Tokyo?”  
        “Yes, sir. He was working at one of those street shops.”  
        “Do you know where my father is?” Kaz interjected. “Sir?”  
        The man returned to his desk and pulled out a drawer, going through the files inside. “I haven’t seen the old Hellhound in a few years. But I have the address of the training camp he’s an instructor at. He should still be there.” He took out another piece of paper and wrote the address down on it, handing it to Kaz. “I would write him a letter if I were you.”  
        “Thank you, sir,” Kaz said quietly, looking down at the paper. _Colonel_ _Robert_ _M._ _Miller_.  
        The man shook his head, smiling. “He certainly is his father’s son. Make sure he gets home safe, will you, Temple?”  
        “Of course, sir.”  
        The whole ride back Kaz could do nothing but stare at the piece of paper. As soon as he would get home he would write the letter. He had enough saved up for a stamp. He would mail it in the morning.  
        When they pulled up in front of his complex George walked him to the entrance.  
        “It was nice meeting you, Kazuhira. I wish you the best in finding your dad. And listen-” He bent down to Kaz’s level and placed a hand on his shoulder. “You take care of yourself, ok? You’re a bright kid. You don’t belong in the streets your whole life.” He held out his hand. “I hope to see you again someday.”  
Kaz took his hand and shook it. “Thank you, George. I hope so, too.”  
        George smiled. “Now go on. I’m sure your mother’s waiting.” He headed back to the jeep and started it up, giving a wave before driving off. Kaz took the stairs two at a time. He ran to the apartment door and opened it. He couldn’t wait to tell-  
        “Kazuhira-chan.”  
        His mother was standing in the kitchen, the flickering light casting shadows on her gaunt cheeks, making her look even more sickly. Her bony ankles disappeared into her worn slippers. “Where have you been?” The Japanese that rolled off her tongue sounded almost foreign after his time with the Americans.  
        “Mama,” he ran forward, showing her the paper. “Some Americans told me about father today. They gave me this. Mama, that’s his address. I’m going to write him a letter-”  
        “You’ll do no such thing.” She took the paper from him and looked at it before sinking into a chair.  
        “Mama, I want to.”  
        She let the paper fall to the ground as she covered her eyes. “He was never there for you, Kazuhira-chan. He left before you were born. Why would you?”  
        “The Americans told me all about him. They said he was a good man, Mama. Is that not true?”  
        His mother was silent for a moment. “It is true, my darling. But he made the choice to leave. I loved him but he had his life to live. And so he left.” Kaz saw the glint of a tear slide down her cheek and he regretted ever telling her. He hadn’t asked about this father in a long time. He thought she would be happy.  
        “Mama-” he was interrupted by her hoarse coughing. She stood and closed the windows.  
        “Once you’ve had dinner, study your math and go to bed,” she said, shuffling back into her small, dark room. “I don’t want to hear about your father anymore.”  
        He picked the paper up off the floor and tucked it in his pocket before heading into the kitchen to prepare his dinner.  
        In the morning, he would write to his father.


	5. Family

  _September_ _1978_. _Selukwe_ , _Rhodesia_.      

 

        Emma sank lower into the bathtub, the water coming up to her chin. Her eyes stung as she closed them, red and swollen from the hours she spent crying on the drive back to Selukwe. She had prepared herself for his disappointment, his confusion. But his anger… it scared her. She saw a burning in his eyes that she had never seen before. Like an animal backed into a corner. He had made it seem like she had deceived him. Maybe she did. Maybe it was her fault. She knew the risks.  
        No.  
        They _both_ knew the risks.  
        She drained the bath and stood, drying herself off and shrugging on her robe. She walked out of the bathroom and made her way over to the two large duffel bags that sat on top of the dresser, rifling through it briefly before pulling out a clean set of underwear and a shirt. She pulled them on and glanced at the papers she had gotten from the doctor that day. She was due for another appointment at the end of the month, but she wasn’t going to go. She didn’t want to set foot in Salisbury ever again. Kaz wouldn't want her there either.  
        Was he the one who had lied? All those times he had stared with such intensity into her eyes, twirling her hair in his finger, telling her he loved her. The way he would breathlessly embrace her when they hadn’t seen each other for weeks, as if he had been waiting to draw his next breath until she was is his arms. He had told her about the man he was before they met. And he told her he had changed.  
        He was a damn good liar. And she was a fool for believing him.  
        She sat on the foot of the bed and fell back onto the cool covers. What he was asking her to do… to forget him and the time they had spent together… It was too much. Maybe he had already forgotten about her over a bottle of whiskey and a couple of cigarettes. All of her Mary Wells vinyls she had left were probably broken to bits, sitting in the wastebasket, waiting to be thrown away along with the memories they had shared. By morning he would be the same old Kaz, but no strings attached this time. A free man. And she would be well on her way to…. She looked over at her bags, a sudden pang of fear causing her stomach to drop. Where would she go? All she knew was that she was leaving. She would keep up her end of the bargain, and never speak of him again.  
       There was a knock on the door and Emma sat up.  
        “Yes?”  
        “Emma, can I come in?” Mabasashe. _Shit_.  
        “I- um… Sure.” She quickly wiped her eyes.  
        The door cracked open and Mabasashe stuck his head through.  
        “You were gone all day and didn’t say a word when you came back. I just wanted to make sure-” He noticed the bags on the dresser. “Are you going somewhere?”  
        Emma didn’t say anything. She looked down at her feet, afraid that if she spoke her voice would break. She didn’t want to make this worse.  
        “Emma? What happened?” He came over and sat next to her, worry filling his icy grey eyes. She couldn’t keep this from him. He was one of the only friends she had left in this world and she wasn’t about to lose him, too. She took a deep breath.  
        “I’m leaving tomorrow morning. I-”  
        “What? Don’t be ridiculous. This isn’t funny, you know.”  
        “Mabasashe, I…” She looked up at him. “I’m pregnant… And Kaz… he….”  
        He was silent for a moment, his brow furrowed. “You-” His face fell as realization swept across it. “That bastard. He didn’t…”  
        “I can’t stay here. Tell the others what you think is right. Just don’t mention Kaz. Please.” Her eyes burned as tears fell from them once more. Mabasashe pulled her into his arms and she leaned into his embrace. “Just tell me what to do,” she said quietly.  
        “Stay with us, Emma. You have Knights willing to give their lives for you. We're family, remember? Family will never give up on family. And I’ll never give up on my sister. Whatever happens, we will always support you.”  
        She clung tighter to him. “Then you have to let me go.” He went silent. He knew it, too, she could tell by the way his grip on her tightened.  
        “Where will you go?” He said quietly.  
        “I don’t know, Maba. Anywhere. Anywhere but here.”  
        “Emma…”  
        “This something that I have to handle. Something between Kaz and I. Please just understand that.”  
        He sighed and stood, his expression unreadable. “Then I might as well say my goodbyes now.”  
        Emma stood and threw her arms around him, closing her eyes as his arms wrapped around her. She could feel her heart breaking all over again but willed it to hold on just a little longer.  
        “Goodbye, Mabasashe. Please take care of yourself.”  
        “You too, sister.”  
        He pulled away and headed for the door. He started to open it before he froze and turned back to her.  
        “Please reconsider,” he said. She could hear the pain in his voice. The door clicked shut and her tears fell freely now. She had never felt so alone. How many times would she have to start over in the course of her life? Just when she had found a family, a place of her own, where she belonged.  
        Family.  
        She walked slowly over to the phone, hating the idea of what she was about to do. The thought of crawling back to someone who she had tried so hard for so long to escape from… She picked up the phone and slowly dialed the number, her fingers shaking, and waited. After a few rings there was a click, and then a voice she hadn’t heard in over two years.  
        “Hello?”  
        Emma bit her lip, unable to respond. The sound of the voice… it was exactly the same as she remembered. She wanted to cry but her eyes didn’t have any more tears to give.  
        “Hello? Who is this?”  
        Emma cleared her throat. “Mother?”  
        The line was silent for a few moments. “Emma? Emma, oh my God.” She could hear her mother speak to someone in the background. “Mark! Come quickly. It’s Emma.” There was a shuffle as she brought the phone back up to her ear. “Emma, we’ve been worried sick about you. Where are you? Oh, Emma-” She could hear her mother begin to cry, and she felt sick that she had caused her parents such worry. She loved them so much. No amount of hash words would ever change that. She almost regretted leaving them in the first place. “Emma, are you still there? Please talk to me.”  
        “I’m in Rhodesia. Mother-” Emma began to cry as well. “I need help.”  
        “Darling, I- Rhodesia? Mark, where is Rhodesia? … In _AFRICA_?” Her mothers’ sobs grew louder. “Emma, why did you leave? Please come back home.”  
        “Mother, I’m pregnant.”  
        There was a silence, followed by her mother’s gut-wrenching wail. “Emma, my baby… Why…?” There was a shuffle as her father took the phone.  
        “Emma,” he said, his voice as stern as ever, but laced with a worry she had never heard in it before. “Come home, please. Your mother- she’s been torn up ever since you left. Please just come back. And then we can talk about… what happened.”  
        “I can’t…” He father began to interrupt, but she slammed the phone down onto the receiver. Why did she call them? Did she actually think crawling back to them on her hands and knees, just to be shamed, would help her? She had to remember why she had left.  
        Suddenly a thought crossed her mind and she picked up the phone again, dialing another number. This was her only chance. Maybe she _did_ have someone to turn to.


	6. Tying Loose Ends

 

 _January_ _1976_. _Yale_ _University_ , _Connecticut_.

 

        “Emma, come on! Just a few drinks!” Emma looked up from her packing to see Bethany leaning against the doorframe. “Then you can get right back to… What exactly are you doing?”  
        Emma forced a laugh, pushing her bags under her bed with her foot. “Oh, just going to stay with my parents for the weekend.” She tossed another set of socks into the pile of clothes. “Maybe I’ll catch up with you guys in a bit.”  
        Bethany rolled her eyes, and sighed, disappearing from view. “Just hurry up, ok?” She said, her voice echoing down the hallway. Emma could hear the clicking of her heels and the laughter as she met up with their friends at the end of the hall. He heart ached as she heard them head out into the cold night air, the dorm’s heavy wooden door slamming shut behind them. She wanted to be with them right now, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t be here any more. She couldn’t stand it. She eyed the plane ticket on her desk. Almost. Just one more loose end to tie up. And probably the hardest one to tie.  
        She shuffled down the hallway in her wool socks, the cool drafts chilling the parts of her ankles that were uncovered. She hated winter in this damn building. She reached the telephones at the end of the hall, waiting for the girl in front of her to finish her phone call and leave before she slowly approached the old rotary phone and dialed her parents’ number. It rang for a few seconds before her mother picked up.  
        “Hello?”  
        “Hello, mother. It’s Emma.”  
        “Emma! How did your finals go?”  
        Emma leaned against the wall. She was hoping she could wrap up this conversation pretty quickly. It didn’t look like that was going to happen. She prepared herself for her mother’s wrath. “Fine. I got a C on Dr. Ford’s exam. I think that was awfully generous of him, considering-”  
        “Oh, Emma! Please tell me you’re joking. You should know better than to joke about your university career like this.”  
        “Mother,” Emma sighed. “I’m not joking. I tried my best. It was a hard exam and I know only a few people who got higher than a C.”  
        “Then why weren’t you one of them?”  
        Emma clenched her jaw. “Maybe because it was a hard class. And it wasn’t exactly interesting material.”  
        “What are you talking about, Emma? You’ve always taken an interest in your classes.”  
        “Have I?”  
        “ _EMMA_! What would your father say? He’s relying on you to step up to the plate when he retires. It’s an honorable law firm and needs an honorable lawyer to run it.”  
        “Then maybe he should look elsewhere.”  
        “Emma, don’t you _dare_ -” There was a sigh and a rush of static as her mother sighed. “How did your other exams go?”  
        Emma could feel her heart drop. Tomorrow she would be well on her way to another part of the world. She wouldn’t have to worry about this anymore after tonight. But that didn't make this any easier.  
        “I… failed Marlowe’s exam.” She bit her lip, her eyes beginning to water.  
        “Emma…” She could hear the disappointment in her mother’s voice, and it was enough to send the first tear sliding down her cheek. “After all we have done for you.”  
        She could feel her gut wrenching at those words. It was true. They paid every dime of her tuition, they bought the brand new ’76 Chevy Impala that sat out in the parking lot, covered in a dusting of snow. It felt wrong. But she was living their dream, not hers. She would give everything back in an instant if she could. All of the years she had wasted at this damned school…  
        “Mother, I-”  
        “I don’t want to hear it. Your father is going to drive up this weekend and speak to your professors. Maybe, just _maybe_ , he can repair the damage you have done. Do you know what this means, Emmaline? Do you know what this means for our family?” Emma covered her mouth so her mother couldn’t hear her sobbing. “This is an embarrassment, a disgrace.” Her mothers’ words hit her like a freight train and she slid down the wall onto the floor as her cries rang through the hallway, not caring if the whole world heard. Her mother continued. “If you can’t pass the bar exam, what will that say about you? What will that say about your father? If he loses clients I suppose we can thank you for that.”  
        “I’m so sorry, Mother, I didn’t think-”  
        “ _You_ _don’t_ _ever_ _think_ , _do_ _you_? You just do what little Emma wants. You think we don’t know what’s best for you. Well it’s time for you to grow up. You’re nineteen, for God’s sake. When I was nineteen I was at the top of my class. I expect nothing less from you.”  
        “Please-”  
        “That’s enough. You can apologize to your father when he drives up this weekend. You had better pray for his forgiveness.” There was a click as she hung up, and Emma buried her face into her arms, sobs racking her body. She did it. But she didn’t feel any better. She had thought full disclosure would have freed her from this hell. But she had only dug herself deeper.  
        She sat there on the cool tile, crying quietly into her wool sweater.  
        Tomorrow.  
        She just had to wait one more night. And then she would be on her way to a better place. Maybe not better. But a place where she could live her life the way she wanted to live it nonetheless. She could leave all of this behind. Maybe she would go catch up with her friends for a couple of drinks. Maybe she could just get shit-faced one last time before she left. She dried her eyes and stood, making her way back to her room.  
        _Tomorrow_.

 

 


	7. Johannesburg, Here I Come

_September_ _1978_. _Selukwe_ , _Rhodesia_.

 

        Kaz neared the base, his heart racing. It had been a week since she walked out of his office in tears, and it had only been a day since he had made the decision to run after her. He hoped with every fibre in his body that she hadn’t disappeared. If he asked her to jump she would always say how high; when he told her to leave that day he knew she would do as he said. He just hoped he wasn’t too late.  
        He couldn’t quite pinpoint what had caused his change of heart. Well, he still wasn’t thrilled about the situation. But he wasn't going to leave her wandering by herself in the middle of Africa with a baby - _his_ _baby_ \- and ending up getting herself killed. He would never forgive himself. She was the light in his life. And the few days he had spent in darkness were enough to make him resign from his position with the Rhodesian SAS and head out for the Knights of Rhodesia’s headquarters in Selukwe in search of her.  
        He waved to the gate guard and pulled up to the front of the command building. He spotted Mabasashe out front with a few other Knights and got out of the jeep, making his way over to them. Mabasashe frowned when he saw him and handed the reports he was holding to the other men, muttering a few words to them before slowly walking towards Kaz.  
        Kaz smiled. “Maba, have you seen-” Mabasashe’s powerful fist connected with Kaz’s jaw, sending his glasses flying and knocking him to the ground. Kaz wiped his mouth and spat onto the ground, blood speckling the red dirt. “Mabasashe-”  
        Mabasashe took him by the front of his shirt and pulled him to his feet before his fist landed squarely in the middle of Kaz’s face, sending him to the ground once more. Kaz scrambled to his feet, blood gushing from his nose. He raised his fists and backed away as several of the Knights who had been standing around the compound came closer to watch.  
        “Mabasashe, what the _FUCK_ do you think you’re doing?” Kaz yelled. “Where’s Emma?”  
        “I’m going to make you wish you had put a bullet between your eyes before you ever met her!” Mabasashe said, lunging at Kaz. Kaz stepped out of the way and brought Mabasashe’s face to his knee, hearing a crack as his nose broke. Mabasashe fell to the dirt, his eyes squeezed shut as he cupped his nose, blood dripping between his fingers. He sat there for a moment before he cracked his nose back into place with a grunt. He stood and turned to face Kaz, his eyes burning with anger. Kaz squinted against the sun, blinded by the pain of his jaw and nose, as well as the pain that the sunlight inflicted upon his eyes.  
        “Mabasashe, stop, please.”  
        Mabasashe came at him again. By the time Kaz reacted Mabasashe had already pushed him to the ground and pinned him down, his large hands around Kaz’s throat.  
        “Maba-” Kaz choked, struggling against Mabasashe’s grip.  
        “You hurt her! You’re a monster for what you did. Forcing her out like that. I ought to kill you right now.”  
        Kaz freed an arm and mustered all of his strength for an uppercut to Mabasashe’s face, rolling out from under him and pinning him down. It took all of his strength to hold Mabasashe to the ground.  
        “ _MABASASHE_! This has to stop. I know what I did was wrong, but I’m trying to make amends, damnit. Can’t you see-” Mabasashe spat in his face, using the distraction to land another punch, in Kaz’s stomach this time, and push Kaz off of him. He straddled Kaz once more and raised his fist.  
        “Why have you come back, Kazuhira? To finish the job? Maybe you’ll kill her off this time?” he panted, his voice heavy with anger.  
        “I came back for _her_ ,” Kaz said, struggling to regain his breath. “I’m not going to leave her, Maba. I can’t do that.” The sunlight shone directly into his eyes and he closed them, hoping for some relief. “I deserve every punch you throw. But you know you have to let me see her. She told you everything, didn’t she?”  
        Mabasashe slowly lowered his fist and Kaz breathed a sigh of relief. He looked down at Kaz, bloody and bruised by his hand. “She thought you loved her, Kaz. Why would you turn her away like that in the hour she needs you the most?”  
        Kaz’s felt his heart drop into his stomach. She truly believed that he had done what he did because he didn’t love her. It couldn’t have been further from the truth. “I reacted badly, Maba. My whole world had come crashing down around me. I was angry.”  
        “That’s how you feel about this gift of life?” Mabasashe said, standing and glaring down at Kaz.  
        Kaz stumbled to his feet, brushing the dirt from his shirt and pants. “Let’s get one thing straight. It’s not a gift.” He saw the anger return to Mabasashe’s face. “You want me to be honest. I’m laying it all out for you, Maba. I’m laying it all out for the world to see.” He stepped closer to Mabasashe. “I never wanted this. And I _will_ _never_ want it. But you can bet your ass that I’m not going to leave her.”  
        Mabasashe stood silent for a moment before looking down at his feet.  
        “She’s gone.”  
        “What do you mean?”  
        “She left a week ago. Didn’t tell me much, just that she had someone to stay with in Johannesburg.”  
        “South Africa? Who the hell-” realization cut Kaz off in the middle of his sentence. He bent to pick up his glasses and put them on, walking over to Mabasashe and placing a hand on his shoulder.  
        “I need to leave. And… I’m sorry about your nose.”  
        He held out his hand. Mabasashe took it and pulled Kaz into his arms.  
        “Promise me that when you find her, you’ll never let her go again. If you do, you can be sure I’ll hunt you down and kill you like an animal.”  
        “I promise.”  
        Mabasashe pulled away. “Then so long, brother. I wish you the best of luck.” Kaz climbed into the jeep and started it up. “And Kaz-”  
        “What?”  
        “Maybe next time use protection.”  
        Kaz thrust his middle finger into the air as Mabasashe laughed. He put the jeep into gear and pulled away, opening up the map in the passenger seat. At least twelve hours of driving. Maybe a little less if he went over the speed limit. He felt hope rise in his chest. Maybe he wasn’t too late.  
        “I’m coming, Emma.”

 

 


	8. Deal

_August_ _1978_. _Salisbury_ , _Rhodesia_.

  
_“I’m_ _coming_ , _Kaz!”_ Emma squirmed under his grip, her head thrown back as her hands gripped the headboard with white knuckles. “Oh God, don’t stop!”  
        Kaz threw her leg over his shoulder and lifted her hips off the bed to meet his, thrusting into her even harder, throwing his own head back as a breathless _“Fuck!”_ escaped his lips. He felt her tense up as the climax rocked her body. The feel of her muscles tightening and the sound of her moan was enough to send him over the edge as well, pushing deeper as he filled her, a long groan rising from his throat.  
        He pulled out and collapsed next to her, and they sat there panting in silence for a few moments while they struggled to catch their breath. He reached for the cigarettes on the bedside table and lit one up, closing his eyes as he took a long draw on it, blowing the smoke out with his sigh and passing the cigarette to Emma. She took an equally long pull and choked on the smoke. Kaz laughed as she handed the cigarette back, coughing.  
        “Take it easy, there, kiddo.” He put the cigarette between his lips and turned to her. “Next time I want you to try to hold out as long as you can, ok?”  
        She laughed. “Isn’t that what I always do? Besides, I could say the same to you. I hadn’t even been in the room for five minutes before you had your cock in me.”  
        He laughed. It was true. Not being able to see each other as often was getting to be a pain. “Why don’t you just join the SAS? I could put in a good word for you and then we could fuck in my office every day.”  
        “I’m not going to leave my friends. If you’re so adamant about being together all the time then you should just come back to the Knights. You were a good addition to the team.”  
        “So we could fuck in the middle of the desert every day? Yeah, that definitely sounds preferable.”  
        “ _Kaz_!” She hit him playfully and snatched the cigarette from his lips, taking another drag from it. “I just hate this, being apart from each other all the time. I only get to see you two or three times a month. Four, if I’m lucky and the communists decide to let up their offensive for the day to give me a break.” She curled up next to him and buried her face into his neck, passing back the cigarette. Kaz took one last pull before putting it out in the ashtray.  
        “What if I asked you to marry me? Would you change your mind?”  
        “Are you asking?”  
        “I don’t know.”  
        “Well, then, I don’t have an exact answer for you.”  
        Kaz laughed, tracing his finger lightly up and down her spine. “I love you.”  
        “I love you too. Even though you smell like sweat and I can tell you didn’t take a shower yet today.”  
        “It’s hot outside. And I smell great, thank you.”  
        Emma kissed him and rose, heading towards the bathroom. “Well _I_ need a shower. It would be a waste of water if you didn’t take yours now, too.”  
        Kaz watched her disappear into the bathroom and in a moment he heard the sound of the shower starting up.  
        He closed his eyes, his heartbeat still trying to return to normal. Maybe one of these days he would ask her. He’d have to find a special way to do it, or course, and he wouldn’t be very good at that.  
        He sighed.  
        But then there was the issue of work. The whole reason he had left the Knights was because he felt like their relationship was beginning to slowly creep into his work life. He had come to Rhodesia for one reason, and one reason alone. Emma was unexpected. Oh, was she ever. She threw him for a loop and managed to get him sidetracked for a while. But eventually he had to get his head out of the clouds and get back to work. She seemed to understand, though, and despite her complaints here and there about the distance, their relationship remained as strong as it was before. Maybe she was really the one. Maybe that was why it worked so well.  
        “ _Nothing_ _you_ _could_ _do_ _could_ _make_ _me_ _untrue_ _to_ _my_ _guy_ …”  
        He smiled as she began to sing. She had a great voice, although he would never tell her that. He had to uphold his title as the best singer in their relationship. He sat up and slid off the bed, making his way to the bathroom.  
        “ _Nothing_ _you_ _could_ _buy_ _could_ _make_ _me_ _tell_ _a_ _lie_ _to_ _my_ _guy_ … _I_ _gave_ _my_ _guy_ _my_ _word_ _of_ _honor_ , _to_ _be_ _faithful_ -”  
        “- _and_ _I’m_ _gonna_ ,” he finished. She opened the shower curtain and smiled.  
        “Ah, Casanova the crooner has finally given in to the sweet song of the siren.”  
        “Shut up,” he said, stepping into the warm water. He closed his eyes as it washed over him. Emma began to work the soap into his skin, humming as she went. She stopped when she got to his back.  
        “What’s this?”  
        He looked over his shoulder to where she was pointing. The scar was about an inch long, on his right shoulder blade. “What’s it look like? It’s a scar.”  
        “I know that. Why have I never seen it before?”  
        “Because you’re blind as a bat.”  
        She began scrubbing the soap again. “My eyesight is just fine. I can’t say the same for you. How did you get it?”

        He got it the last time he was jacking off in the shower. He had slipped and cut his shoulder on a razor that was lying next to the soap dish. “Hand-to-hand combat training a few weeks ago. One of the new recruits.”

        “Ouch. Well, I guess whoever was responsible learned his lesson.” _Yes_ , _he_ _did_. She passed the soap to him. “Here, finish up. I need to wash my hair.” He heard the sound of the shampoo bottle opening and the scent of lavender filled the shower as she began to lather her hair. “Kaz, I’ve been thinking about this for a while…”  
        He turned around. She stopped lathering her hair and looked up at him. The suds ran down her shoulders and past her breasts, her skin glowing. He traced his fingers down the lines the suds had made.  
        “ _Kaz_ …”  
        “I’m listening.”  
        “Let’s say, hypothetically, that you _did_ ask, and I _did_ say yes… What would happen next?”  
        “Well, I’d assume we’d get married.”  
        “And then what? Where would we go?”  
        Kaz sighed, soaping up his arms. What did she want him to say? “Things would probably… stay the same…?” he said, cautiously.  
        “Oh.”  
        “Well, it would be up to you,” he said quickly. “I mean, I’m going to stay with the SAS for as long as they need me. Or as soon as Snake kicks that coma. Whichever comes first. Where you would “hypothetically” fit in to all that is up to you. Is that… ok?”  
        “Yeah.”  
        He tilted her chin up and looked into her eyes. “Are you sure?”  
        “Yeah, I’m sure.”  
        He raised an eyebrow. “But I still haven’t asked yet, so “hypothetically” we never had this conversation.”  
        She laughed “I know. Finish up. You’re wasting water.” He smiled and finished soaping up as she rinsed her hair and stepped out of the shower.  
        God, he didn’t know what to say when she asked him things like that. She meant the world to him but his work was still important. He wasn’t about to drop everything to go and live in suburbia with a pretty young wife. He had never been that kind of man, nor would he ever be. Not even for Emma. His lifestyle was too ingrained into him. Still, he couldn’t ever see himself leaving her in the near future and hoped that she would stick with him no matter what path he chose. It would be asking a lot from her but she was a tough girl. And very obviously enamored. He didn't know what she saw in him.  
        He rinsed off and turned off the water, drying his hair and wrapping the towel around his waist. He headed into the bedroom to see Emma already dressed, looking for something under the bed.  
        “Looking for something?”  
        “Yeah, my ID. I can’t drive home without it. Will you check my bag?”  
        Kaz went over to the bag sitting on the dresser and unzipped the front pocket. Inside was her wallet, which he quickly skimmed through. No ID. A slip of paper caught his eye, however, and he pulled it out of the wallet.  
        “What’s this?”  
        “What’s what?”  
        He looked closer. “A plane ticket? It’s an ancient artifact. From 1968. Wait… _Emmaline_?”  
        Emma stood and smiled, her cheeks red. “Oh, that. I was supposed to go to Italy that year. It was a gift from my Aunt Barbara.”  
        “Aunt Barbara?”  
        “Yeah. She actually helped me get out here in the first place. She lives in Johannesburg these days. I kind of just carry that around as a good luck charm.”  
        “How old were you?”  
        “In ’68? Eleven.”  
        Kaz laughed. “I’m old.”  
        Emma took the ticket from him and looked at it, smiling. “If it weren’t for my Aunt Barbara, I wouldn’t be out here. We never would have met, Kaz.”  
        “Thank you, Aunt Barbara,” Kaz said, kissing Emma’s head. “When are you leaving?”  
        “I could probably stay an extra day. If you behave yourself.”  
        “No promises.” He made his way over to the closet where his uniform hung. “You want to come to work with me? I could use the extra help with the paperwork today.”  
       “Sure.” She wrapped her arms around him from behind and rested her head against his back. “I won’t leave your side the whole time I’m here. Just be there for me when I need it and I’ll always be there for you when you need it.”  
        Kaz laughed. “Deal.”

 


	9. A Second Chance

_October_ _1978_. _Johannesburg_ , _South_ _Africa_.

 

         Emma woke to the sound of the radio that had drifted upstairs from the kitchen. Harry Belafonte’s _Angelina_ , from what she could tell. She could hear the muffled clanging of pots and pans as her aunt prepared breakfast. The bedroom window was open, a cool breeze gently playing about the curtains. She heard a purring and a moment later Tybalt jumped onto the bed, his tiny paws moving up the mattress and stopping behind Emma’s head, beginning to paw at her hair. She smiled and sat up, giving his head a kiss before sliding out of bed, stretching her aching back.  
         She slowly made her way down the stairs and into the kitchen, taking a seat at the kitchen table and picking up the book she had left there yesterday. She couldn’t begin to count all the books she had read the past few weeks. There was nothing else to do. It was nice to have a break, but… She longed to be doing something else.  
         “Sleep well, Emma?” Aunt Barbara set a cup of orange juice down in front of Emma.  
         Emma thought back to her night of restless tossing and turning. “I guess I did. How about you? Didn’t stay up too late watching that ridiculous television show of yours, I hope.” She took a sip of her orange juice and smiled.  
         Aunt Barbara laughed. “No, I was too tired. Working in the garden all day will do that to you.” She brought over a stack of pancakes and set them down in the middle of the table. “Help yourself.”  
         “No thanks, not right now anyways.”  
         “How are you feeling?”  
         Emma closed her book and sighed. “Not too bad.”  
         Aunt Barbara brought over a plate and put a pancake on it before sitting down across from Emma. “If you’re feeling up to it, maybe we could walk down to the park later. I’m sure the dogs would love to get out and stretch their legs.  
         Emma smiled slyly. “Didn’t you say this mysterious Weston of yours was going to be in town this weekend? He won’t just happen to be at the park today, too, will he?”  
         Aunt Barbara smiled, her face red. “He may or may not be there. I’ve been waiting to hear how his trip to Japan went. And I’m sure he’d love to meet you, too.”  
         Emma smiled, leaning back in her chair. “Well, in that case, I would love to accompany you on your date- er, walk.”  
         Aunt Barbara laughed and shook her head. Emma was glad to hear that her aunt had found someone. Aunt Barbara had spent so many years galavanting around the world that she never really had a chance to make any lasting connections. She lived alone in her large Victorian-style house, with just her dogs and cat to keep her company. Well, now she had a niece with her, too, but that was beside the point. Both Aunt Barbara and Weston seemed to care for each other very much and their travels never hindered their relationship. Emma’s aunt had always been a happy person but she seemed even brighter now that she had someone in her life.  
         The dogs began to bark and Aunt Barbara stood, turning to look out the window.  
         “Probably the damn postman. I wish he would just leave the mail at the post office for me to pick up. I’ve been telling him for the longest time…” she trailed off, walking over to the front door and stepping out, quickly closing the door behind her so the dogs wouldn’t get out.  
         Emma looked down at her stomach, resting her hand on it. It didn’t really look any different. Or maybe it did, and she was just too accustomed to it. The past several weeks had been hard, but her aunt had shown her all of the kindness in the world, and then some. Emma didn’t plan on staying around until the baby was born. She just needed a place to stay until she sorted some things out. Which, of course, she still had yet to do. Her mind was still reeling from what had happened, but it wasn’t as bad as it was before. As long as she put the thought of him out of her mind…  
         Suddenly she heard Aunt Barbara yell and she jumped up, running towards the door and throwing it open. Her heart skipped a beat and she froze.  
         There, at the bottom of the steps, stood Kaz. His scarlet beret was slightly askew and his expression was unreadable behind his glasses. This had to be a dream. She had already accepted that she would never see him again.  
         Aunt Barbara turned to her, reaching out to stop her. “Go back inside, Emma. I’ll handle-”  
         Time seemed to slow down and before Emma knew what was going on, her feet began to move almost on their own accord, carrying her past Aunt Barbara’s outstretched arm and down the steps. She could see the corner of his mouth curl into a slight smile and she ran into his arms, burying her face into the soft cotton of his shirt, savoring the familiar smell of his aftershave. She held him tighter than she had ever held him before, afraid to let go of him again. His arms closed around her and suddenly tears were falling from her eyes, soaking his shirt. She wanted to be angry with him. Every day since she had left she could barely contain the burning anger she felt when thinking of him and what he did, but now those feelings abandoned her completely as he held her in his arms.  
         “I’m so sorry,” he said quietly, resting his cheek against her hair. “I love you so much and I’m _so_ _sorry_.” Emma didn’t understand what was going on. Nor did she want to. She would have been perfectly fine standing with him here for an eternity, the warm midday sun shining down upon them. “Emma, come with me, please. I swear to God I’ll never push you away again.”  
         “ _Emma_.” Aunt Barbara’s voice was stern.  
         Emma ignored her and looked up at Kaz. “Go with you where? Kaz-”  
         “Listen,” he said, brushing the hair out of her eyes and tucking it behind her ear. “I spent the last few weeks setting up a place for you in Cape Town. It’s a nice place, and it’s safe. I want you to-”  
         “ _EMMA_!”  
         Emma turned to her aunt. “Please, Aunt Barbara, just let him speak-” Aunt Barbara turned on her heel and stormed back inside, slamming the door behind her. Emma would talk to her later. Right now there were more important things on her mind. She turned back to Kaz. “Kaz, I can’t just-”  
         “Please, Emma. I know what I did was wrong. But I’m not going to let you out of my sight again. I’m in no position to demand anything from you, but if you could just do this one thing for me…” He looked at her expectantly. She was falling in love with him all over again. All of the pain and misery she had wished upon him was lost as she wrapped her arms around him once more.  
         “Yes, Kaz. I’ll go anywhere as long as I’m with you.” She felt him relax as she said the words he had been waiting so long to hear, and he pulled her tighter against him.  
         “Emma, give me a chance to make things right. I promise I’ll never leave you. I swear on my life and everything I love.”  
         He didn’t need to promise. Emma had already given him her heart three minutes ago when he had pulled her into his arms. She needed no convincing.


	10. Home

_October_ _1978_. _Cape_ _Town_ , _South_ _Africa_.

 

        The past few hours of the long drive had been silent, with Emma fast asleep in the passenger seat and Kaz deep in thought. The road seemed to stretch on forever, but he knew they were getting close. He just wanted to get out of this damn car. With every mile they traveled he got further and further away from where he was supposed to be, where he felt he belonged. And they kept getting closer and closer to the life he never wanted to live. He knew this was hard for her. This wasn’t the life she wanted for herself, either. She was just as trapped, and he understood that. But he would have already left her for good if he didn’t care for her as much as he did. He hated to admit that, but it was true. And he couldn’t help but feel an insurmountable guilt, like it was his responsibility to do all of this for her. Hell, she was still just a kid. But he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was backed into a corner… No. He had backed himself into a corner. He itched to be back out in the field, doing what he did best. He had been prepared to abandon everything the moment Snake woke up, ready to leave at a moment’s notice. He never planned on making any long-term connections in Africa. But then she came along.  
        She was a mistake.  
        He would tell her that he loved her, as many times as it took for her to believe him. Whatever she wanted to hear. And he really did love her, at least to the extent that he could really truly “love” someone. But he couldn’t help but feel like he was digging himself a deeper hole every time those words came out of his mouth. And if he kept at it, he would never be able to climb out. And what would he do when Snake came to? He had been waiting three years. It could happen any day. Would he be ready to drop everything?  
        The sign for Cape Town flashed past. Eight kilometers. They had already entered the outskirts, and he could just see the buildings emerging from the early morning fog. He rubbed his eyes tiredly. They had been driving all night, taking turns at the wheel, driving in shifts. Emma had bid farewell to her aunt, who had remained deathly silent as she watched Emma gather her bags and throw them in the back of the car. Aunt Barbara saw straight through him, he could tell right away. She saw the guilt and fear in his eyes. She was right to be overly protective of her niece. But at the same time she knew Emma had to make her own decisions. So she watched with a certain sadness as Emma climbed into the car with the man who had turned her away, the man who had caused her to go running to her aunt in the first place. Kaz hated himself even more for the way he appeared to the only other person Emma had in her life.  
        Kaz reached over and gently shook Emma’s shoulder. She stirred, stretching her arms out and opening her eyes.  
        “Are we there?”  
        “Not yet, but we’re close. Are you hungry?”  
        “Not really.” She was silent for a few minutes as she looked out the window at the city. The sun was just beginning to rise over the mountains, its light reflecting off of the glass windows of the buildings. “This is Cape Town?”  
        “Mhm. The house is on the coast. It’s a nice spot, trust me. And if you don’t like it-”  
        Emma reached out and placed her hand on his. “I’m sure it’s beautiful.”  
        “I was going to say that you should just deal with it.” He laughed as she playfully punched his arm, shaking her head and laughing. The same spot every time. He was going to have a permanent bruise there. “It is nice, though, if I do say so myself. And if you don’t like the colors I can repaint them for you.”  
        “You painted the rooms, too? Kaz…” She trailed off. She sighed and looked out the window once more. “You didn’t need to do any of this. Honestly, I would have been fine-”  
        “Let’s not talk about it anymore, ok? You’re _going_ to do this. Just give me some peace of mind, Em. That’s all I want.”  
        She sat back and watched the city pass. He was dying to know what she was thinking. He often found it hard to distinguish between what she wanted and what he wanted _for_ _her_. But in this case, he knew what was best. That, he was sure of.  
        He turned onto the private road, the tall palm trees leaning over them as they passed. His heart was about to beat out of his chest. He wanted her to like it. If he could repair just a little bit of the damage he had done to her, he would consider it a small victory.  
        He held his breath as the house came into view. Emma leaned forward in her seat, squinting through the windshield silently as they drew closer. It was a large house, relatively modern, completely white except for the floor-to-ceiling windows that offered a spectacular view of the ocean. It certainly wasn’t cheap to buy, or to furnish. But he had more than enough funds from his days with the MSF to cover everything with plenty to spare. He would never have been able to use it all. What else was he going to do with it? He had never sought a lavish lifestyle, but he just wanted her to feel at home.  
        Her silence was becoming unnerving.  
        “God, Emma, please say something.”  
        “Where did you… How…?”  
        “Do you like it? Yes or no?” The car pulled up in front and Emma slowly got out, slack-jawed as she took it all in.  
        “Kaz… I love it. But how…?”  
        “Don’t fret over it.” Kaz got out and moved around to the back of the car, opening up the trunk and throwing her bags over his shoulders. “Come on, I’ll show you inside.” She followed him inside, her hand over her mouth in shock. He gestured to the spacious living room. “Does everything look okay?” He wasn’t about to mention the grueling labor that went into dragging all of the furniture pieces in. He had always had somewhat of an eye for interior design, though, so he actually had quite a bit of fun picking out the colors and arranging everything. “Emma?” He could see the tears springing to her eyes. He dropped the bags and took her by the shoulders. “Em, are you okay?” She bit her lip, several tears slipping down her cheeks as she looked down at her feet. Fuck. Why was she crying? His heart sank. “What’s the matter, did I do something wrong? Look at me, Emma. Please.” She looked up at him, and he saw that familiar sadness in her eyes. What had he done?  
        “Are you doing this for me because you think this is what I wanted all along?”  
        “Wha- Emma, why would you say that?” He knew exactly why she would say that.  
        She buried her face into her hands. This was tearing her apart. He could see it, and he felt terrible for being the one to cause it. “You think I’m just trying to tie you down, don’t you? Kaz, you have to believe me, I _never_ _wanted_ -”  
        He wrapped his arms around her. “No! Oh God, please don’t cry, Em. No. I just wanted a place where you could feel comfortable and safe. You know, a place that we could call ‘ours’ for once. I would never for a second believe you were trying to ‘tie me down’. What do you even mean by that? Listen.” He pulled away and held her at arms’ length. “If you want to call this place ‘home’, then I’ll be happy to call it that too. That’s all I’m trying to say. I want you to be happy.” He wiped away a tear with his thumb. “Let’s put everything behind us. Would you be willing to do that?”  
        She nodded, a sad smile gracing her lips. His conscience was berating him, telling him that he was toying with this poor girl’s heart. But he wouldn’t have any of it. He was just trying to make things right. He would say anything just to see that smile, to know she was happy.  
        He embraced her again, and he felt his soul crumble as he realized that he was living a double life. He pledged his life to one thing, but still dedicated it to another. He could never find it in his heart to leave Emma. But no matter what he told her, he would never be able to give up his work, either. The only thing standing in the way of him having both was this damned baby. He already hated it for its mere existence, for putting him in this position, and he found himself hoping he would never have to see its face. Something could happen, Emma could lose the baby before it even had the chance to come into the world… He couldn’t believe he was even entertaining these thoughts.  
        He hoped that Snake could stay asleep just a little while longer. He needed time to sort things out.


	11. Give and Take

_April_ _1978_. _Selukwe_ , _Rhodesia_.

 

        A small metal fan spun lazily in the corner of the room, not doing much to help with the dry heat that snuck its way in through the open windows, just circulating the warm air throughout the small room. A bolt of thin scarlet fabric covered the window that the sun shone through, casting a red glow on the rest of the room and its occupants. Apart from the steady clicking of the fan as it spun and the sound of the insects droning on outside the window, there was peaceful silence. A rarity these days.  
        Emma pressed closer to Kaz, his body heat only worsening her discomfort with the temperature. She hadn’t even bothered to shed any of her many layers of clothing before lying down for what was supposed to be ten minutes of good shut-eye. They had decided to take advantage of the lack of bullets flying overhead to relax for a while before Kaz had to head back to Salisbury. He had been sleeping for at least two hours now, but he looked like he needed it, so she had decided to lay with him quietly while he slept.  
        Emma rested her head on his chest, tracing her finger along the folds in his shirt. He had told her to wake him up by one o’ clock so he could begin the long drive back to Salisbury while the sun was still up. It was already a quarter to two. She knew he had to leave, but at the same time she wanted him to stay. It had been two weeks since they had last seen each other and he had only been here for a day and a half.  
        She hated it.  
        She knew his work was important to him though, so she tried not to complain. He would call her on the phone almost every other night just to check up on her. That is, when the landline was actually working. It was a nice gesture, sure. She knew he was trying his best to be as present as possible. But it just wasn’t the same.  
        Emma thought back to the days when he was with the Knights. He was always with her. Those days seemed less like a memory and more like some sort of fantasy. Too good to be true. Maybe they had been living in a dream. Eventually he had to wake up and go back to reality, to his job with the SAS. Somehow their relationship… or whatever it was… had remained intact.  
        That was another thing… his wishy-washiness. She wasn’t quite sure what they had, and he was very obviously hesitant to put labels on anything. He didn’t talk about his past very much, but she got the idea that he was no stranger to sleeping around. She hoped to God that what they had together was more than that. But with him… it was just so hard to tell.  
        Two beeps from Emma’s radio cut through the air, signifying one patrol ending and other beginning. Kaz stirred, breathing in deeply through his nose before letting the breath out in a long sigh. His eyes fluttered open, squinting as they adjusted to the light. He looked down at Emma and smiled.  
        “Hey.”  
        “Hey.”  
        He rubbed his eyes. “What time is it?”  
        “I don’t know…”  
        Kaz looked at his watch and groaned. “Fuck, Emma. I told you-”  
        “I know. But you were tired. And you’ll have plenty of time to get back to Salisbury.”  
        He ran his hand through her hair silently, looking down at her with curiosity. “Hm.”  
        “What?”  
        “Nothing.” He swung his legs around the side of the bed and stretched. “I need to go, Em.”  
        “C’mon, Kaz,” she complained, falling back onto the bed and pouting. “Ten more minutes, at least. There’s a lot you can do in ten minutes.”  
        Kaz chuckled as he gathered his gear. “You know me so well.” He picked up his gun from where it rested against the wall next to hers. “But I really do have to get back.” He leaned down and kissed her, his hand snaking up her thigh and giving her ass a squeeze. She drew him in with her kiss, grasping the hair at the base of his neck and bringing him closer. He breathed out sharply through his nose but eventually complied, dropping down to her level, peppering her neck with kisses. She started to slide a hand into his trousers but he caught it. “I have to get back,” he repeated, trying to bury the lasciviousness in his voice. He stood and headed towards the door. “I’ll call you when I get back tonight.”  
        Emma remained silent, pretending to be fixated on the slow spinning of the fan at the opposite end of the room. She heard him sigh and out of her peripherals she watched him leave, listening to the little metallic pings as he made his way down the wrought iron stairs. He matched her in stubbornness. She had always found it easy to manipulate people, but he was a different story. He could be playing _her_ right now, for all she knew. He was good.  
        She heard him throw his gear into the back of his jeep. Overcome with guilt, she jumped out of the bed, pulling on her boots. She heard the jeep start up and she ran outside to the railing.  
        “Kaz, wait!” she called. He looked up, his sunglasses flashing. She raced down the stairs, almost tripping on the bottom step. He stepped out of the jeep just in time for her to run into his arms, almost knocking him backwards.  
        “Woah, there-”  
        She silenced him with a kiss, throwing her arms over his shoulders as his arms tightened around her. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.  
        “It’s ok, Em. Honestly. I should be the one apologizing… Listen,” he said, tousling her hair a bit before climbing back into the jeep, “when you come up to Salisbury next I’ll see if I can take a few more days off.”  
        “Alright. Make sure my Major Miller doesn’t take any guff from those recruits.”  
        “I will.” He smiled and shifted the jeep into gear, giving a wave as he drove off.  
        She watched him go, his jeep kicking up the red earth behind it. There were dark clouds in the distance, finally bringing some much-needed rain to the savanna. He _was_ good. He had her wrapped around his finger and she didn’t even care. She would do anything for him.  
        “That man is going to be the death of you.”  
        Emma spun to see Akashinga sitting quietly in the shade of the building, slowly and methodically cleaning his rifle.  
        “Akashinga, don’t say that.”  
        His brow was furrowed as his nimble fingers worked the cleaning cloth around the barrel of his gun. “He’s going to break your heart, Emma.” Emma was silent. She couldn’t argue. She bit her lip. “But you already know that, don’t you?”  
        “Akashinga-”  
        “A man like that…” He set the rifle down and looked out at the cloud of red dust that billowed out behind the disappearing jeep. “A man like that is always running from something. Don’t let it be you, Emma.”  
        Emma watched as the jeep disappeared. It was true. It was only a matter of time. She wanted to hold on to him forever, but he would never settle for that. He was a wanderer. He had made that obvious, and she had decided to latch on to him despite that. If she ended up hurt, it would be her own damn fault.  
        But she would never be ready to let go of him.

 


	12. Slipping Away

        The warm sunlight was filtered through the thick green canopy of leaves, and there was a cool breeze to break up the humidity. Kaz couldn’t remember the last time he had felt this kind of damp heat. It was pleasant, though, so he closed his eyes and leaned back in the hammock. He had forgotten how he had gotten here but at the same time he didn’t really care. Where was “here”, exactly? There was a tugging feeling telling him he had somewhere else to be, but he ignored it as he soaked up the sun’s warm rays.  
        The sound of laughter caused him to open his eyes again, sitting still as he tried to determine the direction it had come from. The strange pulling feeling began to increase its strength and he rose in accordance with it. Laughter again. Mens’ voices. He spun in the direction it had come from. Nothing but the thick jungle. Then how…?  
        He carefully began to pick his way through the vines and leaves, taking care not to stumble over the protruding roots. The laughter got louder and he picked up his pace. His heart threatened to beat out of his chest. Ahead the leaves became so dense he couldn’t see through it. The voices were coming from the other side, just out of reach. He took the machete from his belt and began to hack away at the wall of leaves and vines, dying to know what was on the other side. Finally the leaves gave way to reveal a white sandy beach. A group of figures stood close to the water’s edge, and Kaz could just barely hear their words over the sound of the waves. He slowly made his way over to them. One of them turned and Kaz’s heart stopped.  
        “Kaz! We were wondering if you were going to make it.”  
        “Snake..?” Kaz’s knees buckled and he dropped into the warm sand.  
        Snake smiled, the wrinkles in the corners of his eyes catching the sunlight. “Always had a flair for the melodramatic, didn’t you?” He held a beer out to Kaz. “Get up and help us drink all this.” He gestured to the cooler, which was stocked with more beer bottles. “And don’t ask where we got the GMP to pay for this.”  
        Kaz slowly stood and took the bottle from Snake, too shocked to speak.  
        “We were just talking about holding a contest for the men to see who could swim out to that buoy and back. Winner gets… I don’t know. A few days of R&R. Do you think it’s too far away?” He shielded his eyes from the sun and looked out towards the sea.  
        Kaz couldn’t take his eyes off Snake, whose greying hair caught the wind slightly, a few flyaways fluttering in front of his face. Was this real? He reached out and placed his hand on Snake’s shoulder. The rough fabric of Snake’s BDUs met his hand, every fold and wrinkle coming alive under his touch. Snake turned to him, his smile disappearing, concern washing over his face.  
        “You okay, Kaz?”  
        Kaz gripped his shoulder tighter as tears sprung to his eyes. It was him. “Yeah,” he said, his voice breaking.  
        Snake’s deep grey eyes glinted in the sunlight as he smiled again. “If you say so… You want to take your hand off my shoulder?”  
        Kaz laughed, a laugh that he hadn’t felt rise from his chest in years. Snake laughed, too, and Kaz felt a warmth consume him as he looked around at the other MSF soldiers, ones that he had watched die three years ago. And yet here they were, full of life. He chuckled again, taking a swig of his beer, savoring its refreshing taste.  
        Snake gave him a solid pat on the back. “As I was saying, we had all agreed that you should be the one to see if it’s too far. You can swim, right?”  
        “Ha ha,” Kaz said sarcastically. “Of course I can. And it’s not too far.”  
        “Prove it.”  
        Kaz took another drink of his beer and handed it back to Snake. “Just watch.” He walked over to the water’s edge and pulled off his boots and socks before stripping to his underwear. There was laughter and a few of the men whistled.  
        “We’re watching, alright!” one of them yelled.  
        Kaz turned around and thrusted his middle finger in the air at them before wading into the water. It was much warmer than he expected, and once he spotted the buoy he began to swim towards it, the men’s yells getting muffled as he swam further and further away from the shore. His arms began to tire and he stopped for a minute to rest, treading water. He looked back at the shore.  
        It was gone.  
        He began to panic. Suddenly an invisible force began to tug him downwards. He fought it with all that was left of his strength, before he finally slipped under the surface. He tried to hold his breath as he struggled against it, but he was only pulled further down into the deep black abyss. His lungs began to burn as they yearned for air. He wouldn’t make it. He prepared himself for the water that would rush into his lungs, ready to accept his fate.

 

 _November_ _1978_. _Cape_ _Town_ , _South_ _Africa_.

 

        Kaz woke in a cold sweat, his lungs still aching. The moonlight that came in through the window bathed the room in its soft bluish white glow, casting shadows of the same eery blue hue as the ocean that had just swallowed him. His heart was still beating out of his chest. It was more realistic this time, so much more vivid. He had been finding it difficult to distinguish between dream and reality for a while now. But his last dream… That really took the cake. He looked next to him, Emma’s side of the bed empty. She was probably sleeping on the couch again. The living room got less light at night than the bedroom, and lately she had been having trouble sleeping due to the amount of light that came in through the large windows. Tomorrow he would go out and invest in some thick curtains.  
        He got out of bed and shuffled into the bathroom, splashing some cool water on his face. He looked at his watch. 4:33. He decided to make himself some coffee. He didn’t really want to go back to sleep anyways.  
        He quietly made his way down the stairs, taking care not to step on the squeaky step at the bottom. He walked into the kitchen and started to brew some coffee, the ticking of the kitchen clock slowly getting on his nerves. He would check on Emma while the coffee brewed.  
        Neither of them had been getting much sleep at all. This whole situation was hell on earth for both of them. He couldn’t stand this life, and neither could she. The days went by one by one as they got closer to the inevitable. She barely smiled any more, and he had wondered if she had begun to see through his facade of false happiness. He tried his best, for her sake, to pretend like everything was fine. She had gotten her first ultrasound at her last appointment. He had subtly looked away from the monitor. Nobody noticed. He didn’t want to see it. He didn’t care. Every fiber in his body urged him to bolt for the exit and never look back, but he sat there quietly and listened to the nurse coo over a fuzzy blob on the screen, assuming that either of them wanted it in the first place.  
        Ever since then Emma had been in a permanent daze of some sort. She wasn’t hungry, she would barely talk. But what really twisted the dagger in his heart was the absence of her smile. He often found himself wondering why she didn’t just get rid of the baby when she found out. It was tearing her apart, and his hatred for it grew with every passing day.  
        He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the couch empty. He looked around the living room.  
        “Emma?”  
        Complete silence. He walked down the hall and checked in the bathroom. It was empty. He walked further down the hall and checked the sun room. Also empty. He peeped through the blinds at the driveway. Both cars were still there. He headed back towards the stairs to check the upstairs bedrooms but something on the counter caught his attention. A note, written in her hand. He picked it up and read it, fear rising in his chest.

       

        _Kaz,_

_I picked up a contract in Rhodesia. I’m sorry, I’m a coward. I couldn’t tell you to your face. But I’m sure there are a lot of things you don’t want to say to my face, either. So consider us even. You always said you would do whatever I want, so I’m asking you do to one last thing for me. Go back to the SAS. I know you’ve been dying to. So this is your chance. I’m telling you to. I can do this on my own, and I’ll keep picking up contracts until I have the money to support myself. Don’t come looking for me. I’ve dragged you down enough for one lifetime. I know you tried your best to keep me happy at your own expense. And I’ll never forget that. But now it’s my turn to tell you to forget about me. We had some good times, Casanova. But it’s time for you to move on with your life. Thanks for everything._

_Love,_   
_Emma_

 

        Kaz felt his throat tighten. “Emma, no,” he choked. He had lost his grip on her a second time, and once more, it was his fault. Only this time, he had no idea where she was. His eyes burned and he crumpled the letter in his shaking fist, sinking to the floor with his head in his hands. The coffee maker beeped. He brought his fist down on the cool tile floor as a guttural yell rose from his throat. He sat in silence as it echoed around the house, his self-hatred consuming him. He had driven her to this, whether he meant to or not. His mind told him to be thankful that the matter was finally out of his hands, that he could finally go back to what he was supposed to be doing. But his heart’s influence outweighed that of his mind, and he stood, tucking the paper into his pocket and heading to the entryway closet. He pulled out the two rifles that sat inside and took several boxes of ammunition from the shelf.  
        He would find her. Or he was going to die trying.


	13. Ocelot

_December_ _1978_. _Salisbury_ , _Rhodesia_.

 

 

        Kaz wiped the sweat from his forehead before securing the beret on his head once more. He could feel the sun burning his nose after being out in the heat for hours on end. A tall, slender man stood next to him. His skin was tanned to a golden glow and he didn’t seem to mind the heat. In fact, only moments before he had been running drills with the other recruits, barely breaking a sweat. He was in his mid-twenties, only a few years younger than Kaz, but his knowledge of the terrain and the tactics of the SAS surpassed Kaz’s own by far. Kaz turned to him, folding his arms.  
        “Let’s call it a day, Captain. Round ‘em up and send them back to the barracks. Make sure they’re drinking plenty of water. I’ll meet up with you at HQ.”  
        “Yes, sir.” Captain Beckett jogged over to the recruits, who were crawling through the mud on their stomachs, panting from exhaustion. “Alright, boys! Major’s done with you. Grab your canteens and let’s head back!” The words rolled off his tongue in a thick Rhodesian accent. The men immediately jumped to their feet, gathering their gear and forming up behind Captain Beckett, who began to lead them back in the direction of the barracks.  
        Kaz undid another button on his shirt and fanned it out, sweat already having soaked through the back and under his arms. He headed back towards the jeep and picked up the reports in the back, sitting down in the driver’s seat to check the names off one by one. The men had been performing exceptionally, and Kaz hoped that it wasn’t all in vain.  
        After searching for Emma for almost three weeks, he had decided to rejoin the Rhodesian SAS, for lack of a better way to spend his time. His blood boiled at the thought of having to go crawling back into their service. The SAS' leadership was just as questionable as it had been when he had left and it was apparent that the government was getting more and more desperate to end the bloodshed that had ravaged the country. But he was just as determined as ever to try to right the wrongs he saw every day. As soon as he got a lead on Emma he would act on it, but for now he would have to sit tight and try not to think about the atrocities the SAS was committing all in the name of the government. It was a mess, and he wanted to leave more than anything. But he couldn't leave without Emma. Officers like Beckett were fairly commonplace around the headquarters these days. No-nonsense by-the-book youngsters who hadn't seen a lick of combat. Nice, shiny new pawns for the government to play. Kaz finished signing the reports and tossed them onto the passenger seat, starting up the jeep and heading towards HQ. He just wanted to be out of this damned heat already.  
        When he pulled into the parking lot, Captain Beckett was waiting. Kaz climbed out of the jeep and headed over to him.  
        “Everybody taken care of?” Kaz said, opening the door and heading inside. The cool air washed over him and he sighed. Beckett followed.  
        “Yes, sir. They’ll be off to their jump training this evening but for now they’ve got three hours to recover.”  
        “Good.”  
        “Also, sir, there’s someone to see you. He asked to wait for you in your office.”  
        “Who is he?”  
        “I dunno. I haven’t seen him here before.”  
        Kaz nodded. One more thing to add to the ever-growing pile of things he had to do before the day was over. “Alright. Good work today, Beckett. Finish up your paperwork and get out of here early tonight.”  
        Beckett smiled and saluted. “Yes, sir.” Kaz returned the salute and Beckett broke off, heading down the adjacent hall to his office.  
        Kaz reached his office at the end of the hall and gave a knock on the door before entering. A man was sitting back casually in Kaz’s chair, a cigarette between his fingers as he surveyed the office. His silvery blond hair was pulled back into a short ponytail, and a thin mustache graced his upper lip. He was dressed in a faded tan shirt and military-grade pants uncharacteristic of those seen in the SAS or local mercenary units. He cocked his head to the side slightly when Kaz entered, looking over him from head to toe with an amused expression.  
        “Looking for a promotion, Major?” His deep voice had a slight Western drawl.  
        Kaz set the reports down on the desk slowly, eyeing the mysterious man that sat so nonchalantly before him. “Are you… from command?”  
        “Hardly.” The man put the cigarette out in the ashtray and stood, walking slowly around Kaz’s desk. There was a jingling with each step he took and Kaz noticed that the man wore spurs on his boots.  
        “Who the _hell_ are you?”  
        The man ignored Kaz’s question. “How would you feel about getting a promotion to, say… Commander?” Kaz searched the man’s sparkling blue eyes for… something… anything.  
        “What are you talking about? Listen, if you’re not here on behalf of SAS business-”  
        “What about MSF business?” Kaz froze, and the man smiled. “I have your attention now, don’t I?”  
        Kaz looked over his shoulder towards the door before turning back to the man and lowering his voice. “I want to know who you are, and how the hell you know about that. And you’re not leaving until I get answers.”  
        The man gestured to the chair. “Why don’t you take a seat, Kazuhira.”  
        Kaz squinted suspiciously but slowly lowered himself into the chair. The man closed the office door.  
        “You were contacted by Zero some time last year. So I’m sure you can put two and two together.”  
        Suddenly everything clicked. “You… You’re the one Zero told me about? You know where Snake is, don’t you? If you don’t tell me-” Kaz began to rise but the man pushed him back down into the chair.  
        “You’re in no position to make demands, Major. This is a lot bigger than you think, so I would suggest keeping your mouth shut until I’m finished.” He looked around at the office and nodded. “You seem to be doing pretty well for yourself. Snake would be pleased.” He turned back to Kaz, folding his arms and leaning against the shelf. “But let’s get down to the nitty-gritty, shall we? You want to know why I’m here. And before you ask, no, he hasn’t woken up yet.”  
        “Then I don’t want to hear anything else. Don’t talk to me until he has.”  
        “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Your remaining MSF boys… And yes, there were a good number of survivors… I’m banding them together to create a new private military. We have to be ready when Snake wakes up. That’s where you fit in.” He came over to the desk, placing his palms on it and leaning in towards Kaz. “I know you've seen firsthand what monstrosities the government is up to out here. The government you're working for right now. I know you hate it but you feel you have no choice. But I think I may just have your ticket out of this hell hole. A little bird told me Afghanistan is the place to be these days.”  
        _Afghanistan_? Kaz felt a burning anger within him. Leave his men? Leave… Emma? He rose, holding his finger in the man’s face. “Go to hell. I’m done with PFs. I know how that ends and I don’t want any part of it. And if you think that’s what Snake would want, you’re-”  
        The sly smile left the man’s face and his tone became frighteningly grave. “I’ve known the man for fourteen years. You can bet your ass I know _exactly_ what he wants.”  
        Kaz grit his teeth. “That changes nothing. I don’t know you, and I don’t trust you. Now get the hell out of my office.”  
        The man exhaled sharply from his nose. “I was told you would be hard to reason with. But I don’t want you to decide right away. Sleep on it. Just remember: an army at your disposal. A real army, not some ragged would-be mercenaries. For you to command as you see fit. And as for me,” he handed Kaz a slip of paper with a telephone number on it. “I don’t know how I’ll be able to earn your trust. But I’ll prove it in any way I can. Call me if there’s anything you need. The name’s Ocelot.” He held out his hand. Kaz put the paper in his pocket and folded his arms. Ocelot retracted his hand and opened the door. “Think about it,” he said, leaving.  
        Kaz could barely process what had just happened. His mind felt like it was going to explode. This stranger had taken his old men -Snake’s old men- and created the very thing that tore them apart the first time, all in the name of Snake. If this was true, how well did he really know him? He rubbed his temples. The offer was tempting, and obviously this man knew how to appeal to his interests. But he was already deep in his own business in Rhodesia. There was no way he would leave, at least until everything was resolved.  
        Suddenly the sound of a loud neigh caught his attention and he looked out the window to see a rearing horse, Ocelot sitting in the saddle like a damn cowboy. He snapped the reins and they galloped out of sight.  
        Kaz snorted. Who the hell was this guy? He flopped back down in the chair, weary from the heat and the exhaustion and everything else that had transpired that day. His mind was spinning. He would try his best to make sense of it later, but for now he had paperwork to finish. That was his priority, the here and now. Not this "Ocelot", not Emma. He had a job to do, and hell, he was going to do it. But he couldn’t push the thought out of his head.  
        A private military at his command…

 


	14. Picking up Contracts

 

  

 

 _Christmas_ _Day_ , _1978_. _10km_ _from_ _Umtali_ , _Rhodesia_.

 

 

 

        Emma opened her eyes as another rumble of thunder shook the cool clay floor that she had been siting on for the past several hours. Her back was beginning to ache from leaning against the open doorframe as she slept, although she found that it was a more comfortable sleeping position than laying flat on the ground. She rubbed her eyes and moved her rifle so it leaned against her other shoulder as she looked out over the wide expanse of the savanna, the black storm clouds slowly rolling across it. This small village probably wouldn’t see any rain from it, though, and goodness knows their crops needed it.  
        Emma heard a clanking as her hosts began to prepare breakfast. One could hardly tell that there were five small children living in the tiny clay house, judging by the amount of noise they made. There was the quiet pitter patter of little feet on the dirt as the children ran outside with their buckets to go fetch some water from the stream. Emma smiled as she watched them disappear into the tall grass, headed towards the village. The amount of respect and obedience they showed towards their parents was astounding, and she could only hope that she had the strength to raise her own child the same way.  
        She stood up, a little too fast, and wobbled slightly as she let her blood finish circulating. She ducked through the doorway and into the kitchen area, where a tall, slender woman laid an egg out on each of the plates in front of her. She looked up and smiled with pearly white teeth when Emma entered.  
        “Yaka naka aka naka, Emma. You sleep well?”  
        Emma smiled. “Ehe, Nakiso.” There was another deep rumble of thunder and she nodded out the window at the storm clouds. “You think you’ll be getting any of that rain?”  
        Nakiso shook her head, her face falling slightly but her glowing smile still gracing her face. She went back to preparing breakfast. “Aiwa. Rain will come in time. We must be murwere….eh…” She snapped her fingers as she looked for the right word. “Ah! Patient.” She brought the plates over to the small kitchen table. “Join us for breakfast today, Emma?”  
        “I’m sorry, I can’t. Ndi’m sori. I have to relay some intel today.”  
        “If you say. My husband remind me this morning that it is Christmas! You will join us for a Christmas supper tonight, at least? He will bring a ham back from the city when he comes home from work.”  
        Emma had completely forgotten. She planned to spend the night at the relay station but how could she refuse the offer? Especially after all the trouble Gondai was probably going through just to bring a ham home. She smiled. “Oh, Nakiso. Tenda iwe. That would be very nice. I’ll be home before sundown.” She pulled on her beret. “Have a good day, Nakiso.”  
        “God watch over you and your little one, Emma.”  
        Emma smiled and headed out into the African heat, slinging her gun over her shoulder. As she began to make her way through the tall grass she heard giggling, and upon further investigation found Nakiso’s children in a small cleared-out area, building a tower out of their buckets rather than using them to collect water like their mother had told them to.  
        “Ey, vana!” Emma could tell she had caught them off guard by the way they all scurried to their feet when she called. “What did your mother tell you? You don’t want me to tell her you’ve been ignoring her, do you? I can head right back to your house right now to let her know…”  
        “Emma, please, no!” They all scooped up their buckets and looked up at Emma with pleading eyes. The oldest spoke up.  
        “We’ll do anything, please don’t tell Mama.”  
        Emma tried to keep a serious expression on her face, but she just couldn’t. She tousled his hair, laughing. “Run along and get your water, and I’ll think about it.” They quickly darted off, disappearing once more into the grass. They were good kids. And they listened to their mother… most of the time. Emma continued onwards towards the village.  
        Emma had been staying with Nakiso while she was under contract with the SAS as an independent operative. She hated the idea of pledging her services to a government that she had long since been critical of, but what could she do? It seemed that despite every step she had taken to get away from this god-awful country, it had pulled her back into the bloody conflict like quicksand. She had almost passed up the contract when it had been offered, both out of utter disdain for the government and what it stood for, and out of fear that somehow Kaz would end up learning of her whereabouts. But it turned out that his division, COINOPS, was busy with handling counterinsurgency measures. ISOPS just handled the work that they couldn’t spare the manpower for. Which, in this case, was intel. Emma had been assigned to a small village outside of Umtali and had taken up residence with Nakiso. In return for a roof over her head, she offered protection for the family’s crops and the several chickens they owned. Emma had spent more time breaking up village squabbles than keeping track of troop movements. In fact, for the past three weeks she had no suspicious activity to report to HQ. None.  
        She was beginning to tire of the weekly trek up to the relay station. It was only a few miles outside of the village, but it was a lonely few miles with not much to look at along the way. Her back was killing her, too. God, she would give anything for a half-decent jeep. The contract paid well, though, and she figured that after another month or so she would have enough saved up to be able to afford a place to stay. Emma wanted nothing more than to just go back to the Knights, or even back to Aunt Barbara, but she knew Kaz would come looking.  
        She hated having to leave him with a note, but he would have never let her go if she had told him to his face. It was much harder to put him out of her mind this time than it was last time. Everything he had done for her… The house, leaving his job… It made her feel even worse. The fact that he would even be willing to do any of that for her… That wasn’t the Kaz she had met two years ago. Two years ago he probably would have left her without a word. She would have preferred it that way. But he had changed. _She_ had changed him.  
        A few of the villagers greeted Emma as she made her way through town, and she returned the gesture with a smile. They carried sacks full of dry, dead crops, sweating under the weight of them. They had been tending to their crops day in and day out but the scorching sun had been ruthless, drying out the plants before they ever had the chance to fully grow. They were good people. They didn’t deserve this. But she had seen enough of it during her time in Africa to know that it was more commonplace than many were led to believe. She had lost track of the number of days since it had last rained, but today thick clouds blocked out the sun, giving a sliver of hope that a few drops might fall. She could just see the relay station in the distance, drawing closer at a painstakingly slow pace, and she trudged onwards.  
        Suddenly a bullet whizzed past her ear and she dropped to the dirt, her heart pounding. She held her breath and listened for any sound of movement. She slowly unslung her rifle from her shoulder, staying pinned to the ground. She closed her eyes and honed her senses, struggling to slow her breathing. To her twelve o’ clock there was the whispering sound of the dry grass against BDU pants, a sound she had long since taught herself to become aware of.  
        Emma brought her rifle sight to her eye, her finger resting delicately on the trigger. There was a flash of a green jacket through the blades of grass and suddenly she saw a face, mud smeared across it as camouflage. She pulled the trigger without hesitation, a loud bang ringing across the savanna as the soldier’s head was thrown back from the force of the bullet passing through his skull. Emma quickly reloaded her gun. There would be more. She lifted herself out of the dirt and onto her knees, searching her immediate surroundings before bolting back towards the village as fast as her legs could carry her. There was a yell and suddenly the field behind her came alive with the sound of automatic gunfire.  
        “ZANLA militants!” she yelled towards the village. “Tiri zasi zvinda! Get your guns! Tiri zasi zvinda!” The villagers who were previously mulling about dropped what they were doing, scattering. Screams rose from the small houses and the raid bell began to ring. Men appeared from their houses carrying weapons, staking out cover and returning fire towards the militants, who were almost invisible in the grass. Emma ran straight through the village towards Nakiso’s house. Nakiso stood outside with a rifle, a look of fierce determination on her face. Emma slowed to a stop when she reached them, panting. “Nakiso,” she said, breathless. “Where- where are-”  
        Nakiso nodded over her shoulder towards the kitchen, where the five children were huddled under the kitchen table. “Tell me what you need me to do, Emma,” she said.  
        Emma breathed a sigh of relief, taking Nakiso by the shoulder. “Take the children and run. Go to the city, find Gondai, and stay somewhere safe."  
        “But-”  
        “ _Please_.”  
        Nakiso was silent for a moment, and Emma could see the conflict in her eyes. A grenade detonated nearby and the children began to wail. “Alright.” She turned to her children. “Uya. Tiri kuenda ku ona baba.” They scurried out from under the table and clung to her skirt. She started to head away but turned back to Emma. “Be careful, Emma. You will meet us in the city, yes?”  
        Emma smiled as comfortingly as she could and nodded. Nakiso turned and began to run, her children following closely. Other women and children from the village followed suit, some crying, some toting shotguns, rifles or prized possessions. “Head towards Umtali!” Emma yelled after them. As she watched the last of them leave she pulled out her binoculars and looked out towards the field. There were easily over a hundred of them. There were only about ten or twenty men on her side returning fire, many of whom had never fired a gun before in their life. She felt her stomach drop. They would all be slaughtered in mere minutes. She pulled the radio from her belt and switched it on, shouting over the artillery fire.  
        “Requesting Headquarters! This is Operational Area Thrasher. We are under heavy enemy fire. Come in, over!” There was a rush of static and Emma’s heart began to sink, until there was a click.  
        “This is Headquarters. Say again.”  
        “This is Operational Area Thrasher, 10 kilometers West of Umtali. We are under heavy fire, at least one hundred militants, over.”  
        There was another short pause. “Copy. How many in your unit, over?”  
        “Eh… Just myself and several civilians, over.”  
        The pause was longer this time, until another voice came over the radio. “This is Headquarters-Actual. Can you hold out? We’re dispatching an evac, over.”  
        “I can try. Er, wilco. Over.”  
        “Copy. Evac ETA approximately twenty minutes. Hang in there. Over and out.”  
        Emma switched off her radio. Twenty minutes. She made her way back over to the edge of the village, taking cover behind a crumbling wall. Bullets flew past, lodging themselves in the sides of the houses and kicking up dirt. Emma leaned out of cover and took a few shots into the field, taking out a soldier or two, and froze when she saw the sea of guerrilla militants that was emerging from the scrubby bush line.  
        “Holy mother of God.” She ducked back behind her cover, glancing at the men around her. She could see the fear in their eyes, but they would give their lives to protect their homes. She could tell by the way they fought with every ounce of strength they had.  
        Twenty minutes. They weren’t going to make it.  
        The villagers held a strong defense for the first several minutes, working together to pick off those who stuck their heads a little too far above the grass while Emma took care of the snipers. More and more militants poured out from the brush, toting missile launchers and large-caliber machine guns. They were going to get torn down in minutes if they didn’t rethink their strategy. Suddenly one villager fell, and then another. The rest became distracted, letting their fear get the better of them. Emma watched as the guerrillas began making wide radius around the village on both sides, working to flank them.  
        There was no way in hell she was getting out of this.  
        The man next to her fell backwards, dead before he hit the ground. The bullet had gone straight through his head. Emma looked away only to see another one fall. Something flew in front of her face and landed several feet away. Her heart stopped.  
        “GRENADE!” she dove behind cover. The others didn’t react fast enough, and seconds later it detonated, demolishing the nearby house as if it were made of straw. Emma’s ears were ringing and she looked up to see one of the villagers on the ground screaming in agony. His limbs were blown clear off. Emma looked down at her own body, lucky to find only several lacerations, all of her limbs intact. She spotted her rifle and picked it up, her vision still trying to return to normal.  
        There were screams all around her. She pulled herself to her feet, trying to get her bearings. They were getting closer, and any minute now they would overpower everyone here. She reloaded her rifle and aimed it back towards the field, shooting anything that moved, unaware of the animalistic yell that rose from her chest. She readied herself for the spray of bullets that would inevitably take her life. She apologized to Kaz, whose child she was about to die with. She apologized to the child, for having a mother and father who never cared. She apologized to her parents, and her Aunt Barbara-  
        Suddenly three SAS choppers came thundering out of nowhere, unleashing hell onto the guerrillas in the form of .50 caliber bullets and heat-seeking missiles. She fell down onto her knees and closed her eyes, smiling as she listened to the sweet sound of the SAS sending the enemy to hell. A chopper descended in front of her and several SAS medics hopped out, one of them running over to Emma and helping her up.  
        “Are you Ross?”  
        Emma nodded. “Don’t forget the rest of our boys,” she said weakly. Her arm was throbbing, her ears were still buzzing and her legs threatened to give out any second.  
        “We won’t.” He motioned to the other medics, who where helping the three remaining villagers into the helicopter. “Is that it?” They gave him the a-ok and he helped her into the helicopter. He gave the pilot a thumbs up and they lifted off. Emma watched as the ground grew further and further away, littered with bodies and the remnants of the houses that she had seen intact only an hour ago. On the very edge of town, Nakiso’s house was leveled, almost indistinguishable from the rest of the rubble. She prayed that Nakiso and her children had made it to the city safely. If something had happened to them… Her head was spinning and her eyelids were growing heavier by the second.  
        The medic next to her whistled. “You really held down the fort, didn’t you? Jesus, look at that,” he said, surveying the damage. He turned to the pilot. “Are we headed back to Salisbury?”  
        “Negative. They’re under lockdown for a terrorist threat. We have orders to bring them to Fort Victoria.”  
        The medic nodded and began to look over Emma’s wounds. “Consider yourself lucky, Ross. Blood loss, lacerations, looks like you’ve got yourself a fracture or two…” His words faded as unconsciousness began to overcome her. His hand on her shoulder felt heavy. “Just relax and let yourself slip. You’re safe.”

 

 


	15. Merry Christmas

_Christmas Day, 1978. Salisbury, Rhodesia._

 

        Kaz watched with folded arms as several SAS soldiers struggled to stuff a Christmas tree through the HQ main door. They tried their best to coordinate their efforts, but were failing miserably. Kaz tried to hold back a laugh as he watched pine needles drop to the clean linoleum floor, the soldiers grunting and arguing amongst themselves as they attempted to find the best way to fit it through.  
        “Where the _hell_ did you find that?” He said, watching the branches shake and sway. There had to have been at least five soldiers, all buried deep within the branches. “It’s six o’ clock in the damn morning. I could write you up for this, you know.”  
        One of the soldiers emerged, heading over to Kaz, covered in scratches and sap. “I’m sorry, sir. It was supposed to be a surprise. But,” he sighed and turned back to the others, who had only made a small amount of progress. “It just won’t fit through the door.”  
        “Hm.” Kaz rolled up his sleeves and went over to the tree, lending a hand. After a few sweaty minutes of maneuvering, they managed to get it into the lobby, the secretary watching all the while with a look of amusement. “Where were you planning on putting this?”  
        There were a few snickers and one of the soldiers spoke up. “Well, sir, we were planning on putting it in front of your door, so when you woke up…” He started laughing and couldn’t finish the sentence.  
        “I think the lobby will do nicely,” Kaz said, setting the tree down. He looked back at the trail of pine needles they had left. “Hammond, get a broom and start cleaning this mess up.” He looked back at the tree. It wasn’t half bad. It was an impressive size, certainly not a tree native to the area. “So where exactly did you…?”  
        “There’s a Christmas tree farm on the other side of town, sir. About ten miles away. We took one of the jeeps-”  
        “You took one of the jeeps, eh? You’re lucky there wasn’t an inspection this morning.”  
        “Well, sir, we had accounted for that. We bribed one of the requisition officers so he wouldn’t report it as missing.”  
        Kaz chuckled. “Those are my boys, alright.”  
        “We learned from the best, sir.”  
        Kaz had watched these men go from stumbling recruits to full-fledged SAS troopers. He watched them nearly piss their pants as they jumped out of a plane for the first time, and he watched them get their wings. They had come far. He couldn't help but feel a little choked up as he thought about how little they _actually_ knew about what was going on under their noses. They thought they were fighting to make their country a better place. Little did they know the very government they worked for played such a large part in the country's undoing. He cocked his head to the side as he examined the tree.  
        “Did anyone think to get ornaments?”  
        Silence.  
        “Eh… Fuck. We forgot, sir.”  
        Another soldier’s face lit up. “We’ve got some empty casings out back, and I’m pretty sure I saw a box of dummy grenades in the training room.” He disappeared, and soon the other soldiers were spouting off ideas as to what could be used in place of traditional ornaments, hurrying off in separate directions and leaving Kaz alone with the tree. It was silent except for the muffled clicking of the secretary’s typewriter and the ticking of the clock on the wall.  
        Kaz wondered where Emma was right now, what she was doing. He had never taken much of an interest in holidays but he still found himself wondering whether she was thinking about him on this Christmas morning. They had spent the last two Christmases with each other. He didn't consider himself very religious, but it was a nice time of year to be with someone you cared about.  
        “How are you spending your Christmas, Major?” The secretary said, looking up from her work. “Will Emma be coming by? I heard they’re going to try to hold a Christmas party tonight in the mess hall.”  
        “That sounds nice.” He sighed. “No, I don’t think she can make it this year.” He looked at his watch. Time to start on paperwork. He started heading down the darkened hall towards his office, turning the lights on as he went. “I’ll talk to you later, Wilma.”  
        He turned the key in his office door, which seemed to have decided that it would be a good time to be stuck. He gave it a forceful shove with his shoulder and it flew open. He flicked on the light and sat down at his desk, sighing once more as he eyed the stack of paperwork before him. Best to get a head start on it while he could.  
        He sat silently, diligently working through the paperwork as the rising sun’s rays moved across the room, and around seven thirty Wilma brought him a steaming cup of coffee, which was much appreciated. By eight thirty he was almost done with his reports, looking forward to the hour or two he could have to himself before training began at eleven.  
        He signed his name at the bottom of his last report, putting it in the stack with the rest and sliding them into a folder. He collected his empty coffee mug and took the reports down to Wilma, who was surrounded by a group of soldiers, talking loudly amongst themselves.  
        “Are you serious?” One of them said. “Is that official? From Command?”  
        Wilma shrugged. “It’s just what I heard. Don’t come crying to me if someone else says otherwise.”  
        Kaz set the reports down on Wilma’s desk, eyeing the recruits who were feverishly trying to tune into the radio on her desk. He raised an eyebrow. “What’s up?”  
        “ZANLA is attacking a town East of here. Now, apparently-”  
        “ _Apparently_ ,” one of the soldiers emphasized. Wilma rolled her eyes and continued.  
        “ _Apparently_ we only have one operative out there. Over 400 militants against one operative and a few villagers from what I heard.”  
        Kaz laughed. “No way in hell.” There was a loud rush of static as the soldiers managed to tune into the SAS frequency. There was a collective _“Shh!”_ as they all grew silent to listen. The sound of a helicopter’s rotors emerged from the static, and the pilot’s voice came over the radio.  
        _“- in our sights. Engaging.”_ The soldiers listened with baited breath. Suddenly the sound of the siren cut over everything else, and Kaz took the radio, tuning in to the base’s frequency.  
        _“... Repeat, we are on lockdown until further notice. All officers report to Command. This is priority one. Report to your unit and await further instruction. Repeat, we are on lockdown-”_  
        “Alright, party's over, everyone. Report to your senior officers. Let’s see what this is about,” Kaz said. He set the radio down and ran outside, hopping in the nearest jeep and heading off for the command center. A large plume of black smoke rose slowly into the air in the North, towards downtown Salisbury. His heart sank as he remembered the loss of life when a department store had been bombed just last year. He hoped to God that it wasn’t happening again.  
        When he reached the command center he ran inside and was met at the door by his superior, Colonel Harper. Kaz saluted and followed him down the hall. “What’s going on, Colonel?”  
        The Colonel sighed. “ZANLA’s fired several rockets at an oil supply facility here in Salisbury. We’re not quite sure if this attack and the one in Umtali are coordinated, but we’re staying on lockdown until we can figure this out. The Rhodesian Security Forces are on the scene right now. The terrorists are putting up heavy resistance, so I want you to take your unit out there and show them what we’re made of. Give us ten minutes and we’ll have a few choppers ready for you and your men.”  
        “Yes, sir.”  
        The Colonel pulled out a map and spread it across the table, fiddling with his mustache. “Did you hear about the attack on Umtali yet?” He whistled.  
        “Just a few rumors. They said we only had one operative out there.”  
        The colonel nodded. “We never saw it coming, dammit. No reports of any suspicious activity out there for the past month.” He sighed. “We were able to get our operative out of there, and a few of the villagers, too. It was a bloodbath. But they put up a good fight. If this doesn’t go down in the history books, I don’t know what will. The only operative we had out there was a woman, Major. _A damn pregnant woman_.”  
        Kaz heart stopped.  
        “What?” he choked.  
        The Colonel chuckled. “Isn’t that insane? We've got to start a better screening process for our contractors. But this stays between you and me. As far as the press is concerned, it was one of our male soldiers.”  
        “Where are they now? The survivors-”  
        “We had them rerouted to a hospital in Fort Victoria.”  
        Kaz could feel his throat closing. He knew it was her. It had to be. How the hell did she pick up a contract in the SAS without him knowing? And what the hell was she doing in Operational Area Thrasher? Fort Victoria was no place for her to be, not when… “Colonel, is there any way you could send another unit? I know Richardson’s men are well equipped for this kind of-”  
        The Colonel frowned. “Not possible. Your unit’s the only one authorized for active duty. The rest are on lockdown. Why, planning on leaving us again?”  
        “No, it’s just-” Kaz eyed the telephone in the corner of the room. “I need to use the phone.”  
        Colonel Harper looked at his watch. “Make it quick.”  
        Kaz hurried over to the phone and pulled out the scrap of paper in his pocket. He couldn’t believe he was resorting to this. He dialed the number on the paper and listened to it ring. “Come on, pick up,” he mumbled.  
        There was a click and Ocelot’s voice came over the phone. “Major Miller, I see you’ve changed your min-”  
        “Shut up for two seconds, please. You owe me a favor.”  
        Ocelot sighed. “I suppose I do…”  
        “Listen, there’s someone I need you to find. One of our operatives. Her name’s Emma Ross and she’s in a hospital in Fort Victoria.”  
        “Hm. You know Cipher’s been operating out of there these days-”  
        “I know that,” Kaz growled. “Why else do you think I would be resorting to your help? My hands are tied, otherwise I would do it myself.” He sighed. The Colonel was looking at him and tapping his watch. “Listen.” He spoke into the phone in a low voice. “She knows too much. If Cipher-”  
        “I’ll take care of it.” Ocelot sighed. “But I expect to have a serious talk after I’m done with this.”  
        “Fine. And don’t let her know you’re there on my behalf. Just get it done, and we’ll talk all you want.” He hung up, slamming the phone down onto the receiver. He knew he would regret trusting that slimy snake of a man, but right now he was out of options.  
        “Just in time,” the Colonel said. “Your men are waiting.”  
        “Yes, sir.”  
        Kaz geared up and headed outside onto the tarmac as his unit started to filter into the helicopters. Right now he had other things to worry about. He could only hope that Ocelot could be trusted with this, and all he could do was wait. He adjusted his sunglasses on his face and slid his headset on, taking a deep breath before addressing his men.   
        “Merry Christmas, boys! Let’s go show ZANLA who they’re fucking with!”


	16. Heading North

_December 1978. Fort Victoria, Rhodesia._

 

        Emma had spent far too long staring at the white ceiling above her hospital bed. She wouldn’t be allowed out of her room until the doctors cleared her, which they still had yet to do. She wasn’t in anywhere near as a bad shape as the three others. They were still in surgery, fighting for their lives. And here she sat, the window open and a cool breeze playing with the white curtains, birds chirping outside. She got lucky.  
        A television sat on a stand in front of her bed, a smooth-voiced male reporter gracing the screen.  
        _“… in what is the latest of ZANLA terrorist attacks, a downtown Salisbury oil facility was bombed yesterday morning, with an estimated fifteen casualties…”_  
        Emma didn’t want to watch anymore. She was sure Kaz was probably up to his knees in all of this. Her heart ached to think that anyone would think that bombing civilian facilities would be a decent way to resolve conflicts. Things weren’t looking well for Rhodesia. More and more of these attacks had been popping up recently, and ZANLA’s numbers were only growing. She sighed and reached for the remote, switching off the television.  
        She didn’t even know where she was. Fort Victoria, apparently? She was almost glad. If she had been brought to the hospital in Salisbury, Kaz would have found out in no time. Still, she didn’t want to take any chances. As soon as she was cleared to leave, she would get as far away as possible.  
        There was a knock on the door and a nurse entered, her white cap perched delicately on her perfectly curled hair.  
        “Ms. Ross? There’s someone to see you.” She opened the door wider to reveal a man in his mid- to late thirties. She had never seen him before in her life.  
        “Um… Alright.” The nurse smiled and let the man in, closing the door behind him. “Who are you, exactly?”  
        “I’m from Command back in Salisbury. Listen, we need you to come back for a debriefing ASAP.” There was a slight Western twang in his voice, and accent she hadn’t heard in years. Certainly not an accent commonly found in Rhodesia, of all places.  
        “I haven’t been cleared to-”  
        The man pulled up a chair next to her and handed her several papers. “You were, as of ten minutes ago.”  
        Emma examined them closely. Doctor’s signature, SAS seal of approval… Everything checked out. “But why do they want a debrief? I’m just a contractor.” She handed the papers back to him. He was looking out the window, his eyes skimming the roofs.  
        “Well, it turns out that this isn’t really the safest place for either of us to be right now.”  
        “What do you mean? ZANLA’s here?”  
        “HQ is just concerned about your safety. As soon as your friends get out of surgery, they’ll be transferred, too.”  
        “Oh.” His eyes flitted down and she bunched the sheets up around her stomach. It was getting harder to hide these days. He didn’t take notice, though, and she breathed a small sigh of relief as he stood.  
        “Get changed and gather your things. I’ll be back in a few minutes and we can leave. Make it quick.” He turned to the door and left, leaving Emma by herself.  
        She couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn’t right. They were already so eager to let her go? Who was this guy, anyways, and what did he mean by “not the safest place”? Even if he really was from Command, there was no way she was going back to Salisbury with him.  
        She quietly slipped out of bed and looked back at the door. She could see his silhouette through the frosted glass window. She only had a few minutes. She pulled on the pants and the shirt that sat on the chair and laced up her boots. She quietly made her way to the window, sliding it open slowly. It opened almost effortlessly, without a sound. She poked her head out. It was a good twenty feet to the ground. Luckily she was only on the second floor, but the sidewalk was bustling below. All she could do was hope no one saw her.  
        She climbed out and slowly stood, inching across the thin ledge that was below the window. A delivery truck was parked next to the hospital, only about ten feet to her right. She slowly inched sideways towards it, keeping her back pressed to the wall. Nobody had looked up yet, thank God.  
        Suddenly a woman screamed, and a fraction of a second later there was a loud bang, a bullet embedding itself in the wall only inches from her head. Chaos broke out in the street below. Emma panicked and almost lost her balance as another bullet hit the wall, even closer than the last. She was just a few feet from the truck. She could almost…  
        There were three loud gunshots to her left and she looked back at the window to see the man leaning out, brandishing twin revolvers. He holstered one of them and reached a hand out towards her. “What the hell are you doing? Get back here!”  
        “Who the _hell_ are you?” she yelled, not about to wait for an answer. She was weaponless, like an open target to him and anyone else on the street below. She jumped onto the roof of the truck and quickly slid off of it and onto the ground. The panic in the crowded street worked perfectly to her advantage and she weaved through the masses until she reached an alley. She stopped for a few seconds to catch her breath before following the alley to another street. She looked both ways and slipped into a car that had been left running in the chaos. She couldn’t believe her luck. She put it into gear and accelerated with a bit of tire-spin, honking her horn as people ran wildly through the street in front of the car. The rear windshield shattered as a bullet whizzed through and she ducked her head, abruptly turning down an adjacent street for more cover.  
        Who would be targeting her directly like that? She didn’t think that ZANLA was capable of recognizing SAS operatives on sight, or that they could possibly know of her whereabouts. But she didn’t have time to dwell on that right now.  
        Once she felt she was out of danger she decreased her speed, blending in with the normal afternoon traffic. She looked in her rear view mirror to see the flashing lights of the ambulances and police cars that went sailing past.  
        Who the hell was that man? And what kind of vendetta did he have that he would come after her personally? She was obviously caught up in something much larger than she was previously aware of. That, she was sure of. Her heart was still racing.  
        The first order of business was to get out of this city. She opened the glovebox and, after a few minutes of rifling through it, found a road map. She was tempted to just head east to Selukwe, but if those men had been able to find her in the hospital then they sure as hell would have found out about the Knights of Rhodesia. She wasn’t about to put their lives in danger. They had more than enough to deal with these days anyways.  
        Emma winced as the pain in her shoulder sprung up again. She pulled up her sleeve to see blood seeping through it. She must have accidentally opened up the sutures. She applied some pressure to it, gritting her teeth. The northernmost portion of the country would be her safest bet. After she had the chance to lay low for a little while she would pick up more contracts under another name.  
        She took the exit for the highway, double-checking to make sure her car had enough gas to get her to the next city. It would be close, but she would make it. She wasn’t about to stop now.  
        That was twice in the past two days that she had barely escaped with her life. Everything was going to shit and she had absolutely no idea how to fix it. It was as if everything already plaguing her life before hadn’t been enough, so fate had decided to throw more in her way. She had never been more terrified. She wanted her old life back more than anything. She knew that if she ran to Kaz for help, he would drop everything for her. But that’s exactly the reason why she needed to stay away. Whatever was going on… She wouldn’t bring him into this. She would get to the bottom of it by herself.

 

 


	17. Opening Up

 

 

_December 1978. Salisbury, Rhodesia._

 

 

        Kaz slammed his fist down onto the desk, sending several pencils and pens scattering to the floor, his voice unnervingly quiet. “You’d better be joking, or I swear to God-”  
        Ocelot brought his finger to Kaz’s face threateningly, matching his ferocity. “Next time you should think about giving me all the details before sending me on a manhunt for someone in XOF’s sights-”  
        “Don’t try to pin this on me! It’s your own damn fault that everything went south. I gave you all of the details. None of the other information is relevant.”  
        “What, like how XOF knew her exact location? That seems pretty relevant to me. You know as well as anyone else that the only threat to XOF is me, you, and Snake.”  He narrowed his eyes and slowly leaned in so his face was mere inches from Kaz’s. “I’m giving you one last chance. One last chance to tell me everything.”  
        Kaz stared with equal intensity back into Ocelot’s eyes before sitting back in his desk chair. “I already did.”  
        Ocelot grit his teeth and sighed. “Alright,” he said, he tone of his voice uncharacteristically calm. He drew back and began slowly pacing across Kaz’s office. “Let me try to piece this all together the best I can. Don’t hesitate to tell me if any of this is wrong.” He crossed his arms. “This… Emma… I’m guessing Cipher knows about her because of her association with you. But Cipher doesn’t keep track of the people you only interact with once or twice. No, they’re going to watch the people you’re in constant contact with.”  
        “Cipher isn’t keeping track of anyone. They don’t know where I am,” Kaz growled. It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t entirely the truth, either.  
        “Then how did Zero get in touch with you?” Ocelot noted Kaz’s silence. “Exactly. Can I continue?”  
        Kaz huffed. Ocelot placed his hands on the desk and leaned towards him. “Listen, Miller, I’m not an idiot. I can put two and two together. You’ve got me chasing after some poor girl that you’ve fucked over. And now she’s got XOF on her tail, all because you couldn’t keep your hands-”  
        “That’s _ENOUGH_.” Kaz looked away from Ocelot’s burning stare. “I know. I was the one who put her information in Cipher’s hands,” he said quietly.  
        _“What?”_  
        Kaz sighed. Guilt twisted his heart. “We had only just met. I barely knew her. Something didn’t quite sit right with her mercenary group out in Selukwe. The Knights of Rhodesia. They were operating above the law, outside of the jurisdiction of Rhodesia. All mercenary outfits are supposed to be screened by the SAS, but somehow they banded together under the radar. The things they were doing… They were merciless. Brutal, even. It’s as if they were throwing the Geneva Conventions out the window.” Kaz stopped for a moment, steeling himself. “The SAS has a register of suspicious persons and organizations. Anyone listed on it is put on a similar list among other government organizations; MI6, ASIS… the CIA… I put every single one of them on that list, including her… It’s my job.” Kaz could hear the desperation in his own voice. “So I hung around with their group for a while, to get a better idea of whether or not the government needed to intervene. They were on our side, after all, and I respected their motives. Eventually I retracted their names from the list, but by that time it was too late. Cipher had already seen my name in big bold letters, and under it, each of theirs.”  
        “What if they hadn’t?”  
        “Come on. We both know Cipher. Within a week of receiving that information they already had a dozen men on our tail. I stuck with the Knights of Rhodesia and managed to convince them that the XOF soldiers coming after us were just an elite branch of ZANLA soldiers. The Knights slaughtered them, of course. So you can see how they were digging themselves even deeper into the hole I dug. More and more XOF soldiers would come after them, and I stuck with them because of the guilt I felt. It was my fault that more and more of them were dying with each XOF raid on their compound. Finally I made the decision to leave the Knights and go back to the SAS. I figured that if I left, XOF would leave them alone. They did, but only because they decided to watch them from afar. It’s only now that I realized that XOF was waiting for them to split up so they could pick them off one by one. And Emma was the first to leave.”  
        Ocelot stood. “And she doesn’t know any of this, does she?” he said quietly.  
        Kaz shook his head. “She has no idea. And it needs to stay that way.”  
        Ocelot closed his eyes. “And you’re willing to give her life and the life of your unborn child in order to keep this under wraps.”  
        “What are you talking about-”  
        “I told you, Miller, I can put two and two together.”  
        “Listen, I’m not giving anyone’s life for anything. I’ve been trying to fix this. It’s my own mess and it’s been eating away at me for two years. You-” he sighed. “You couldn't even begin to understand. First Snake, now Emma. Everything that happened to both of them is my fault, don’t you see?”  
        Ocelot crossed his arms. “Let me guess, you want my help.”  
        Kaz looked down at his feet. “No, unless you want to end up with me stabbing you in the back. Seems to happen a lot.”  
        Ocelot sat on the desk. “I’ll do it.” Kaz looked up at him, shocked. After all that he had done… “But I’m doing it for her. Because she doesn’t deserve to die for your sins.”  
        Kaz stood and held out his hand. Ocelot raised an eyebrow and slowly took it, giving it a firm shake, a small smile gracing his lips. “Does this mean you’ll hear me out about Snake’s private military?”  
        Kaz clenched his jaw. “Fine.”  
        “I’ve got an entire PF at my disposal, Miller. And if you decide to join up, you will, too. It’s up to you. It would make things a lot easier.”  
        Kaz couldn’t deny that. With enough manpower, it would be easy enough to track her down, and to crush any XOF forces that came after them. But at the same time, unknown PF forces would stir up all sorts of attention, not only with Rhodesia’s government, but with XOF as well. If they caught wind that Kaz was building up another PF, they wouldn’t hesitate to shut it down. It wasn’t quite time to bring all that attention to themselves. Not yet.  
        “I think this is something we should handle on our own. We can’t risk Cipher learning about that military of yours.”  
        Ocelot nodded. “Fair enough. I can spare a few men, at least, if the need arises.” He slowly walked over to the large map of Africa that hung on the wall, his spurs jingling with each step. He studied the map, his arms crossed. “Where should we start? I don’t have a single lead on her. Things happened pretty fast, and she managed to get away in a car. That’s all I know.”  
        Kaz came over and looked at the map, circling Fort Victoria on it. “She wouldn’t head north to Salisbury. She wouldn’t want to be anywhere near where I am.” Ocelot looked at him, a puzzled expression on his face. “What? We were having… disagreements.” Kaz looked back at the map. “And we can rule out Selukwe. I think she’d want to leave her mercenary friends out of this one.”  
        “Do you think she left the country?”  
        “I doubt it. But then again, she knows how I think and might just be trying to pull a double bluff. We have a place in South Africa. Cape Town. She might be there.” He sighed and rubbed his eyes. “Or she might not.”  
        “She doesn’t know about XOF, but she knows that _someone_ is after her. I would think she’d try to avoid places she was known to have been.”  
        “That doesn’t help as much as you think it might.”  
        “We could start with the far East or far North and go from there. Either way, her car would have run out of gas before she could make it very far either way out of Fort Victoria.” He circled Shabani and Umvuma on the map. “These are the only two roads she could have taken. And I’d imagine they would be the only places with serviceable gas stations until the next city. I say we ask around in both places and go from there.”  
        It wasn’t a bad plan. Time consuming, but it would work, assuming she had actually gone either of the two ways.  
        “Alright.”  
        “Give me a day to run some intel. Don’t worry, Cipher won’t know anything about it.”  
        “Fine, just be ready.”  
        “I will be.” With that, Ocelot headed towards the door. As he opened the door he stopped and turned around. “Listen, Miller.” He sighed. “Don’t beat yourself up over this. It’s a bad situation… Pretty bad, actually. And a shame she had to get caught up in it. But you were doing your job. You couldn't have known it would lead to this.” He left, closing the door behind him.  
        Kaz knew Ocelot was trying to be comforting, but it only worsened the guilt that tore away at him. Doing his job was what put Snake in a coma, and now doing his job was about to get Emma killed. Every choice he had made seemed to turn out to be the wrong one. Even when thinking about the alternatives, any option seemed better than the path he had chosen. He could have given up the SAS completely to go back to the Knights with Emma, like his heart had told him to do, and perhaps none of this would have happened. All he could do now was try to undo that one mistake he had made two years ago, putting her name on that damn list. He had watched her kill countless XOF soldiers under his lie that they were ZANLA. And now XOF saw Emma… the young and curious Emma from New York, the Emma that had defied her parents to live her dream, the Emma that carried his child and never asked for any of this… XOF saw her as a threat, all because of him.  
        He had come to Rhodesia to stay out of Cipher’s sight. And he had succeeded… mostly. But now they were after the one person he wanted to shield the most. He blamed himself for everything that had happened. He had already been through this dilemma once, after the attack on Mother Base. If he hadn’t been in contact with Cipher, Snake wouldn’t be in a coma. Mother Base would still be growing. He vowed he would never make the same mistake twice, and yet here he was.  
        He looked up at the map once more.  
        “Please, Emma. Hang in there. I got you into this, let me get you out of it.”


	18. Tagutswa

_January 1979. 50 miles east of Gwelo, Rhodesia._

 

        Emma sighed as the hot, dry air blew in through the open windows, tossing her loose strands of hair in front of her face. She had stopped in Umvuma the previous night for gas and a cheap hotel room, and had gotten an early start on the road again in the morning. She still had no idea what was going on or what she needed to do, all she knew was that she was going to head North. She needed to find help, or get out of the country, or both. What ever was going on… It must be some misunderstanding. Sure, she had done plenty of terrible things during her time in Rhodesia, but she was one of the good guys, wasn’t she? The fact that there were people out there, looking for her… What the hell had she done?  
        Suddenly there was a loud pop and the steering began to get mushy on the left side. Emma pulled over to the side of the road and pulled the keys out of the ignition, resting her head on the steering wheel in exasperation as she feared for the worst. The steering wheel was already beginning to get hot as the sun mercilessly beat down on it through the windshield. Emma closed her eyes, wishing that she were anywhere but here. She slowly opened the door and got out. Sure enough, the front left tire was blown out. She popped the trunk and groaned when she saw that the space designated for the spare was empty. She looked in both directions down the road. The mirages warped the horizon, and not a single car was in sight.  
        Panic threatened to take hold of her and she took a few deep breaths in a vain attempt to calm her racing heart. She looked into the backseat, where she had just enough water to last her a day. Maybe a day and a half. Someone would have to come down this road at some point. She sat back in the driver’s seat, looking at the map. It was about a two-hour drive from Gwelo. She could try to make it without doing any irreversible damage to the car, but she would burn twice as much gas with the effort. She stifling heat began to fill the car and she buried her head in her hands, trying not to cry. It wasn’t going to end here. Was it?  
        Suddenly through the drone of the insects came the rumble of an approaching car. Emma looked up to see a cloud of dust drawing closer and her heart filled with hope. She got out of the car and moments later an old beat-up tow truck came into sight. She smiled and waved, and the truck slowed to a stop beside her car. A middle-aged Rhodesian man hung out the window and smiled, the corners of his eyes creasing.  
        “It looks like you could use some help!”  
        Emma laughed, unable to believe her luck. “You have no idea. Are you real? Or is this just some sort of hallucination?”  
        A loud laugh rose from the man’s chest as he pulled the pick up truck around to the back of the car and got out, attaching the cable to the underside of the car. “You’ve got to be careful along this road. The rocks are treacherous. I drive up and down this road all day towing people out. You wouldn’t believe how many people get stuck out here.” He motioned for her to get in the cab and she complied, closing her eyes in sweet relief as the cool air conditioning washed over her. Some old American Motown tunes played through the radio and a string of beads hung from the rear view mirror. The man got in and shifted the truck into gear, turning around and heading back in the direction he had come from. “We’ll take it to my shop in Gwelo, and we’ll have that tire replaced in no time.”  
        Emma was still in disbelief. What were the odds? “So you just drive back and forth between Gwelo and Umvuma all day looking for people to tow?”  
        “That’s right. It’s great for business, and people die on the sides of the roads here all the time, so it’s great for travelers, too.” He chuckled. “You are not from Rhodesia, are you?” Emma shook her head. “Then why are you here? This certainly isn’t the best time and place for tourists, with the war going on.”  
        Emma looked the man over. He seemed trustworthy enough. Then again, who could tell these days? A small photograph of a woman and two children was tucked into the sun visor, and a photo of an older boy next to it. “I, uh… I’m an explorer.”  
        The man laughed and Emma immediately regretted saying the childish statement. Her cheeks burned, but certainly wasn’t going to say that the only reason she had come to Rhodesia was to make money off of the war that ravaged this man’s country. The man wiped his eyes.  
        “I guess this is the first time I’ve ever had to rescue an explorer from the side of the road. My name is Tagutswa. It is a pleasure to meet you.”  
        “I’m Emma. It’s nice to meet you, too. Honestly, I can’t thank you enough.”  
        Tagutswa waved his hand. “It is nothing. I am just doing my job.” He noticed Emma eyeing the shotgun next to him and laughed again. “I’m sure an explorer like you knows how dangerous it is out here. Don’t worry, I only have to use it once or twice a week.”  
        As they drew closer to Gwelo Tagutswa told Emma about his family and his work. He lived with his wife and two daughters in Gwelo, and his son died three years ago fighting in the Rhodesian Army. He ran a small automotive shop with his brother-in-law and a few friends, earning enough to keep their family living a comfortable life. Emma's heart told her he wasn't a threat, but she still kept her guard up.  
        When they arrived in Gwelo they pulled in front of the service garage, where there were already several cars being worked on. Tagutswa got out.  
        “Duduza!” he barked towards the garage. “Kry hier oor en los hierdie band!”  
        A young man quickly came over with a jack, rolling a new tire alongside him, as Tagutswa lowered the car and unhooked it. Emma got out and Tagutswa met her around the side of the truck.  
        “Go inside to wait, if you like. We have air conditioning and my wife has some fresh maheu.”  
        “Thank you so much.” Emma made her way inside of the building. It was a heavenly escape from the heat and a small television buzzed softly in the corner. Another customer was fast asleep on the couch, a magazine draped across his lap. Tagutswa’s two daughters played quietly on the cool floor with their handmade dolls, and they smiled when Emma came in.  
        “Mama,” one of them called toward the door. “There is another customer!”  
        A tall woman entered, carrying a tray of glasses and a pitcher. She smiled brightly.  
        “Welcome! Let me guess, a flat tire coming from Umvuma?” She gestured to an empty couch. “Sit down, please!” Emma sat down and the woman sat next to her, pouring some maheu into a glass and handing it to Emma. “Where do you come from?”  
        “Well, heh heh, it depends. I guess you could say I’m from America.”  
        “America? What are you doing out here?”  
        “She’s an explorer, Anokosha!” Emma looked up to see Tagutswa enter, wiping his hands on a rag and took a sip of his maheu.  
        Anokosha gasped. “You are?”  
        “I came over to fight in the war.”  
        Anokosha took Emma’s hand, eyes wide with disbelief. “You? Like _this_?”  
        “Oh, hahaha!” Emma rested her hand on her stomach. “No, this happened after I came here.”  
        Her words didn’t seem to ease Anokosha’s worry. “But…” Anokosha spoke in a low voice. “Is the father alright with this?”  
        “Probably not,” Emma said, taking another sip of her maheu.  
        “Oh, child.” Anokosha clicked her tongue and shook her head. “I’m sorry.”  
        “Wha-? Oh! It’s fine. Honestly. I’ve been getting along very well on my own.”  
        “Then why are you all the way out here?”  
        “Well, I’m trying to…” Emma cocked her head to the side. “What’s the best way to cross into Zambia from here?”  
        “Zambia? Why do you want to go there?”  
        “I… I need to meet someone there.”  
        Anokosha turned to Tagutswa. “Is the Kariba point still open to civilians?”  
        “It should be.” Tagutswa came and sat down across from them. “Why, are you leaving the country?”  
        Emma sighed. “Yes.”  
        “It is hard for an ordinary person to leave Rhodesia without the proper papers. Do you have everything you need?”  
        Suddenly everything hit Emma like a ton of bricks. She didn’t have anything. Only the dwindling amount of money that she had found in the glove box. No papers, no weapon, no proof of identification… “I… No.”  
        “Hm…” Tagutswa scratched his chin. “Perhaps they still have American officials stationed there. They may be able to help you.” He stood as one of the mechanics yelled something in Afrikaans. “But nonetheless, your car is ready. All filled up, with an oil change and a new tire.” He led Emma out to the car, and she hoped he hadn’t questioned the shot-out rear windshield. Emma gathered all of the money she had left in the glove box, leaving a few coins in case she needed to use a phone. She held it out to him. “I can’t thank you enough for your kindness, Tagutswa, and when I get where I need to be I’ll send you every nickel you deserve. But for now this is all I can offer.”  
        Tagutswa closed his hand around hers, pushing it back towards her. “Keep it,” he said quietly. “I know you are fleeing. I have seen it more times than I can count. Not many people make it, I must tell you now. But I will wish you the best of luck. I hope a better life awaits you.”  
        “I…” Emma was stunned, taken aback by his generosity. She bit her lip. “Thank you.”  
        Tagutswa held the car door open as she got in, closing it behind her. “Head north past Que Que and Gatooma. At Sinoia you will head northeast until you reach Kariba.” Emma started up the car. “And Emma… Good luck.”  
        Emma smiled. “Thank you, Tagutswa. Thanks for everything. I _will_ pay you back, I promise you.” Tagutswa shook his head and laughed, waving as she pulled away.  
        She watched the garage grow smaller in the rear view mirror until it disappeared from sight. Her heart was warmed by their kindness, and for a moment she had forgotten entirely about her own troubles. His directions fresh in her mind, she pulled out a pen and scribbled the route onto her map. She could make it in a day and a half, if nothing else went wrong and she only stopped for gas.  
        No, Kaz was most definitely not alright with this. She hoped to God he wasn’t trying to find her. The last thing she wanted was for him to get mixed up in all of… this. Whatever was going on, it was her problem, not his.  
        Emma switched on the radio, tuning it in to the station that was playing in Tagutswa’s truck. The music sent her back to her childhood, when she and the other schoolgirls would gather around the portable radio on the walk home from school. She smiled at the memory. She had always been partial to Mary Wells' music, though.  
        Emma sat back in her seat, taking comfort in knowing that she could rest a little easier once she crossed the border. If there were American officials at Kariba, she would consider herself even luckier.

        She just had to make it there.


	19. Consequences

_January 1979. Selukwe, Rhodesia._

 

        Kaz stepped out of the jeep, his mind racing as he tried to get a story straight. Ocelot had promised to keep his mouth shut, and Kaz could only hope he would stay true to his word. A small cloud of red dust rose from where had stepped out and he took a deep breath before looking at Ocelot and giving a subtle nod. They started to make their way towards the main building when the door swung open and Akashinga stepped out, followed by Mabasashe. Kaz steeled himself and smiled warmly.  
        “Akashinga! Mabasashe!” They smiled back, but Kaz could already see suspicion arising in Mabasashe’s expression. “I hope you’ve been well,” he said quickly, putting a hand on each of their shoulders. Akashinga returned the gesture.  
        “Very well, Miller. I hope you have been, too.” He nodded in Ocelot’s direction, his eyes narrowing. “Who is this?”  
        “This is a friend,” Kaz said, cringing at the words coming out of his mouth. “Ocelot.”  
        Ocelot stepped forward and held out a hand. “Ek voel geëerd om jou te ontmoet. Ek het baie oor jou dapperheid gehoor.” Kaz rolled his eyes.  
        Akashinga took Ocelot’s hand and gave it a shake. “Your Afrikaans is very good, friend. I hope you will help keep the language alive.”  
        “Alright,” Kaz interrupted. “We didn’t come here for keeping languages alive, I just wanted to know if anyone had heard from Emma recently.”  
        Mabasashe stepped forward and Kaz tried his best to not show the slightest hint of intimidation. “You mean you’ve lost her again? I swear to any god that may be listening-”  
        Kaz pulled Emma’s note from his pocket and handed it to Mabasashe. “She did it on her own accord this time, Maba.”  
        Mabasashe read the note, sighing as he handed it back to Kaz. “We haven’t heard from her,” he said. “Nobody has heard from her since she left. We were hoping you had found her…”  
        “I did. And then she left again. The situation is a little more… dire… this time around.”  
        “What do you mean?”  
        “You remember that elite ZANLA group that had been hitting us pretty hard? Two years ago, back when I was still with you guys…?” He hated feeding them the old lie. He could feel Ocelot’s judgmental stare burning a hole through his skull.  
        Akashinga grit his teeth. “How could we forget? Don’t tell me…” His face fell. “No…”  
        “They’ve been tracking her since she left the Knights. You heard about the attack in Umtali? She was there. Do you have any idea where she would go if she were trying to flee Fort Victoria?”  
        Mabasashe was silent for a moment before he spoke up. “If ZANLA has been tracking her, they would know of all of the places she had been. She’s been everywhere. Perhaps she’s gone to South Africa.”  
        Kaz shook his head. "She has family down there. She wouldn’t want to endanger them.”  
        “She would not go to Mozambique or Botswana. Too unfriendly for those coming from Rhodesia. The only other option is that she went north.”  
        “North? You’re sure?”  
        “As sure as I can afford to be. She might have tried to go North through Salisbury-”  
        “She wouldn’t have gone through Salisbury.”  
        Mabasashe shook his head. “Then she would have gone through Gwelo. It’s about thirty miles northeast from here.”  
        Kaz sighed. It was all they had to go on, they might as well take the chance. “Thanks, Maba.”  
        “Kazuhira, tell me what you need me to do, and I will do it. Tell me how I can help.”  
        Kaz smiled sadly. “You’ve already helped enough. This is something I have to handle. If I need anything, I’ll get in touch.”  
        Mabasashe nodded begrudgingly. “I understand.”  
        Kaz and Ocelot started making their way back to the jeep. Ocelot turned to Kaz. “When are you planning on telling them?”  
        “I can’t,” Kaz said, climbing in and starting the ignition. He pushed down the accelerator a little to fast, causing a cloud of red dust to spring up with the tire-spin. They headed out of the compound, and Kaz waved to the guards on the way out.  
        “You can’t? Or you won’t?” Ocelot shook his head. “You can’t be childish about this-”  
        “I don’t need a lecture, Ocelot,” Kaz growled. “I’ve fucked everything up. Can’t you see I’m trying my best to fix it? Let me fix it the way I see fit.”  
        “If you at least told them their enemies were XOF, not ZANLA-”  
        “They would still hit them with everything they had. Don’t let the size of their unit fool you. They would hit XOF, and hard, without knowing or caring who they are. If the Knights of Rhodesia see something as a threat, they’re going to try to take it down a few pegs. Believe me, I know. And if they hit XOF, whatever small portion of XOF is actually stationed out here, XOF will crush them right back.” Kaz clenched his jaw. “And I’ve already caused enough loss of life. No way I’m going to put them through that. If that happens and XOF gets hold of Emma, they won’t hesitate to kill her.”  
        Ocelot looked out over the savanna as they sped down the dirt road. “Miller… You know this whole situation is a lot bigger than one girl. We’re talking hundreds of lives here, all of them threatened by XOF’s presence. This is a lot bigger than you, me… or her.”  
        Kaz was well aware. These were the very same thoughts that kept him up at night. “Ocelot,” he said. “There has to be someone that you would be willing to drop everything for at a moment’s notice.”  
        “Yeah. _Snake_. The one person _both of us_ should be willing to drop everything for. Listen, Miller.” He sighed. “Frankly, I’m a little disappointed in you. Zero built you up to be quite the hero. Dedicated to Big Boss to the end-”  
        “And I _AM_.”  
        “- but all I see in front of me is a wishy-washy mess. If Snake woke up right now… and I want you to tell me the truth… would you be willing to drop everything to serve with him again?”  
        “Of course. What kind of question-”  
        “You’d be willing to abandon this little manhunt, willing to leave Emma for dead or who knows what else, willing to leave Rhodesia and _never look back_?”  
        Kaz clutched the steering wheel with white knuckles. “Snake would never make me choose,” he said quietly.  
        “Snake is in a _goddamn coma_ , Miller. He’s going to have a lot of decisions made on his behalf when he wakes up, but he’s not going to bitch about it like you’re doing right now.” He shook his head and he sighed. “Look. I don’t know what to say. I want to help Emma, too. But this whole mess you’ve gotten yourself into… Sometimes when a ball of yarn is tangled you have to cut the strings.”  
        “Don’t give me that shit.”  
        “We have bigger things to worry about.”  
        “Oh, it’s ‘we’ now, is it? Because you think I’m going to be Zero’s little pet, too? I’m not making any decisions until I get that call.”  
        “But are you going to be ready even then?”  
        “Are you going to help me or not? Because I can leave you at the side of the road right now if you want.”  
        “I never said I wouldn’t help. I’m just laying out the facts.”  
        It was taking every ounce of strength Kaz had to keep himself from punching Ocelot square in his smug face. All of his points were true. But _jesus christ_ why did he have to say it like that? Kaz felt like a traitor to Snake _and_ a traitor to Emma. Both of them needed him and he kept pushing them further away every time he tried to help. There was nothing wrong about anything Ocelot had said. It was just they way he had said it… But Emma wasn’t just a distraction, not just something to pass the time until Snake woke up.  
        “I know this is hard for you, Miller,” Ocelot said gently. “I’m not trying to make it harder. And I’m most certainly not trying to be your enemy. These are just things you have to think about.”  
        “You make it sound like I haven’t though about any of this.”  
        “ _Have you_ , though?” Ocelot raised an eyebrow. “If you had really, honestly thought about the consequences of your actions beforehand, would you _really_ be in this position now?”  
        No. The answer was no, and always had been. But Kaz remained silent. “You know, my father left my mother before I was born.” Ocelot blinked, caught off-guard. “He left her alone and pregnant in the slums with just a handful of money and an ‘I’m sorry’. I’ll never know whether he left because he had to or just because he could. But it wouldn’t have mattered. He was gone. I would have turned out the same either way… When I met Emma I never would have expected any of this. When I met her I had just been waiting. Waiting for Snake to wake up. She gave me a reason to live in the moment rather than whittle my life away waiting for something that might never happen. Things changed. I tried my best to stay focused. But it’s been _four years_ , Ocelot. My loyalty to Snake will never change. But there are things in my life now that weren’t there in 1975.” He sighed. “My point is, I’m aware of consequences. I just don’t let them dictate how I’m going to live my life. I’m never going to give up on Snake. But I’m never going to give up on Emma, either. If that bothers you then you can go back to your little private army. You obviously don’t need my help.”  
        Ocelot was silent. Kaz couldn’t tell whether he was thinking about what he had just said or whether he was trying to hold his tongue from saying something he would regret. Maybe both. But he remained silent the rest of the way.  
        Kaz could no longer tell right from wrong. Every time he had done something he thought was the right thing to do, it turned out to be the worst possible thing to do. He wasn’t about to give up, though. Snake needed him, but right now Emma needed him more. He would answer Snake’s call when the time came.  
        And he _would_ be ready.


	20. Hot Jungle Nights

 

 

_December 1977. Selukwe, Rhodesia._

 

 _“Ahhhhhh-mmph!”_ Emma’s cry was muffled as Kaz brought his surprisingly soft, un-calloused hand over her mouth. He brought a finger to his lips, chuckling.  
        “Shh.” He kept his hand over her mouth as he slipped his other hand back into her pants, brushing his fingers lightly over her clit through her underwear, which was growing wetter by the second. Emma's hips rose to his touch almost on their own accord, and her head lolled to the side as his finger moved in agonizingly slow circles.  
        _“MMMMmmmmmmph!”_  
        There was a sudden bang on the wall behind Emma’s head and they both jumped.  
        “SHUT UP! SHUT UP SHUT UP _SHUT UP!”_ Mabasashe yelled, his voice muffled only slightly by the thin wall between them.  
        Kaz sighed and retracted his hand. “This isn’t going to work.” Emma looked up at him pleadingly as he took his hand from her mouth.  
        “Who cares if they hear?”  
        Kaz raised an eyebrow. “ _I do_ , for one. Besides,” he nuzzled his nose into her cheek so his lips brushed her ear, and his voice dropped to a whisper. “If I could fuck you the way I want to right now, nobody in this compound would be be able to sleep tonight.” Emma’s heart fluttered and she clutched the sleeve of his fatigues.  
        “So fuck me, dammit,” she said, matching his whisper.  
        The corners of his mouth turned upwards in a sly smile and he lifted himself off of her, sliding off the bed and pulling on his boots. Emma sat up, confused.  
        “Wait, where are you going?”  
        He finished lacing up his boots and stood, taking his pistol from the table and holstering it. He nodded towards the door. “C’mon.”  
        “What? Kaz, where-” Emma quickly pulled on her own boots and zipped up her pants, following him out into the humid night air. The night was silent except for the constant drone of the insects and the softly-playing radio in the guard station. Kaz led her through the compound and through the main gate, giving the guard a wave as he passed.  
        “Kaz, where the hell are we going?”  
        He said nothing and instead took her hand, pulling her along behind him as he trudged through the thick leaves. The lights from the compound slowly faded as Emma and Kaz made their way further and further away from it, until the only light illuminating the forest around them came from the moon. Kaz kept moving forward, holding on tightly to Emma’s hand as she clumsily ducked under the large leaves, struggling to keep up with him. He pulled her along behind him for what seemed like an eternity. Emma began to get annoyed.  
        “Kaz- oof!” He had stopped dead in his tracks, leaving her to run head first into his back. He gestured upwards to the tree in front of them.  
        “Ta-daa!” A wooden platform hung over their heads between two trees, roughly thirty feet from the ground. A small ladder led all the way to the top. A few rungs were missing.  
        Emma squinted. “Is that a fucking tree stand? There’s no way in hell I’m going up that ladder.”  
        “Sure you are.” He gave her rear a smack and pushed her towards it. She reluctantly set a foot on the bottom rung, which creaked under her weight. She grimaced and brought her other foot up to the next rung. An even louder creak emitted from it, but she continued upwards, Kaz right behind her. After an agonizing few minutes, she finally made it to the top. She sat back on the warped wooden boards as Kaz came up behind her, a grin plastered on his face.  
        “Is this far enough away for you?” She said, catching her breath.  
        “Let’s hope so,” he said. He pushed her back on the boards, knocking the breath from her lungs.  
        "Uff-”  
        He silenced her with a rough kiss, latching onto her lower lip and tugging on it. Emma reached for his shirt and started to unbutton it, but instead he took her hand and pinned it behind her head, his other hand unzipping her pants once more and plunging into her underwear, his warm fingers sliding between her labia and slipping almost effortlessly into her, still wet from earlier. Emma gasped, caught off-guard by his urgency. She moaned as he slid his fingers in and out, slowly at first, and then with increasing speed as he felt her tighten around them. His thumb began to tease her clit and he smiled as he watched her writhe under his touch.  
        _“Aaaaahhhhh!”_ Her cry filled the still night air as he pushed deeper into her. Her hips bucked and he withdrew his fingers quickly, taking hold of her leg and bringing it up to his side. His mouth closed around hers once more as he pressed his hips into hers, slowly moving back and forth. The friction was too much to bear. She could feel the bulge where his erection yearned to be freed from the layers of fabric that sat between it and Emma’s aching cunt. Kaz’s hungry kisses moved down her neck as he continued grinding into her with increasing intensity. Emma slid her free hand into his trousers, feeling his hardened cock and wanting nothing more than to feel it inside her. A groan escaped his lips at her touch and he paused momentarily while he took her hand and pinned it back with her other one before he continued to tantalizingly grind into her groin. She moved her hips with his, pressing into him as hard as she could, her cunt burning with desire.  
        His hand slipped into her pants once more and she cried out as he stretched her out with one more finger than last time. Her lust and impatience finally consumed her and she broke free of his grip, pulling him closer by his lapel.  
        “Just fuck me already. _Please_.”  
        He stopped, his fingers deep inside her. Her muscles throbbed around them. “But-”  
        “I don’t care if it hurts. I want you to fuck me so hard I can’t walk.”  
        The moonlight glinted off of his teeth as he smiled, and in one quick movement he tugged her pants down past her knees. The only thing between her and the open night air was her soaking wet underwear.  
        Kaz sat back on his heels, undoing his belt and starting to unzip his trousers. Suddenly he froze.  
        “Kaz, why did you st-”  
        “Sh.”  
        Emma sighed. “What, don’t tell me you’re afraid someone’s going to hear us all the way out here-”  
        _“Sshh.”_  
        She couldn’t see the expression on his face through the darkness, but she sensed his urgency. He refastened his trousers and turned, taking off his glasses and scanning the forest. Emma pulled her own pants back up and fastened them, joining him as he crouched on the edge of the platform. She held her breath as he peered into the dark depths of the trees.  
        Suddenly an orange flame blossomed in the distance, back in the direction of the Knights’ compound. There was an earth-shaking reverberation and the sounds of distant gunfire sprung to life.  
        _“NO!”_ Emma sprung up and started down the ladder, no longer thinking about the creaky rungs or the distance from the ground. Kaz came came down after her and caught her sleeve before she could run back towards the compound.  
        “Wait!” He took his pistol from his holster and handed it to her. “Take this and run. Don’t stop until you get there.”  
        “What about you?” Her voice was shaking. She had no idea what was going on. She could tell Kaz didn't either, which was what frightened her the most.  
        “I’ll be right behind you. Now go!”  
        She turned and ran, the muzzle flashes and the sound of the gunfire drawing closer. She felt like she had never run so fast in her life. She hoped to God that she wouldn’t be too late. Suddenly gunfire sprung up from the bushes behind her. There was a yell and she turned to see Kaz taking the soldier’s rifle and putting a bullet through the owner’s head.  
        “Keep going!” He said, reloading it.  
        Emma kept running, her heart falling and tears streaming down her cheeks as she saw the flames rising in the distance. She ran until she thought she couldn’t run anymore. She spotted several soldiers forming a flank around the back gate of the compound and ducked behind a nearby tree. Kaz did the same, and they took a moment to catch their breath. He looked around the side of the tree and held up four fingers. She could see the fear in his eyes, but he was trying his best to hide it. She nodded and wiped the tears from her cheeks. They came out from behind their cover at the same time, swiftly killing the soldiers and continuing towards the base. Emma felt her stomach drop when the compound came into sight.  
        “ _Oh my god._ ” She ran, passing the burning buildings and the bodies of Knights she had spoken with only hours ago. “Mabasashe!” she called, her voice breaking. “Akashinga!” She caught sight of a group of Knights taking cover and returning fire into the trees. She ran towards them. “Mabasashe! Akashinga!” she repeated, and they turned their heads.  
        “Emma!” Akashinga tossed her a rifle. “We thought you had been killed. Where is Kazuhira?”  
        “I… He’s-” She turned around. “Kaz? _KAZ!?”_ Akashinga pulled her behind the wall.  
        “He will turn up. Mabasashe is taking a unit around the North side to flank them and clear them out. There aren’t too many of them left.” He looked around at the carnage and the rubble. “Our backs were turned…”  
        Emma took Akashinga by the shoulder. “I’m going after Kaz. Can you hold down the fort here?” He nodded, reloading his rifle. “Go, and be careful.”  
        Emma headed towards the tree line. Suddenly there a loud volley of coordinated gunfire, and then a yell. The gunfire stopped just as suddenly as it had started. There was more yelling, and from the trees emerged the remaining enemy soldiers, their hands in the air. They were followed by Mabasashe and his unit. The Knights from the compound swarmed around them, yelling. Emma fired three rounds into the air and made her way over to them. Mabasashe spotted her.  
        “Emma! We were worried you didn’t make it.” He jabbed the barrel of his gun into the back of the soldier in front of him. “Five prisoners. What should we do with them?”  
        Emma looked the soldiers over. Their uniforms weren’t recognizable, and they wore no patches on their shoulders. “I think-”  
        _“Kill them.”_ Emma turned to see Kaz covered in blood, dragging the body of a soldier behind him. “And burn the bodies.”  
        “Kaz! What the hell-” She turned back to Mabasashe, nodding towards the compound. “Take them back. They’ll be interrogated.” Mabasashe nodded and led them towards the compound. The other Knights followed. Emma turned back to Kaz. “Where the hell were you?”  
        Kaz sheathed the knife he held. “Doing your interrogations for you.” He dropped the body at her feet. “They’re ZANLA, an elite branch. They were sent here with the intention of wiping you off the map.”  
        _“What?_ I wouldn’t have thought they had the military prowess to form an elite group. Sure, they have the numbers, but-”  
        “There’s a lot more to them than you know… than any of us know.” He looked out over the burning buildings, sadness filling his eyes. “This place isn’t safe of any of us anymore. You’ll need to set up another base of operations elsewhere. They could have another wave of soldiers on us as we speak. If we don’t get out of here-”  
        “I know…” Emma felt sick to her stomach. They had hit so suddenly. No one even knew they existed, for christ’s sake. Somehow they managed to pinpoint their exact location. All of these lives lost, and in their sleep, nonetheless. They didn’t even have a chance to fight back. Rage filled her and she stormed down to the compound, drawing her knife.  
        “Emma! Wait-” Kaz called after her, but it was no use. Emma caught up to the prisoners and took one by the harness, slamming him to the ground and bringing the knife to his throat.  
        “Who are you?” She said between gritted teeth. She pressed the blade into his throat and a bead of blood formed around it.  
        Kaz caught up with her. “They won’t talk, Em.”  
        Emma ignored him. “Who are you working for? You tell me, and maybe, just maybe, I won’t use this knife to peel of all of the flesh from your bones.” The soldier struggled against her grip but only succeeded in drawing more blood. Emma cocked her head to the side and brought the blade to his eye. “Or maybe I can take your eyes first.” She could see the conflict in his eyes. “You have one last chance-”  
        “Emma, I told you, they won’t-”  
        Emma spun and pointed her knife at Kaz. “Last I checked, Kaz, you were _not_ the one in charge. _Back off.”_ She could feel the hot tears spilling down her cheeks and Kaz backed away, clenching his jaw. She brought the blade back to the soldier’s throat. He squeezed his eyes shut. “You killed my friends. You killed them in their sleep. I can’t think of a more cowardly thing to do.” She quickly slit the blade across his throat and watched his eyes bulge as he gasped for air, his warm blood spurting on Emma’s shirt and face. She looked deep into his eyes, watching until the life left them and he lay motionless. She slowly stood, ignoring Kaz’s horrified expression and turning to Mabasashe. “Kill the rest,” she said quietly.  
        She began to walk towards the center of the compound, past the bodies of her friends. Her family. She couldn’t tell whether her face was soaked with blood or tears. She did’t care either way. Four shots rang out behind her and she heard the bodies drop to the dirt. The Knights had won this time around, but at what cost? Over half of her men were dead. She stopped and looked down at the body that lay at her feet, a Knight whose only wish was to fight for the wife and daughter that had been hung from the rafters in his barn. She closed her eyes.  
        “And burn the bodies,” she whispered.

 

 

 


	21. Almost

 

 

_January 1979. Kariba, Rhodesia._

 

 

        Emma pulled into the gravel parking lot of the Kariba Border Post, the gas gauge hovering at empty after hours of driving. She took the key from the ignition and pocketed it, stepping out of the car and into the scorching heat. Border patrol guards eyed her as they made their rounds. She pretended not to notice and headed towards the building. She opened the door and cool air conditioning washed over her. There were already a good number of people sitting in the lobby, surrounded by bags and suitcases. She wasn’t the only one trying to leave. She made her way over to the counter, smiling at the man behind it.  
        “Excuse me, I’m trying to get across to Zambia. I was, eh… robbed at gunpoint, and I lost all of my papers. I can give you some telephone numbers of people who would be willing to vouch for me.” She could see the man beginning to shake his head. “I’m an American,” she said quickly. “Please, I have someone in Zambia who can help me get home.”  
        The man sighed and took a pen and paper, looking up at her from behind his glasses. “What is your name?” he said in a thick Rhodesian accent.  
        “Emmaline Ross,” she said quietly. The man wrote her name down and nodded, gesturing to the seats where the others were waiting.  
        “I can make a call to the US Embassy. I’m afraid that is all I can do to help. Please take a seat while you wait.”  
        “Thank you.” Emma breathed a sigh of relief and took a seat by the window, looking out over the mirage that blanketed the savanna.  
        “So you’re American, too?”  
        The older man who sat beside her smiled comfortingly. He looked to be in his mid forties or so. His hair was dark but there were hints of grey at his temples. “Sorry, I couldn’t help but eavesdrop once I heard your accent. I must say, it’s refreshing to meet another Yank out here.” He held out his hand. “I’m Greg.”  
        Emma took it and smiled. “Emma.”  
        “I’m just going to warn you now, it’s going to be a hell of an ordeal getting back stateside from here.”  
        “Oh, I’m not trying to go back.”  
        “You’re not? You want to stay in this hell hole?” He shook his head. “You couldn’t pay me enough to stay here.”  
        “Then why did you come in the first place?”  
        Greg was silent for a moment. He pursed his lips. “My brother owned some property out here. His wife and son had been living out here for the past twenty years with him. When this war broke out, he asked me to come over and help him defend his land.” He leaned back in his chair. “So I did.” He stopped, his eyes glazing over as he looked out the window.  
        Emma could see where this was going. She had the story too many times to count. “I’m sorry…”  
        He quickly wiped his eyes. “They were slaughtered before I could even get there.” He forced a smile. “I was already out here, so I thought I would just do my part… become a mercenary or something, you know? I fought in Vietnam. I thought it would be a piece of cake compared to that.” He shook his head. “I just want to go home.”  
        “I… I’m sorry,” Emma repeated, for lack of better words to say. She had seen her fair share of Vietnam veterans out here. Those _Soldier of Fortune_ magazines back in the States really glorified the whole thing, drawing Americans into the conflict with promises of a life of adventure. She knew that better than anyone.  
        She often couldn’t help but wonder what her life would have been like if she hadn’t left. Her parents probably would have coerced her into working for her father’s law firm, following in those footsteps she was trying so hard to avoid. Maybe she would have been married by now. Certainly not by her own will, but by request of her mother, who had already been eyeing potential candidates for quite a while by the time Emma had left.  
        Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to go back. Sure, there would be a lengthy period of time where her mother would refuse to look, let alone _speak_ , to her, and she would never be able to shake her father’s disappointment. But no matter how ashamed they would be, they would always care for her, and she would be safe. She could raise the baby in a quiet neighborhood and a lavish lifestyle, and they would never have to know anything of the life Emma was living now.  
        But she didn’t want that.  
        Emma sat and listened as Greg told her of his life back in the US and his war stories from Vietnam. His stories drew her in and hours passed like minutes as she was thrust into his world of wet jungles and humid heat. The stories reminded her of her father’s. He had fought in the second World War and on the rare occasion when he did share his experiences, they were told just as vividly. The sound of a helicopter landing outside broke her from her trance and she looked out the window to see three men emerge and head towards the building. They were dressed in fatigues, but not Rhodesia’s. When they came inside they went directly to the man at the desk. She couldn’t quite make out what they were saying, but the man behind the counter pointed over at Emma and the one of the men in fatigues made his way over to her.  
        “Emma?” He held out his hand. “I’m from the CIA. We’re going to take you back to the US Embassy and get all of your paperwork sorted out, if that’s alright with you.”  
        Emma shook his hand and stood. “I… okay. Um..”  
        He led her out the door, the other two men following closely behind. He shouted over the sound of the helicopter. “From what I understand, you’ve been a missing person since 1976. Don’t worry; we’re going to get you home.”  
        “Yes, about that, I’m not going home. I’m trying to get to Zambia. There’s someone there that can help me-”  
        “We’ll get it all sorted out at the Embassy.” They reached the helicopter and he gestured to it. “After you.”  
        Emma’s feet refused to move. She looked up at the co-pilot, who was reaching out to help her into the helicopter. His eyes were hidden by his reflective helmet visor. Something just didn’t seem right. She started to back away. “You know what, on second thought-”  
        The two men behind her gripped her arms firmly and pushed her forwards. She dug her heels into the ground and fought against their grip, but it was no use. Her heart began to beat faster and she began to panic. “Listen, I didn’t do anything wrong. I swear. Please, just let me go-”  
        A cloth was placed over her nose and mouth and she felt the burning chloroform fill her lungs. She fought against the men behind her with every ounce of her strength but she could already feel her legs beginning to give out beneath her. Her vision began to blur and suddenly the world around her was spinning at a thousand miles an hour. _"Help..."_ she called out weakly, muffled by the cloth. She felt her strength leave her body, and her eyes rolled back in her head as everything went black.


	22. I Owe You

_January 1979. Gwelo, Rhodesia._

 

        Kaz crossed his arms moodily as Ocelot pulled the jeep into what seemed like the hundredth gas station they had visited that day. He couldn’t help but get they feeling that they were looking in all the wrong places. She could be anywhere by now. All they were doing was wasting time.  
        Ocelot gave a wave to the owner and stepped out. “You coming?” He said, raising an eyebrow as Kaz stayed put.  
        Kaz pursed his lips and huffed. “Let me know if you hear anything interesting.”  
        Ocelot rolled his eyes and made his way over to the building, meeting the owner halfway. Kaz watched them talk for a few minutes before Ocelot turned in his direction and gave a thumbs up. Kaz’s heart skipped a beat and he clambered out of the jeep, making his way over to them.  
        Ocelot gestured to Kaz. “Can you tell my friend here what you just told me?”  
        The man finished wiping his hands on his rag and threw it over his shoulder. “Certainly. She came through yesterday. Her car got a flat on the way from Umvuma. I towed her back here and fixed it for her.” Kaz could hardly believe what he was hearing. She was still alive, and in Rhodesia, as of yesterday at least. The man eyed Kaz’s uniform. “Did she do something wrong? Is she wanted by the SAS?”  
        “No, no. We’re afraid she might be in trouble.” Kaz held his hand out to the man, who took it, giving it a firm shake. “I’m Kaz. Listen, is there anything else you can tell me about her? Where she might have gone? Anything will help.”  
        The man gestured towards the building. “Why don’t you come inside? I will be happy to tell you as much as I can. I am Tagutswa.”  
        Kaz looked to Ocelot and knew he was thinking the same thing. This could be it.  
        They followed Tagutswa into the building, the cool shade providing sweet relief from the dry heat. The television droned on silently on the counter.  
        Tagutswa took a seat and both Kaz and Ocelot followed suit. “A very kind young woman,” he said, smiling. “If I hadn’t found her on the side of the road when I did she would have been killed by the communist militants. Rhodesia is a very dangerous place nowadays.”  
        Ocelot spoke up. “Did she mention anything about where she was headed?”  
        “I believe she was trying to go north, to Kariba. She wanted to cross into Zambia.”  
        Ocelot looked to Kaz questioningly. “Zambia?” Kaz was just as stumped. Why the hell would she be trying to go to Zambia? Unless she was just trying to get as far away from Rhodesia as possible… His heart sank. She would never be able to escape Cipher’s reach. They were everywhere. Ocelot looked back at Tagutswa. “She didn’t say anything about why she wanted to go to Zambia?”  
        Tagutswa shook his head. “She said she had to meet someone there, but I know the look of someone who is running. I have seen it in too many faces, especially in these recent years. Tell me she is not in great danger.”  
        “She’s fine,” Ocelot lied. He turned back to Kaz. “Listen, let me call in a chopper. I have one based in Bulawayo and I can have it here in ten minutes. We can get to Kariba faster, maybe even before she can cross the border.”  
        “I told you, we don’t need to get your PF involved-”  
        “If she knows as much as you say she does, it’s not just for her sake. She’s a liability. If they get their hands on her and she says anything about you, all of us are going down with you. Do you understand?” Kaz could hear the anger rising in Ocelot’s voice. It was true. He had told her too much. About Snake, about the MSF, about everything. It was his own fault. But he didn’t have time to beat himself up over it now.  
        “Fine,” he snarled. Ocelot rose, pulling the radio from his belt and walking outside to make the call. Kaz turned back to Tagutswa. “When you last saw her… was she alright? I mean, she wasn’t hurt?”  
        “She was fine as far as I could tell. Her back windshield was full of bullet holes, though. Then again I don’t really question that kind of thing because it happens more than you would think.”  
        “And did she say anything about… anyone who might be following her?”  
        Tagutswa shook his head. “No, I’m afraid not.”  
        Kaz sighed. “What else did she say?”  
        “Not very much. She had nothing with her. No papers, barely any money.” He laughed as he recounted the memory. “She tried to pay for my service with the last few dimes she had. I couldn’t accept it. I saw the fear in her eyes… She just wanted to get out of this terrible place.”  
        Kaz felt his heart wrenching in his chest. He had caused all of this. Everything she was going through was his fault and he couldn’t bear the thought of her suffering for him anymore.  
        Ocelot ducked back inside, clipping the radio back onto his belt. “Chopper’ll be here in ten.” He nodded towards Tagutswa. “Thanks for your help,” he said, disappearing back outside once more.  
        Kaz and Tagutswa both rose and Kaz took the wallet from his pocket, handing a few large bills to Tagutswa. “I hope this covers everything. Listen,” he sighed. “Thank you for helping her and showing her kindness. God only knows she needs it now more than ever.” Tagutswa shook his head any pushed the money back towards Kaz. “I insist,” Kaz said, placing it in his hand.  
        Tagutswa looked at the money in his hand, tears springing to his eyes. “This is too much-”  
        “She would have been dead if it weren’t for you. This is the least I can do.” He placed a hand on Tagutswa’s shoulder and smiled, the first genuine smile that had graced his face in a long time. “Thank you,” he repeated. He glanced over Tagutswa’s shoulder at the television, the bright flames gracing the screen catching his attention.  
        _“-in recent news, there was an attack on the Kariba Border Post between Rhodesia and Zambia earlier today, leaving twenty three dead and ten injured. One witness says the attackers identified themselves as CIA operatives, but the CIA has since released a statement denying any involvement. This is only the most recent in a string of attacks-”_  
        Kaz’s heart stopped. “Oh my god.” He neared the television, watching closely. “Ocelot!” He barked.  
        Ocelot must have sensed the urgency in his call and was by his side in a matter of seconds, watching with a furrowed brow as the camera panned across the flaming wreckage of the Kariba Border Post.  
        “We need to get up there. _Now,”_  Ocelot said, and almost in response came the sound of whirring rotor blades as a helicopter neared. He sprinted outside. Kaz was unable to turn away from what he was seeing. He looked at the bodies that were scattered across the ground, hoping that he wouldn’t see Emma’s.  
        “Miller!” Ocelot called from outside.  
        Kaz blinked and headed outside to find the helicopter just touching down. Ocelot climbed in and Kaz followed close behind. As the helicopter lifted off, Tagutswa emerged from the building and gave a wave.  
        “Good luck!” he shouted, shielding his eyes from the dust that the rotors were kicking up. “May you find her in good health!”  
        Kaz returned the wave. Just when he thought everything would turn out alright… The image of the carnage was burned into his eyes and he could only hope she wasn’t a part of it. If something had happened to her…  
        _No._  
        Emma could still be alive. She was smart, and she was resourceful. She could have gotten away. Kaz looked to Ocelot, who was looking out over the grassland that flew past below them. His expression was unreadable, but Kaz knew he was probably fearing for the worst, too.  
        Somewhere deep inside he knew she was still alive. She had to be… Or maybe it was just denial. He had seen her pull through much worse. They had been through so much together already. There was no way that the Kariba Border Post would be her final resting place.  
        He grit his teeth. If he ever found out who was responsible, he wouldn’t hold back. He would make it his goal to find them and kill them with his own bare hands. He would fix the mess he had made. Emma _would_ be alive, and he would never let her out of his sight again.  
        He could only hope.


	23. Running Out of Reasons to Live

 

 

_January 1979. Rhodesia, unknown location._

 

        Frigid water splashed across Emma’s face and she awoke gasping for air, the water filling her lungs. She coughed weakly, her lungs still burning from the chloroform. She slowly opened her eyes, trying to let them adjust to the harsh light that beat down on her. She was laying on a cool cement floor, her hands cuffed tightly behind her back. A tall figure stood before her, holding a bucket. Emma’s face was only inches from his shoes, a pair of recently-polished combat boots. Barely a scuff on them. She mustered her strength and lifted her head to look up at him, squinting against the bright light.  
        “Who…?”  
        The man crouched down, his face still hidden in a shadow. “You’ve caused us a lot of trouble, haven't you?” He was a Rhodesian. Emma’s memory came back to her all at once.  
        “Listen,” she pleaded, “I’ve never done anything to wrong the government. I came here legally, on my own free will, and-” she stopped when he began to laugh. Not a menacing laugh, but a genuinely amused laugh that filled his chest and caused him to have to take a moment to catch his breath. Emma was confused. “I will _swear_ on a bible in a court of law… You have the wrong person-”  
        He laughed even harder, unnerving Emma. He took a folder from under his arm and opened it, regaining his composure as he read from it. “Emmaline Ross, born September 26th 1957 in New York. Traveled to Africa in January of 1976 to fight in Rhodesia.” He flipped the paper around so she could see it. “Sound familiar?” Emma squinted, and sure enough, that was her name in bold black letters. She remained silent. The man stood, placing the folder back under his arm and looking down at her. “Anything you want to tell me before we get started?”  
        “What? What the hell are you talking about? I’ve done nothing wrong!”  
        The door opened and light flooded the dark room. Another two men entered and stood by the door, disappearing into the shadows as the door shut once more. The man crossed his arms.  
        “Drop the act. You’ve been in constant direct contact with Kazuhira Miller. Deputy Commander of the former MSF, and apparently, pretty good pals with our old friend Big Boss. Your little mercenary group you’ve got there has made quite a dent in our numbers… We just want to know what he’s up to, that’s all. You tell us, we let you go. Really not that hard.” Emma’s stomach churned. This wasn’t about her. This was about Kaz.  
        “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”  
        The man exhaled sharply through his nose in frustration. “He’d been laying low for quite a while. Even we had lost track of him. After the MSF’s base went down he stopped reporting to Cipher. He went completely dark.” Emma couldn’t wrap her head around any of this. Cipher? None of this was making any sense. “He managed to shake us by coming to Africa. But eventually he slipped up.” The man opened the folder and read from the file. “ _‘The self-proclaimed Knights of Rhodesia, operating out of Selukwe, Rhodesia, have established themselves as a mercenary outfit fighting on behalf of the Rhodesian government. However, their direct dismissal of the Geneva Conventions and their committal of various war crimes has led me to label them as unpredictable and a threat to the stability of the Rhodesian government. They will be monitored until further notice, effective June 1st, 1977. Commander: Akashinga Chikura, age 39, Rhodesian male. Sub-commander: Emma Ross, age 20, American female. Mabasashe Kaboko, age 29, Rhodesian Male’…_ ” Emma listened in disbelief as the man spouted off the names of her old comrades, down to their exact age and nationality. No one had access to any of this information. No one, except… “ _Major Miller, C Squadron, Rhodesian SAS._ ” The man tapped the file with his index finger. “Three days later his report was sent to every major government bureau. But why?” Emma’s heart sank and she felt tears spring to her eyes. This couldn’t be real. There was no way in hell Kaz would have done this voluntarily. “He didn’t really sell you out, did he? He’s always had a flair for the dramatic. So why would he pull a stunt like that, knowing full well that he would blow his own cover?”  
        Emma tried to conceal her pain and confusion as she stared into the shadow of the man’s face. “I have no idea who he is. You have the wrong person.” She rested her head back on the concrete floor once more, closing her eyes. “Please... Just let me go.” The lies burned inside of her. Emma didn’t know any more than they did, but as long as they thought she had information, they would keep her alive. She would keep spinning his lie. The lie that he had hidden from her for the past two years. If she ever got out of this, she would never want to see his face again. She wouldn’t want to hear his half-assed explanation or his pleas for forgiveness.  
        The man sighed. “I was afraid you’d say that.” He drew a knife from his harness and squatted next to her once more, using the blade to brush a strand of hair out of her face. The razor-sharp tip grazed her cheek, drawing a small bead of blood. “I don’t enjoy going out of my way to hurt a woman in your… condition, but this wouldn’t be the first time,” he said quietly. “Let’s not make this any harder than it has to be.” He stood and nodded to the men behind him, who came over and forcibly pulled Emma to her feet, uncuffing her and holding her tightly between them as the man rolled up his sleeves. “We know he's planning something. All I want is what, when and where.”  
        Emma shook her head and closed her eyes. Suddenly his fist connected with the bridge of her nose and there was a blinding flash as her brain registered the shock. Blood gushed from her nose but she bit her lip as hard as she could to distract her from the dizzying pain. He hit her again, and again, and again. The metallic taste of blood filled Emma’s mouth and she spat, her bloody spit flecking the man’s face. He stopped and backed away slightly, slowly wiping his arm across his face.  
        “You bitch.” He lunged back at her, pulling her head back by her hair and landing a punch squarely in her throat. Her knees buckled as she gasped for breath, but the two men holding her held her tightly, keeping her from dropping to the floor. The man took her by the hair once more, his face mere inches from hers. “Miller’s building another army, isn’t he? I want to know where.” He brought her knee into her chest and she heard a crack as a rib broke. The breath was knocked from her lungs and she struggled to regain it, doubling over. Tears sprung to her eyes as he hit her squarely in the jaw once more. Her face was wet with blood and she could see the flickering fluorescent light reflecting off of the man’s smile as he watched the first tear break free and slide down her cheek. “Had enough yet?”  
        “Barely,” Emma choked. The man was silent for a moment before he drew his knife once more. He ripped the neck of Emma’s shirt down to her shoulder, revealing the bandage that covered her still-healing wound. In one quick cut he removed the bandage and used the tip of the knife to cut each of the stitches slowly and meticulously. Emma tried not to give him the satisfaction of seeing her pain, but her cry seemed to escape her lips on its own accord as he reopened the wound.  
        “I want times, I want places, I want names.”  
        Emma didn’t say a word. She couldn’t. Her brain couldn’t form a cohesive sentence. He began to push his thumb into the gash at an agonizingly slow pace and once more a hoarse and guttural scream rose from Emma’s throat. With every ounce of pressure he applied Emma wished more and more she were dead. She squeezed her eyes shut as he pushed his thumb further and further into the wound.  
        _“AAAAAAAHHHHHH!”_ He withdrew his finger and hot bright red blood trickled from the hole in her shoulder. The man closed a large hand around her throat and squeezed. Emma struggled for air and tried to wriggle out of the men’s grasp, but the chokehold only grew tighter. She could feel her vision fading as the man leaned in closer to her face.  
        “You tell me what I want, and I wont have to cut you open and kill your baby in front of you. As much as I might enjoy doing that.”  
        A burning anger overcame Emma and suddenly she found the strength to break free from the men’s grasp, lunging at the man before her and catching him off guard with a punch to his nose. She took advantage of his shock and grabbed the knife out of his hand, pushing him backwards and pinning him to the floor. Adrenaline was pumping through her veins, distracting her from her pain as she pushed the blade against his throat.  
        “In your fucking dreams, you bastard,” she growled. It only took a fraction of a second before the two men took hold of her once more, pulling Emma off of the man. She didn’t care. Her point had been made. The man rose slowly, wiping the blood from his nose. The smile had disappeared from his face completely and he nodded to the two men holding her.  
        “Cuff her and leave her. She can think about whether or not she wants to comply.” The men slapped the handcuffs back around her wrists and let her drop to the floor as they followed the man to the door. He turned back around before leaving, a sneer gracing his bloody lip. “We’ll be back for more fun later.”  
        Emma waited for the door to close behind them before releasing the quiet sobs that she had been holding in the whole time. She could barely move now that the adrenaline was slowly being filtered out of her system. The pain was too much to bear. She curled into fetal position, tears streaming down her cheeks as she wept as silently as she could.  
        The cut in her shoulder was agonizing, and whenever she moved her ribs protested by shooting pain up her spine. Her nose was still bleeding and her jaw ached like nothing she had ever felt. But the worst pain came from the words she had heard. That Kaz… the one person she had trusted, even _loved_ … would do something so unspeakable. That he would sell out his friends… For what? Emma wanted to know why. She wanted to know why, even more than her interrogator.  
        Despite all the burning hatred she felt for what he did, she knew there was more to it than just betrayal. She almost wished there wasn’t. It would be so much easier to hate him blindly. But she knew there was a reason.  
        And so she still held on tightly to a sliver of hope. It was all she had left to live for.

 


	24. Coming Clean

_January 1979. Kariba, Rhodesia._

 

        The wreckage of the outpost was buzzing with reporters, army personnel, officials and curious spectators. The flames had only recently been put out but thick black smoke still rose into the air, stirred up by the blades of the circling news and military helicopters. Most of the bodies had been removed but the blood still stained the red earth that they had been slaughtered upon. Kaz felt his stomach churn as he stepped out of the jeep and made his way over to a group of officials. Ocelot followed closely behind.  
        “Just follow my lead. And don’t say anything,” Kaz murmured. Several of the officials turned as he approached. Kaz forced a smile. “Major Miller of the SAS. Listen,” he pulled a small photograph of Emma from his breast pocket. “One of our operatives, Emma Ross, was here at the time of the attack. Has she been accounted for at all?”  
        One of the officials shook his head tiredly. “We’ve barely begun to identify the bodies, let alone notify families. You can talk to Lieutenant Wilbur over there. He’s been questioning the witnesses. I suppose he also has the most accurate body count.” The man motioned in the direction of a large canvas tent. “This whole thing is a mess. We’re getting mixed signals about CIA involvement, some people say it’s ZANLA…” He rubbed his eyes. “Good luck anyways.”  
        “Thanks.” Kaz gave a nod and headed over to the tent, walking past stretchers upon stretchers of bodies. He felt his gut wrench as he suddenly realized the gravity of the situation. The CIA - or rather, Cipher - _had_ to have had something to do with this. All these people gunned down in cold blood… There was no way this was just any other attack.  
        He ducked into the tent to see at least a dozen body bags carefully lined up along the ground. A young man was poring over a clipboard and a small group of people in shock blankets sat in the corner of the tent, being tended to by a medic. The man looked up when Kaz came in. “Lieutenant Wilbur?” Kaz held out his hand. “Major Miller. I’m looking for one of our operatives. She was last seen here.”  
        Wilbur shook Kaz’s hand. “Good the see the SAS responding so quickly.” He sighed. “Can’t say I know the answer for sure. Although I’m sure the only news you’re looking for is that she’s alive.” He motioned over to the small group of people in the corner of the tent. “There are your survivors.” He turned back to Kaz and shook his head sadly. “Listen, I’m sorry-”  
        Kaz bit his lip and slowly made his way over to the small group of people. He felt tears stinging his eyes and willed them not to fall.  
        “Emma?” he called weakly. A few of the survivors turned their heads but none of them were her. He turned to look at the rows of body bags and then back at Ocelot, who looked away and closed his eyes. He glanced down at the picture in his hand, Emma’s warm smile greeting him comfortingly, as it always did.  
        “Wait…”  
        Kaz spun when he heard someone speak up from the group of survivors. A middle-aged man stood, blood staining his clothes.  
        “Was she a young pregnant woman?”  
        Kaz’s heart skipped a beat. He quickly made his way over to the man. “Yes. She…. Yes. Have you seen her?” He held out the picture to the man, who looked at it before pursing his lips and giving his head a small shake.  
        “They took her. Right before… Right before they shot up the place and torched it.”  
        Kaz turned to call Ocelot over but he was already by his side, listening intently.  
        “They?”  
        “The CIA. Or at least, they claimed to be CIA. They said something about the embassy, then took her out to their helicopter.”  
        Kaz felt his stomach drop and he turned to Ocelot. They both knew this wasn’t the CIA’s doing. Ocelot placed a hand on the man’s shoulder.  
        “Did you hear anything else? Anything at all? Where they might have gone?”  
        The man shook his head sadly. “I’m sorry. Someone noticed a struggle outside, and there was a commotion. People were panicking… The helicopter lifted off and a group of men burst in, guns blazing… People were dropping left and right…” He slowly sat back down again and placed his head in his hands. “I’m sorry,” he repeated.  
        Kaz looked at Ocelot and nodded his head in the direction of the tent flap, and Ocelot followed himself outside.  
        “Fort Victoria?”  
        Ocelot nodded, crossing his arms. “Or somewhere around there. We haven’t been able to pinpoint their base’s location yet. But that’s the general area, yes.”  
        Kaz began to head back to the helicopter. “We need to go after them.”  
        Ocelot caught his arm. “And what are you going to do, just go charging in? They could be anywhere within a 50 mile radius of Fort Victoria. We can’t involve the PF in this. If Cipher finds out about them we’ll have no leverage when Snake wakes up.”  
        Kaz wrenched his arm from Ocelot’s grasp. “I wasn’t going to do _either_ of those things. Just hear me out. We need to head back to Selukwe. The Knights already know quite a bit about Cipher… inadvertently.”  
        “Miller-”  
        “I already told you. They’ve been facing these guys for the past two years. They just don’t know who they really are. Chances are, they’ve got a decent amount of intel on them.” Ocelot clenched his jaw and Kaz could tell there was no way for him to argue with the facts.  
        Ocelot breathed out sharply through his nose. “Fine.” He signaled to the pilot to start the rotors and turned back to Kaz. “Listen. When we do find out where they are… _If_ we do… You’re going to have to make some decisions.” There was a hint of sadness in his icy blue eyes, but a certain coldness as well. “Sometimes… it’s easier to keep someone from talking… than it is to mount a full-fledged rescue. I know she means a lot to you. But the intel she’s carrying is nothing to be taken lightly. If she talks-”  
        _“She won’t talk.”_ Kaz couldn’t believe what Ocelot had suggested. Pulling the trigger on Emma was not an option. He climbed into the helicopter. Ocelot sighed and followed suit, and the helicopter lifted smoothly into the air.  
        When they arrived in Selukwe, Kaz hopped out of the helicopter before it had even touched down, quickly making his way towards the command building. He burst through the front doors, greeted by the sight he used to see every day. The paint peeling off of the old yet sturdy walls, the shelves full of ammunition, and the mess of wires that surrounded the humming radios. It almost felt like home. Akashinga and Mabasashe looked up from the map they were poring over.  
        “Kazuhira? Is Emma-”  
        Kaz made their way over to them, breathless.  
        “Emma’s alive, but she's been taken.”  
        “What?” Mabasashe reached for his gun. “Tell me who has taken her, and where she has been taken. We will take care of the rest.”  
        Kaz couldn’t help but feel pride swell in his chest for his old comrades. They would gladly give their lives for Emma. She was more than just their sub-commander. She was their friend, their sister, their daughter. They possessed none of the selfishness that Kaz found within himself. He wanted to tell them everything, but he couldn’t have more people paying for his mistakes with their blood.  
        “Maba, listen.” Kaz looked deep into his friend’s eyes and Mabasashe froze, sensing the seriousness of Kaz’s tone. “Before we go anywhere, there’s something you should know.” Mabasashe looked to Akashinga, who was equally caught off-guard by Kaz’s graveness. “This… all of this… is my fault. Two years ago, when that elite ZANLA unit started attacking the base…” He shook his head slowly. “They weren’t after you, they were after me. And it wasn’t until you started putting up a fight that you caught their attention, too.” Mabasashe’s silence was unnerving, but he continued. “I can’t tell you why they’re after me. You have to trust me when I tell you that I _never_ intended for this to happen. They’ve been after Emma since she left. And it’s my fault.” Kaz could feel his eyes watering as he saw the look of pure betrayal in his friend’s face. “I was deep into a lot of shit before I joined up with you. I want more than anything to tell you more, but I can’t risk this happening again. Joining the Knights was the best thing to happen to me since I got to Rhodesia, but I brought my past with me, and now everyone is paying for it. I won’t blame you if you choose not to help me on this. But if you won’t do it for me, please do it for Emma,” he said, his voice breaking. “ _Please,_ Maba, you have to trust me.” He saw Mabasashe tense up and he readied himself every strike that he knew he deserved.  
        But none came.  
        Mabasashe’s eyes filled with tears, something that Kaz had never seen in all the years of knowing him.  
        “Kazuhira…” The disappointment in Mabasashe’s voice was enough to send a single tear cascading down Kaz’s cheek as he looked down at the floor, unable to bear it any longer. He deserved every punch Mabasashe could throw. And he would take every single one without a fight. But this hurt more than anything.   
        “I’m so sorry, Maba.”  
        The silence seemed to last forever, until Akashinga spoke up.  
        “You earned our trust long ago, Kazuhira.” He looked around the room at the men who had stopped what they were doing to listen. “None of us are without a dark past-”  
        “Akashinga, don’t tell me you’re defending-” Mabasashe interrupted, spinning on his commander.  
        Akashinga shot his subordinate a glare and continued. “What has been done is inexcusable. But _we_ were the ones who took him under our wing. If it is anyone’s fault, then it is our own. The government had a hefty price on your head when _you_ joined, Mabasashe, remember? You are no angel, either.” Mabasashe huffed. “Kazuhira, you cannot escape your past any more than we can escape ours. But that is why we’re here, is it not? To try to atone for it as best we can in blood and bullets, for a better future.” He came around the side of the table and placed a hand on Kaz’s shoulder, his fiery amber eyes peering directly into Kaz’s soul. “Emma does not deserve to be paying for our sins. That is true. So we must all come together once more to help her. I will fight by your side, Kazuhira.”  
        Kaz felt a weight lift from his chest as Akashinga said those words. He looked to Mabasashe, who shook his head slowly. “I will let Emma herself be the judge of his innocence.” He grit his teeth. “But until then, you will have my help as well.”  
        “I can’t thank you enough for giving me a second chance, I-”  
        “Do not thank us yet. We still have to find Emma,” Akashinga said, turning back towards the map.  
        “The people that took her are the same ones who have been attacking this base. I remember back when I left you had been running some intel on their source. Have you made any progress on that?”  
        Akashinga nodded. “We have had several men attempt to track weapon shipments. So far we have not pinpointed their exact location. They are _very_ good at covering their tracks.” He sighed. “One of the men on the last patrol had been following up on one such shipment and managed to come up with a good lead on their supply route.” He pointed to a spot near Ngomahuru. “This is the closest guess we have. But we have not been able to get very close. It is too heavily guarded.”  
        “How long will it take to have the area scouted?”  
        Akashinga pursed his lips. “Several days, maybe a week.”  
        Kaz shook his head. “That’s no good.”  
        “If we compromise our cover we’ll never even have the chance to get close. But I suppose if we send our best, and…” Akashinga looked back at Kaz. “Give me three days.”  
        Kaz sighed. It would be cutting it close. “Fine.”  
Akashinga turned to the man behind him. “Kry jou eenheid en voor te berei om kop uit.” The man nodded and left. Akashinga turned back to Kaz. “Tell me what you need me to do.”  
        Kaz was caught off-guard. The man who was once his commander was now asking him for orders. “I… _what?”_  
        “This is your operation, Kazuhira. You have the Knights of Rhodesia at your command.”  
        Kaz looked up to see dozens of eyes on him as the men awaited his orders. He felt power surging through his veins. Most of the Knights had familiar faces, and as his eyes skimmed over the room he half expected to see Emma in her usual spot, leaning against the radio equipment in the corner, silently observing. But instead the corner was empty, a layer of dust covering everything within it. Failing this mission would mean failing her. He would never be able to live with himself if he never got the chance to apologize to her. He looked to Ocelot, who gave a nod, a small smile gracing his lips.  
        “Alright. Paidashe, I want you to take your unit and head south with Bill’s unit. Bill, I want nothing but non-lethals on this.”  
        “But-”  
        “Trust me. I want this place scouted out in seventy-two hours. Minimal radio contact. Try to keep it quiet.”  
        “Yes sir.”  
        Kaz was taken aback. Sure, he had a unit under his control in the SAS, but this was different. These were mercenaries. His friends. They were pledging his life to him, not a country, not a government. After all of the pain he had caused them, they were still willing to follow him to hell and back.  
        And he wasn’t going to let them down this time.


	25. For Rhodesia

 

 

_January 1979. Ngomahuru, Rhodesia._

 

 

        Emma had lost track of the days. All she knew was the feel of the cold cement floor beneath her and the small kicks that she felt inside of her, the only thing that willed her to hold out just a little longer. Her brain had been in a constant fog and she could barely formulate any sort of plan, let alone get any idea of where she was. All that was clear to her was that there were four cement walls around her and no possible way out except through the heavy metal door that loomed before her.  
        Emma didn’t even have the energy to be upset about Kaz anymore. She couldn’t care where he was or what he was doing, who he was screwing over next. She just wanted to be anywhere but here. Then she would worry about the rest. But every time she closed her eyes she saw his face, and she hoped she would see it again. Just one more time.  
        There was a click as the door opened and Emma steeled herself for what she knew was about to come. Two men came over and pulled her up, but instead of undoing her restraints they wrapped a black cloth around her eyes, tying it behind her head. They silently led her through the door and down a hall, where they took a sharp right and pushed her through another set of doors and out into the sweltering heat.  
        Sunlight managed to filter through the thick fabric of the blindfold, and she closed her eyes as they adjusted. The sun’s heat on her skin made her even more tired and she stumbled over the uneven gravel with no idea where she was headed.  
        It was some sort of compound, that much she was sure of. She felt the cool shadows of the buildings as they passed and heard the buzzing of the automatic lights. There was chatter coming from behind one of the buildings to her right and she could hear the hum of the engines belonging to the transport trucks that thundered past. It was a pretty decent-sized place.  
        Suddenly the butt of a rifle struck her in the back of her head and she fell to her knees as gravity seemed to cease to exist.  
        _“Agh!”_  
        “Now would be a good opportunity to tell us anything you know,” her interrogator spoke up. “Not to mention… your last opportunity.”  
        Emma’s heart stopped. Surely they weren’t going to… She straightened up and turned to where his voice had come from, trying to project an appearance that contrasted how terrified she really was. “Do you honestly think my answer has changed?” They couldn’t have caught on to her act, could they?  
        The man chuckled and she could hear the crunch of his boots on the gravel as he drew closer. “Well, it was worth a shot. Unfortunately, we don’t seem to have any use for you anymore. You see,” he said, crouching down next to her, “we got everything we needed from another source.”  
        “What?” That was impossible. Kaz had made her swear to secrecy. What he had told her wasn’t something he told to just anyone. “Who-?”  
        She was hauled to her feet again and heard a click from behind her. A sound she had long since grown accustomed to. The loading of a rifle.  
        “The time for questions is long gone, I’m afraid.”  
        Her heart began to beat faster as the two men let go of her arms. Instinct told her to make a run for it but she knew that there was a barrel of a gun aimed directly at the back of her skull.  
        This was it. This is where it ended. All of the dreams she had, the wishes that little 11-year-old Emmaline had made… This is where they would die. Emma let the tears slide down her cheeks freely. She saw everyone’s faces… her parents, Aunt Barbara, Mabasashe… but there was only one face she wanted to focus on as she drew every breath that she thought would be her last. His smile seemed so unfamiliar; she hadn’t seen it in ages. But it was genuine, and his eyes were lit up with a happiness she hoped he would be able to find again. He had given her the world and she could only hope he would get it back. She was sorry, so unfathomably sorry, for ever running from him in the first place. The fear she had felt then was nothing compared to what she felt now. "Forgive me, Kaz," she whispered.  
        “Do it,” the man said. Emma tried to focus on Kaz’s face as she drew a shaking breath and squeezed her eyes shut.  
        Suddenly a shot rang out. Emma was surprised she could hear it. In fact, she was surprised she was still standing. When shot in the head, after all, most people-  
        Another two shots followed and she heard the sound of bodies dropping behind her. The man to her right brought the butt of his rifle to her head once more, and Emma was knocked to the ground by the force of the blow. Her eyes threatened to close as her world began to spin, but suddenly gunfire erupted form the tree line and the alarm began to sound. Emma struggled to free herself from her restraints but it was no use. She barely had any strength left in her. She laid back in the dirt as bullets whizzed overhead, sure that one would hit her at any moment.  
        _“FOR HONOR!”_  
        Emma’s heart skipped a beat at the sound of the familiar battlecry. _The Knights of Rhodesia_. She couldn’t tell what was going on. The sound of gunfire was almost deafening and she heard a helicopter come thundering over the trees and into the clearing. There was a swish as it released a missile and a split second later the earth shook as a deafening explosion stole the breath from Emma’s lungs.  
        _“Help,”_ she called out weakly, unable to raise her voice over the roar of rotor blades and automatic gunfire. How did they find her? Unless this was all just some coincidence. She felt a warm sensation under her and realized she was laying in a pool of someone else’s blood. It was taking all her strength not to pass out. The adrenaline was only lessening the dizziness temporarily. If she stayed here too long, she would die. She smeared the thick, warm blood under her handcuffs and managed to slide her hand out of one of them. She tore the blindfold from her face and her hand immediately flew to her eyes as the sun blinded her.  
        Emma mustered all of her strength and managed to pull herself onto all fours, then up onto her feet. It was complete chaos in the compound. The helicopter ahead was decimating the buildings and bodies covered the ground. She winced as her broken ribs protested against the shift in weight distribution.  
        “Help,” she called again, but still it was no use. She watched as her brothers-in-arms gunned down her captors and she felt joy rise within her. Suddenly another wave of dizziness hit her and her knees buckled. She started to fall backwards but a pair of arms caught her and gingerly lowered her to the ground. She looked up and her eyes filled with tears once more.  
        “Maba…”  
        He pulled her tightly into his arms and she relished his warmth around her. “I’m here, Emma.” Emma could feel herself slipping into unconsciousness as he slung his rifle over his shoulder and picked her up, heading back towards the tree line. Her world started to go black, but Emma found comfort in the arms of her old friend as she slowly let sleep claim her.

 

        “Emma?”  
        Emma awoke to the sight of a small room bathed in light from the setting sun. To her right sat Mabasashe, tending to the wound on her shoulder.  
        “You have been asleep for hours.”  
        Emma couldn’t tell if this had all been a dream. Where was she? The mattress felt like a cloud beneath her aching body and she looked up at Mabasashe tiredly.  
        “How did you…?”  
        Mabasashe sighed and finished wrapping the bandage around her shoulder. “Kazuhira.”  
        Emma’s heart skipped a beat. “Is he here? Maba, let me see him, please.”  
        He looked down at her sadly. “You don't know, do you?”  
        “Don’t know what?” Had something happened? Emma started to sit up. “Maba-” He pushed her back down and massaged his temples. “Maba… he’s alive, isn’t he?”  
        Mabasashe nodded and relief washed over her. “He is the reason you are here, and not back in Selukwe.”  
        “What do you mean?”  
        Mabasashe took her hand. “Emma, he betrayed you… He betrayed all of us.”  
        “Maba, I’m sure it’s not what you think-”  
        “He told us everything. He is the reason… for all of this. He sold us out, Emma.”  
        Emma was stunned. “He… told you that?” Mabasashe nodded solemnly. Emma couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She had clung so tightly to the belief that it was all some mistake. After everything he had told her, making her believe that he really cared…  
        “His orders were to bring you directly back to Selukwe upon finding you. I believe that is your decision to make, not his.” He squeezed Emma’s hand. “We will always be willing to welcome you back into the Knights. But if you truly wish to leave, then that is your choice and no one else’s.” He planted a kiss on her head and stood, picking up his rifle and heading towards the door. “The owners of this home are loyal to our cause. They have promised that no one will know you’re here.” He sighed, and the sadness returned to his eyes. “Just promise me one thing, Emma. If you decide not to come back to us, leave this damned country altogether. There is nothing good here anymore.”  
        Mabasashe disappeared through the door and Emma felt a tear slowly slide down her cheek. The man who had claimed to love her, the man who had given up everything to be with her, really _had_ been the cause of all this? Mabasashe would never lie to her. Kaz had admitted what he had done. And it was intentional.  
        She didn’t know what to believe. Now was her chance to do what she had set out to do. To leave the country, to get away from all of this and start life anew somewhere else. It was what she wanted more than anything, right?  
        It was tearing her apart.

 

 


	26. All I Ask

 

 

_January 1979. Selukwe, Rhodesia._

 

 

        Kaz had given Mabasashe one simple task. Maba was the only person he trusted enough to get it done, and yet…  
        _Where the hell was he?_  
        Mabasashe had radioed in over five hours ago to confirm that he did, indeed, have Emma with him. And that much must have been true, since the Knights had done a sweep of the rubble and had found no sign of her. But after that there had been complete radio silence and no sign of Mabasashe _or_ Emma. Kaz had been so close. He almost had her.  
        The Knights of Rhodesia had obliterated the XOF compound. Kaz couldn’t have been prouder of them. After they had secured the area they had headed back to Selukwe in the hopes that Mabasashe would be waiting for them. But he wasn’t. So they had decided to wait.  
        There was nothing quite like the feeling Kaz had felt as he charged into the compound with his old comrades, almost as if it were that hot summer of 1977 again, when things were so much simpler and he was exactly the kind of man he was meant to be. Unchained, unchecked. He longed for those days with every breath he drew, and that was how he knew they were over.  
        Kaz sat on the front steps of the Knights’ command building, watching as the sun began to duck below the distant red hills. He looked down at the radio in his hand, watching the steadily blinking red light as if tearing his eyes away from it for even just a second would cost Emma her life.  
        Maybe she was already dead. They could be waiting here for an eternity as Emma’s and Mabasashe’s corpses rotted in a field somewhere, gunned down by the very people Kaz had sworn to protect her from.  
        Kaz reached into his breast pocket and pulled out his last cigarette, the one he had promised to save for Emma… months ago. Before any of this had happened. He had held onto it in the hopes that it would be his ticket to finding her, a good luck charm of sorts. But what was luck, anyways? What had it ever done for him?  
        He took out his lighter and lit the cigarette, bringing it to his lips and taking a long draw. He closed his eyes as the smoke enveloped him in familiarity. He had never been lucky.  
        “She’ll turn up.”  
        Kaz turned to see Ocelot leaning against the doorframe, offering what Kaz could only assume was the most comforting smile he could muster.  
        “Don’t feel the need to lie on my account.” Kaz took another pull from the cigarette, surprised to find himself not at all bothered by Ocelot’s presence. _Hell_ … whoever this guy was, he had followed Kaz across Africa in search of a girl he knew nothing about. All because he and Kaz shared a mutual dedication to a certain war criminal. Kaz sighed. “Listen… _Ocelot_ ,” the name felt strange as it rolled off his tongue. “I haven’t exactly lived up to your expectations, I’m sure. But I just wanted to say… thanks, I guess. For sticking around.”  
        He felt a hand on his shoulder as Ocelot sat down beside him.  
        “Any friend of Snake’s is a friend of mine. To be honest, Zero didn’t mention much about you. I held you to higher standards than anyone would be able to reach. I knew how important you were to Snake and I saw someone without anything to hold them down.” He chuckled. “Actually meeting you in person was a shock, yes. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed. But I did see something in you. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it at the time.” Kaz offered him the cigarette and he accepted, taking a long drag on it before continuing. “Once… you asked if there was anyone in my life I’d be willing to drop everything for at a moment’s notice.” He sighed and shook his head. “And I dodged the question. I saw your determination, _your frustration_ … and in that moment I saw how much you care about her. Because there wasn’t a _single damn soul_ I would be willing to do that for in the way you intended. And in that moment I knew that this was a life worth saving.”  
        Kaz looked into Ocelot’s eyes and suddenly he saw everything. Pain, fear, anguish… And he knew Ocelot meant it. Kaz clenched his jaw as tears threatened to spring up in his eyes. Ocelot hung his head.  
        “These past few years haven’t been easy. I like to try to keep an open mind, but some days I wonder if he’ll ever wake up. Maybe he won’t, and then all of this preparation and anticipation would have been for nothing.” He looked out over the savanna as the sun finally dipped below the horizon. “So what you said got me thinking. We have to be realistic. If Snake doesn’t wake up…”  
        He trailed off and Kaz knew that this very thought had been plaguing him for quite some time. And Kaz only knew that because the same thought had been keeping him up at night as well. Ocelot continued.  
        “If he doesn’t wake up, I’d be honored to have you take his place. As Commander.” He held up his hand before Kaz could object. “If what happened today was any indication, I think you were born to lead. From a military standpoint, it would be a waste of potential if you didn’t accept. But from my point of view, it would just be a damn shame. So… what do you say?”  
        Kaz pursed his lips. Temptation tugged at him and he thought of Snake. He had a lot to fix. Maybe that would be a good place to start. He nodded.  
        “Fine. I just-” Kaz stopped as he saw a slowly-approaching plume of red dust in the distance, the few lingering rays of sunlight glinting off the side of a jeep. He stood and watched as it drew closer. Several other Knights filtered out of the building to watch, and silence fell over the compound as the sound of the engine reached their ears.  
        Kaz took off his sunglasses to get a better look. He could just make out Mabasashe sitting in the driver’s seat… _but where was Emma?_ It wasn't long before everyone else took notice and murmurs began to circulate. Kaz’s felt the air leave his lungs as a wave of pain crushed him.  
        _“No…”_ This wasn’t real. She couldn’t really be dead. There was no way in hell.  
        As Mabasashe’s jeep entered the compound the rest of the Knights gathered around, none of them brave enough to ask the question that was on everyone’s mind. Mabasashe pulled up in front of the building and silently got out of the jeep. He saw the expectant look on Kaz’s face and sighed, closing his eyes.  
        “She is safe. The choice is hers, Kazuhira.”  
        _What?_  
        Suddenly Kaz felt a blind rage consume him and he lunged at Mabasashe, his only intent being to strangle the life out of the man he once saw as a brother. How could he do this? It wasn’t his decision to make. Kaz had done everything in his power to get her back and the only thing standing in his way now was Mabasashe. He would do whatever it took to get to her. A pair of arms caught him and held him back, and Kaz turned to see Ocelot holding onto his arm tightly.  
        “LET GO OF ME!” He wrenched his arm from Ocelot’s grasp and took Mabasashe by the front of his shirt, unintimidated by how much taller he was than Kaz. “WHERE IS SHE? _YOU CAN’T KEEP HER FROM ME, MABA! YOU CAN’T!”_  
        Mabasashe watched Kaz quietly, refusing to raise a hand against him.  
        _“MABA!”_ Kaz yelled, his voice breaking as he shook Mabasashe. Deep inside he knew it wasn’t _his_ decision, either. Had he ever given her a choice? Ever since she had told him about the pregnancy, he had told her to leave, told her to come with him, told her to stay. He didn’t even know what _she_ wanted. He had never asked. He relaxed his grip on Mabasashe’s shirt and backed away slowly. “I…”  
        But she had always done what he wanted anyways. Didn’t that count for anything? That she was willing to follow him to hell and back?  
        Mabasashe placed a hand on Kaz’s shoulder. “She knows where to find us, if she chooses to stay. And if she chooses to leave, you must be ready to let her go.”  
        There was nothing Kaz could do now. Nothing he could do to bring her back. No leads to go on. Even if he did know where she was, would he follow her? If she decided not to come back, he would never know. He would be waiting for her in Selukwe for an eternity.  
        And… he was fine with that.  
        He would be here for her when she needed him, just like he had promised her all those months ago. If she ever changed her mind and decided to come back… He would be right here.  
        Kaz sat back down on the steps silently, trying to process what exactly was happening. Darkness was beginning to fall and the compound’s lights flickered on. Kaz slowly slid his glasses back on and switched the radio off.  
        So he would wait.  
        The shrill ring of the telephone cut through the quiet night air and all eyes turned to the command building where the sound had come from. There was complete stillness as the phone rang again. And again. Ocelot slowly stepped forward and disappeared into the command building and a moment later the ringing stopped. Everyone waited with baited breath until he reappeared and gave Kaz a small nod.  
        Kaz didn’t even need to ask.  
        His body rose almost on its own accord and carried him into the briefing room. The telephone sat on a small table in the corner of the room, the receiver resting on the table where Ocelot had left it. He gently picked it up and held it to his ear.  
        “Emma?” he said quietly.  
        There was complete silence on the other end, and Kaz was ready to lose all hope when-  
        “Kaz?”  
        Kaz’s heart skipped a beat. He wanted to reach out to her, to bring her closer. But he was only left with his frustration as he dropped down on his knees, cradling the receiver and letting his tears finally flow freely.  
        “Emma, where are you? I… I’m so sorry, Emma. I’m so, _so_ sorry. All of this- if I hadn’t-” He could hear her begin to cry on the other end, the only sound that was capable of instantly tearing his heart in half. “Emma… Please come back. I might not be able to make things better, but I can try…”  
        _“Oh, Kaz…”_  
        “Emma, I’ll try my hardest. I promise. I know you have reason not to believe me. I hate myself for what I did,” he cried. He was overcome with confusion, sadness, helplessness, hurt…“Why did you run, Emma? _Why did you run from me?”_  
        _“Kaz…”_ She was incapable of saying anything else. Every time she tried she would break down again.  
        “Emma, if you’re scared… I _know_ you’re scared. Let me be there for you. Please forgive me, Emma. That’s all I ask. If you want nothing else to do with me at least let me have your forgiveness. Please.” He held his head in his hand as he wept into the receiver. If she could just give him another chance. He knew it was asking too much-  
        “Kaz, I want to go home.”  
        “Home? Where- What do you mean-”  
        “ _Home._ To you, Kaz.”  
        Kaz’s heart could have burst in that moment. _Home._  
        “Then come home, Emma. Please.”


	27. The Next Chapter

_January 1979. Selukwe, Rhodesia._

 

        Emma stood outside the small home in the cool morning air, watching as the smallest hint of light appeared in the east. Hearing his voice again, for the first time in months… It was like a dream. It _must_ have been a dream. There was no other way for her to rationalize how they had both gotten out of all of this alive. She would get to see his face again.  
        It was all too good to be true.  
        She wanted to leave this god-awful place for good. But if he wanted to stay, she would stay with him. She was done running.  
        Emma took the keys Mabasashe had left her and slid into the driver’s seat of the jeep, turning the key in the ignition. The motor sputtered then sprang to life, and Emma shifted it into gear, heading down the lonely dirt road before the loud engine could wake anyone.  
        The stars were still glimmering brightly in the sky, stretching onwards and outwards forever, blanketing all of the bloody country in their momentary serenity. Emma followed the North Star towards Selukwe, towards the beginning of a new chapter of her life. It wasn’t too late to turn around. But she was being pulled by an invisible force, the promise of change. Forgiveness. Starting anew.  
        Behind her, she was leaving the old days, innocence, naivety… Little Emmaline, her crushed dreams, the crumpled airplane ticket that sat in the wallet she would never see again. The first two decades of her life. Twenty one years. Ahead of her was… she didn’t quite know yet. The second chapter.  
        Emma rested her hand on her stomach. She hated the thought of bringing a child into this terrible world. It was what kept her up at night. She would never be able to be the mother her child would need. If Kaz chose to stick around… He would be far from the ideal father. But somehow… they would make things work.  
        By the time the lights from the Knights’ compound came into view, the whole expanse of savanna was bathed in a soft pink glow as dawn began to swallow up the night sky. Emma’s heart beat faster as she drove through the front gates. The place was heavy with memories and once more she fought the urge to turn the jeep back around get as far away from this country as possible. She slowed the jeep to a stop and put it in park, stepping out onto the red dirt. The dirt she had bled onto, cried onto, and called home for the past three years. The rich red dirt she now wanted more than anything to get away from.  
        And suddenly there he was before her, his face the most heavenly thing she had ever seen. Exactly how she remembered. Only, at the same time, more beautiful than she could have _ever_ imagined. The corners of his mouth didn’t turn upwards this time as he watched her, unsure if she was real or just a figment of his imagination.  
        _“Kaz,”_ she choked, and suddenly it was as if a damn broke and all of her emotions came tumbling out all at once. He rushed forward and she met him halfway, letting her tears flow freely onto his soft cotton shirt as his arms closed tightly around her. Sobs racked her body as she clung to him, afraid to ever let go again.  
        “Emma… _oh my god_ …” She could hear the waver in his voice and she knew he was trying his best to remain strong as he held her closer than he had ever held her before. “I’m sorry, Em. _I’m so so sorry-”_  
        She looked up at him as tears cascaded down her cheeks. “Please, Kaz. Just tell me we can leave this place and never look back.”  
        He pressed his lips onto her forehead and she closed her eyes, savoring the feeling in case it really _was_ all a dream. “We’re leaving this damn place, Emma. And we’re _never_ looking back. We’re going home.”  
        _Home._  
        Hearing him say the word stirred something deep within her. As if the finality of it really was their ticket out of this hell they had been living in for the past three years. Emma clung tighter to him, trying to make up for the distance that had been between them for so long. Nothing felt more right than being in his arms.  
        “I love you, Kaz.”  
        “I love you, too,” he said, tilting her chin upwards and gently bringing his lips to hers. She was ashamed to find that she had forgotten how they felt. Soft, velvety, unhardened by everything he had been through. She felt his hand on her stomach and she glanced up at him, looking for a change of heart, any sign of emotion, any indication of how he felt.  
        A small smile played about his lips. “I’m not leaving you, Emma.”  
        “Does this mean…”  
        His smile disappeared as sadness clouded his eyes and his face fell with realization. “Emma… You believed _every damn thing_ I said that day, didn’t you?” She could tell that he was trying to hide the pain he felt. The guilt, _the regret._  
        She didn’t know what to say. She did believe him. Every word.  
        Kaz saw the answer in her silence and pulled her into his arms again. She couldn’t see his face but she knew from the subtle shaking of his chest that he was silently crying.  
        She had never seen him cry until this day.  
        “I forgive you, Kaz.”  
        He held her tighter as if a weight had been lifted from him, and she knew it had been. Those were the words he had probably been dying to hear since the moment he pushed her away.  
        Emma sensed someone standing behind her and turned to see the man she had met in the hospital. Kaz quickly wiped his eyes.  
        “Ah, Emma, this is Ocelot.”  
        Ocelot smiled, the corners of his eyes creasing as the dawn light glinted off of his blue irises.  
        Emma suddenly felt incredibly foolish. “You… You were trying to help me that day.” So much could have been avoided if she hadn’t run from him like a frightened child. Well, she _was_ a frightened child, more or less. Ocelot came forward and placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, his grip firm yet gentle.  
        “I don’t blame you for running. I didn’t really make a great first impression.”  
        Kaz took Emma’s hand and squeezed it. “Ocelot’s building up another PF. He offered me a spot as Commander… until Snake wakes up, that is.” He looked at her expectantly, as if she had the final say, but she could tell he had already accepted the offer. How could he not? He had never been able to shut up about Snake and his plans to avenge everyone who had died that day. And now he had finally been given the chance. She could see the hope and the new light in his eyes and she smiled.  
        “That’s quite the promotion.”  
        A look of relief crossed his face and she knew that this was where his new chapter was beginning. Ocelot held his hand out to Kaz and smiled.  
        “I’ll give you a few months to make up for lost time. Then we can get started.” Kaz took his hand and gave it a firm shake. “I’ll keep in touch.”  
        “Ocelot… _thanks,”_ Kaz said, giving his hand an extra shake before he let go. Ocelot gave him a nod before turning to Emma.  
        “I hope to see more of you in the coming months, Commander. I’m glad you got back alright.” He gestured to the Knights that had gathered around to watch. “You’ve got some damn fine soldiers here. When things go south here in Rhodesia… and they will… let them know there’s always a place for them with my PF. The same goes for you.” Emma nodded and watched as he brought a hand to his mouth and blew, a shrill whistle cutting through the quiet morning air. Moments later there was a neigh and a horse came trotting to his side. He mounted it and took hold of the reins. “You’ll have to excuse me. I have some business to attend to in Afghanistan.” He snapped the reins and the horse reared before galloping off east.  
        Emma leaned her head on Kaz’s chest and watched as Ocelot disappeared into the rising sun. She wouldn’t forget the stranger's dedication and loyalty to someone he didn’t even know. She would find a way to repay him someday. She looked up at Kaz, whose face was softened beautifully by the sun’s glow. He looked down at her and smiled. No words needed to be exchanged. They were finally going to do what they could only _dream_ of doing years ago. They could finally leave this god-forsaken country for good and never have to look back. Kaz tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.  
        “Are you ready to go, kiddo?”  
        Emma smiled.  
        “Always for you.”


	28. Hello, Catherine

_May 1979. Cape Town, South Africa._

 

        Kaz stared out the window blankly, his chin resting on his hand, as he willed his eyes to stay open. It had been a long day… _and_ a long night. Emma had gone into labor at some ungodly hour and he had rushed her to the hospital, trying not to let her see how terrified he really was. She had remained surprisingly upbeat on the ride over but once they arrived at the hospital she was quickly whisked away and he was left to sit in the waiting room, where he had been for the past thirteen hours. Well, he _had_ made a few trips down the hall to get coffee every two hours or so, but other than that… He had been here the whole time. The view from the waiting room windows was spectacular. One could see from the Cape Town skyline all the way out to the coast. But it had gotten boring fairly quickly.  
        Kaz closed the newspaper that was laying open on his lap and tossed it onto the end table next to him. He had already cycled through all of the reading material the waiting room had to offer. All that was left to do was wait.  
        After they left Rhodesia for good they had decided to settle back into their home in Cape Town… It was actually starting to feel like home, too. Emma was finally starting to enjoy everything the city had to offer, and Kaz had lost track of the number of times his day had been brightened just by seeing her happy. _Truly_ happy. The smile that lit up her face was one he hadn’t seen in ages. Both of them had been working hard to push everything they had done and seen in Rhodesia out of their minds, but there were still times when he would lay awake at night filled with regret, disgusted with himself for ever lending his services to such a vile and corrupt government. He often wondered if things would have turned out differently if he had stayed with the Knights, like he should have.  
        He was finding it extremely difficult not to dwell on the past.  
        Ocelot had been in constant contact with him as they made plans for the PF. He had even dropped by once or twice for business purposes. At the rate things were going, they would be ready to start structured operations in Afghanistan by August. They had even come up with a name for the PF, too. _Diamond Dogs._ Quite the fitting title.  
         But Kaz still couldn't help but worry about Emma from time to time. She didn’t have anyone other than him and her aunt, who he had called once he had gotten to the hospital to let her know Emma was in labor. He had been trying his best to mend things with Barbara, and it looked like they were headed in the right direction. But she lived several hours away in Johannesburg, and he knew that once he left to help with the PF, Emma would be terribly lonely. She was elated to finally be out of Rhodesia but at the same time she missed her comrades more than anything. Mabasashe, Akashinga… They were all still wrapped up in that bloody war. She still called them from time to time but he knew it wasn’t the same. Emma had also made an attempt to smooth things over with her parents but the truce they had put in place was shaky at best.  
        To say he was ready to be a father was a lie. Emma was far from ready for parenthood as well. She couldn’t stop worrying about whether or not she would turn out like her own mother. And there was nothing Kaz could say that would help her feel better about it.  
        The door swung open and the doctor appeared. He motioned for Kaz to come over and Kaz leapt out of his seat, meeting him by the door.  
        “How is she? Is everything ok?”  
        “She’s doing just fine. I reckon she’s got a few good pushes left. You’re welcome to come wait in the delivery room at this point if you like. She could use the support.”  
        _This was it._ Kaz nodded. “Of course.” He followed the doctor back through the doors and down the long white hallway. His heart was beating faster with every step he took.  
        “She’s a little lightheaded, so I would refrain from engaging in too much conversation.” He took a left down another hall and stopped at one of the doors, opening it slowly.  
        Kaz followed him inside, the sound of beeping monitors and cooing nurses filling his ears. And then there she was, looking somehow so much smaller and so much more fragile than he was used to. Her breathing was slow and steady and as he made his way to her side she looked up at him and attempted a weak smile.  
        “Kaz!” Her voice was almost gone, her exclamation reduced to a whisper.  
        He smiled and took her hand. “Hey, kiddo. How are you holding up?”  
        She started to respond when her face scrunched up and she gripped his hand with surprising strength. The doctors scrambled to her side.  
        “You know what to do,” one of them said, taking his place at her feet.  
        Emma grit her teeth and pushed, the amount of effort she was putting in showing in her pained expression. A weak cry rose from her throat and Kaz wished there was something he could do to help her. She had done so much for him. She saved his life, gave him something to live for… She had suffered for him, withstood torture for him. And now she was giving her all to bring his child into the world. Kaz was unaccustomed to having anyone care about him even _half_ that much. He didn’t know how to show her he would do the same for her. Her spirit was stronger than any he had ever seen.   
        The doctor spoke up. “One more!”  
        “One more, honey,” Kaz repeated, brushing the sweat-dampened hair from her forehead. Another guttural cry escaped her lips as she pushed with every ounce of strength she had, tears escaping from between her eyelids and sliding down her cheeks. Her knuckles were white as she squeezed his hand. _“You can do this, Emma.”_ She gave one more push and fell back against the pillows, completely drained.  
        The doctor spoke up excitedly. “It’s a girl!”  
        Kaz looked at Emma and smiled. He couldn’t believe it. It seemed like a dream, and any second he would wake up. He saw in her eyes that she felt the same way, and they stayed there for what seemed like an eternity, suspended in their moment of disbelief. The baby was quickly tested and swaddled, and then passed to Kaz. As he took her in his arms he looked down at her with curiosity and was shocked to see his own blue eyes staring back up at him. He chuckled, not knowing why, as his heart was suddenly full to bursting with a love for her he would have never been able to fathom several months ago. This was… _his daughter…_  
        “Emma… She’s beautiful…” Tears sprung to his eyes as a nurse came over with a pen and paper.  
        “And her name?”  
        Kaz looked to Emma, who smiled and gave him a nod. Kaz looked down at the baby and traced his thumb along her cheek.  
        “Catherine.”  
        The nurse jotted the name down on the paper. “Ross or Miller?”  
        “Miller.”  
        The nurse finished writing and tucked the pen into her uniform. “The test results should be back in a few minutes.” She smiled. “What a precious girl,” she said, walking away.  
        And she was. Her rosy cheeks and her tiny bow lips… Kaz wondered how something so beautiful could ever come from such terrible times. He looked back up at Emma and held Catherine out to her. Emma gently took her and held her close, her eyes glazing over with tears once more.  
        _“Catherine…”_ she said quietly, placing a kiss on the baby’s head.  
        Kaz had never felt such pure and complete joy as he felt now, watching Emma gingerly hold Catherine as if she were the most precious thing in the world. So many terrible things had happened to lead them here, and yet… He wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Because right here, in this moment, everything was alright. He felt so much hope for the future looking down upon the innocence of this infant. He had been given a chance to right his wrongs and to change the world that she would grow up in. And he was going to make the best of it.  
        He placed his hand on Emma’s, filled with an insurmountable feeling of fulfillment.

        _Everything was alright._


	29. The Closest Thing

 

 

_Christmas Day, 1979. Cape Town, South Africa._

 

 

  
        Emma smiled as Catherine sat back in Kaz’s lap, looking up in awe at the Christmas tree in all its glory, strung up beautifully with lights, tinsel and ornaments. Christmas music softly echoed through the house and there was the smell of gingerbread in the oven. Catherine gurgled and laughed, tapping Kaz’s arm with her tiny hand.  
        “Daaaahhhh-da! Daaaaahhhh-da!”  
        Kaz was deep in concentration, fiddling with the Super 8 camera.  
        “I can’t remember… How does thing work, again?”  
        “Here, let me see,” Ocelot said, reaching out a hand. Kaz passed it to him and set Catherine down on the floor next to the couch.  
        “Kaz, she’s going to have pine needles all over her clothes,” Emma said, bringing two mugs of coffee over.  
        “What? She wants to get a better look at the lights.”  
        Emma passed a mug to Kaz and Ocelot each before sitting down next to Kaz. He put his arm around her and leaned his head against hers as they watched their daughter-  
        _“Catherine, no!”_ Kaz leapt up from the couch and chased after Catherine.  
        She had crawled over to the tree and was in the process of tearing the tinsel off of the branches, a fistful of it halfway to her mouth. Kaz scooped her up and carried her back to the couch, planting a kiss on her rosy cheek.  
        He would be leaving tomorrow to officially start his work as XO. Diamond Dogs operations had been well underway for a while now, but he had never been away for more than a week or two at a time. This time around it would be several months before he would be home again. Kaz and Emma had decided it best if they didn’t make it into a big deal, since it certainly wasn’t going to be the last time he would be gone for such a long period of time. It was unfortunate, but it was a life Catherine was going to have to get used to.  
        Ocelot grinned with satisfaction as he got the camera figured out. He held the viewport up to his eye and aimed the camera at the three others.  
        “Say ‘Merry Christmas’,” he said, smiling from behind the camera.  
        _“Merry Christmas!”_ Kaz and Emma said in unison.  
        Catherine babbled unintelligibly.  
        Kaz pointed to the camera. “Wave to the camera, Catherine. Can you wave?” He showed her how, and she giggled and flapped her arms excitedly. Kaz laughed, a deep and warm laugh that rose from his chest. Knowing that doing that got a reaction from her father, Catherine gurgled and did it again, making Kaz laugh so hard he was almost in tears.  
        “Hey,” Ocelot said, pointing the camera at the tree. “I think someone’s got a few presents to open.”  
        “Thank god,” Kaz wheezed, trying to collect himself. Ocelot reached under the tree and passed a present to Catherine.  
        “This one’s from me.”  
        “Awww,” Emma cooed. It had been a great idea, _Kaz’s idea,_ surprisingly, to invite Ocelot over for Christmas. Since Kaz was leaving with him the next day anyways, it was only fitting if Ocelot stayed around an extra day for a Christmas dinner and a chance to wind down for a little while. It was just this time last year that he had so selflessly helped Kaz in his search for her, and it was the least they could do to show their thanks. Besides, he had taken quite the liking to Catherine, and she loved everything about him.  
        Kaz passed the present to Catherine, who patted it a few times before sticking the wrapping paper in her mouth and slobbering on it a bit. Kaz helped her out by lifting one of the corners, and eventually she tore the wrapping paper off to reveal a soft pastel yellow stuffed giraffe. She giggled and it immediately went into her mouth. Ocelot chuckled.  
        “Oh, thank you, Adam. She loves it,” Emma said, running her hand over Catherine’s tufts of auburn hair. “Don’t you, Kitty?”  
        _“Gaaahhhh!”_ Catherine cooed in reply.  
        “Why don’t you go thank Adam for the wonderful gift?” Emma said.  
        Kaz set her down on the couch and pointed at Ocelot, and Catherine shot off like a rocket towards him. Ocelot took her up and she patted his cheek gently.  
        “Dah… Ah-dah… _Ah-dah!”_  
        A smile lit up his face. “That’s right. Adam.”  
        Catherine leaned forward and gave him a big slobbery kiss on the cheek before shrieking excitedly and crawling back over to Kaz. Ocelot’s face turned beet red and he brought the camera back up in front of his face before anyone could take notice.  
        Catherine crawled back onto Kaz’s lap and curled up against his chest, drooling slightly on his shirt. Kaz kissed her head gently and Emma could see that he was already struggling with how he was going to say goodbye. It was going to be hard for him, too. She knew he was excited about the opportunities before him, but he had grown so attached to Catherine over the past several months. Her dimpled smile and sparkling blue eyes had lit up their lives in ways they didn’t even think possible.  
        It was going to be hard for everyone, but they were both going to try their best not to dwell on it.  
        The next few hours went by in a flurry of wrapping paper, gingerbread cookies and smiles as gifts were given left and right. Ocelot received a few new fancy holsters and a machete. Emma wasn't quite sure what Ocelot would _do_ with a machete but Kaz assured her that he would make use of it with the words “who _wouldn’t_ want a machete?” before promptly wrapping it and placing it under the tree with the other gifts before she could respond. She had gotten Kaz a new holster as well, a custom one for his model 39. Made from the finest leather she could find, and bearing his initials on the underside. She had given him the gun two years ago, and she knew how important it was to him. It had been with him through so much. Kaz waited until Catherine was put down for her nap before pulling Emma into the kitchen and handing her a neatly wrapped gift.  
        “I, ah…” he began, scratching the back of his neck. “I actually put a lot of thought into this for once,” he said, smiling.  
        “Kaz, you didn’t need to get me anything.”  
        “Well it’s a little late now.”  
        Emma smiled and unwrapped the paper to reveal the hard shell of a gun case. “Kaz….” She tossed the wrapping paper onto the floor and unlatched the case, slowly lifting the lid.  
        Inside was the most beautiful gun she had ever seen. A Smith  & Wesson…  
        “Model 41,” Kaz said. “And this one’s one of a kind.” He took it out of the case and handed it to her. “How does it feel in your hand?”  
        Emma took it and was surprised to find it wasn’t heavy, but it wasn’t any lighter than it needed to be, either. The grip was perfect, the grooves locking her hand into place. It was the most amazing gun she had ever held.  
        “Kaz…”  
        “Don’t say a word.” He pulled her into his arms tightly and tears began to blur her vision despite her efforts to held them back. “I want you to take that with you wherever you go. Never go anywhere without it.”  
        She clung to him and closed her eyes as she felt his warm breath on her neck. “I’m going to miss you.”  
        “It’s not going to be that long, Em.” He was trying convince himself just as much a he was trying to convince her. They both knew it could always be worse, but how long would they be able to last in this cycle of seeing each other for only brief moments of time? Only time would tell. All Emma knew was that she was going to try her absolute hardest to make sure it lasted. Because what they had…. What they had was something special. Sure, it wasn’t perfect, but it was theirs.  
        They stayed in each other’s embrace for what seemed like an eternity as Christmas tunes softly wafted in from the living room and waves lapped gently against the shore outside the window.  
        It wasn’t perfect, but it was the best thing Emma could _ever_ wish for.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Welcome Home](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6930721) by [OutLookingforAstronauts](https://archiveofourown.org/users/OutLookingforAstronauts/pseuds/OutLookingforAstronauts)




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